The Man That Was Used Up — Poe’s Dark Satire of a Mechanical Hero

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One of my favorite memories of scaring
myself as a child was getting a compilation

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book of Edgar Allan Poe stories from
my elementary school library. It brought me

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so much fear and so much excitement. I remember running home from school with

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that book in my backpack as the
sky was dark and a storm was coming.

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I was in my childhood living room, but I wasn't alone. I

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had a pizza and the books of
Poe. Every so often I'll bring you

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a tale of Poe, and I
hope it gives you that scary fun sense,

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just the same as it does for
me. So listen to these words

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from our sponsors, and when the
clock strikes midnight, the story will begin.

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The man that was used up a
tale of the late Bugaboo and Kickaboo

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campaign by Edgar Allan Poe. Parise
parise mehieu edvondes vous n u la morte

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de mar vi a mis laartel utumbo
cornier. I cannot just now remember when

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or where I first made the acquaintance
of that truly fine looking fellow Brevet Brigadier

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General John A. B. C. Smith. Some one did introduce me

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to the gentleman. I am sure
at some public meeting I know very well

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held about something of great importance,
no doubt, at some place or other

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I feel convinced whose name I have
unaccountably forgotten. The truth is that the

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introduction was attended upon my part with
a degree of anxious embarrassment, which operated

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to prevent any definite impressions of either
time or space. I am constitutionally nervous.

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This with me is a family failing, and I can't help it.

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In especial, the slightest appearance of
mystery of any point I cannot exactly comprehend

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puts me at once into a pitiable
state of agitation. There was something,

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as it were, remarkable, Yes, remarkable, although this is but a

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feeble term to express my full meaning
about the entire individuality of the personage in

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question. He was perhaps six feet
in height, and of a presence singularly

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commanding. There was an air distingue
pervading the whole man, which spoke of

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high breeding and hinted at high birth. Upon this topic, the topic of

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Smith's personal appearance, I have a
kind of melancholy satisfaction in being minute.

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His head of hair would have done
honor to a brutus nothing could be more

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richly flowing, or possess a brighter
gloss. It was of a jetty black,

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which was also the color, or
more properly than no color, of

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his unimaginable whiskers. You perceive I
cannot speak of these latter without enthusiasm.

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It is not too much to say
that they were the handsomest pair of whiskers

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under the sun. At all events, they encircled, and at times partially

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overshadowed a mouth utterly unequaled. Here
were the most entirely even and most brilliantly

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white of all conceivable teeth. From
between them, upon every proper occasion,

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issued a voice of surpassing clearness,
melody, and strength. In the matter

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of eyes, also, my acquaintance
was pre eminently endowed. Either one of

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such a pair was worth a couple
of the ordinary ocular organs. They were

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of a deep hazel, exceeding large
and lustrious, and there was perceptible about

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them, ever and anon, just
that amount of interesting obliquity which gives pregnancy

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to expression. The bust of the
General was unquestionably the finest bust I ever

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saw. For your life could not
have found a fault with its wonderful proportion.

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This rare peculiarity set off to great
advantage a pair of shoulders which would

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have called up a blush of conscious
inferiority into the countenance of the marble Apollo.

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I have a passion for fine shoulders, and may say that I never

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beheld them in perfection before. The
arms altogether were admirably modeled, nor the

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lower limbs less superb. These were, indeed the knee plus ultra of good

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legs. Every connoisseur in such matters
admitted the legs to be good. There

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was neither too much flesh nor too
little, neither rudeness nor fragility. I

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could not imagine a more graceful curve
than that of the osphemers. And there

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was just that due gentle prominence in
the rear of the fibula, which goes

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to the confirmation of a properly proportioned
calf. I wished to God, my

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young and talented friend chip On Chippino
the sculptor, had seen the legs of

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Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. But although men

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so absolutely fine looking, are neither
as plenty as reasons or blackberries. Still

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I could not bring myself to believe
that the remarkable something to which I alluded

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just now, that the odd air
of Genessee quix which hung about my new

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acquaintance, lay altogether, or indeed
at all, in the supreme excellence of

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his bodily endowments. Perhaps it might
be traced to the manner. Yet here

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again I could not pretend to be
positive. There was a primness, not

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to say stiffness in his carriage,
a degree of measured and if I may

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so express it, of rectangular precision
attending his every movement, which observed in

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a more diminutive figure, would have
had the least little savor in the world

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of affectation, pomposity or constraint,
but which noticed in a gentleman of his

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undoubted dimensions, was readily placed to
the account of reserve hatur, of a

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commendable sense, in short of what
is due to the dignity of colossal proportion.

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The kind of friend who presented me
to General Smith whispered in my ear

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some few words of comment upon the
man. He was a remarkable man,

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a very remarkable man, indeed one
of the most remarkable men of the age.

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He was an especial favorite too,
with the ladies, chiefly on account

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of his high reputation for courage.
In that point, he is unrivaled.

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Indeed, he is a perfect desperado, a downright fire reader, and no

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mistake, said my friend here,
dropping his voice excessively low and thrilling me

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with the mystery of his tone.
A downright fire reader, and no mistake

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showed that, I should say,
to some purpose in the late tremendous swamp

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fight away down south with the bugaboo
and kickaboo indians. Here my friend opened

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his eyes to some extent, bless
my soul, blood and thunder and all

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that prodigies of valor heard of him. Of course, you know he's the

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man man alive. How do you
do? Why? How are ye very

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glad to see ye? Indeed,
here interrupted the General himself, seizing my

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companion by the hand as he drew
near, and bowing stiffly but profoundly as

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I was presented. I then thought, and I think so still, that

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I never heard a clearer nor a
stronger voice, nor beheld a finer set

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of teeth. But I must say
that I was sorry for the interruption just

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at that moment, as owing to
the whispers and insinuations. Aforesaid, my

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interest had been greatly excited in the
hero of the Bugaboo and Kickaboo campaign.

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However, the delightfully luminous come sation
a Brevet Brigadier General John A. B.

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C. Smith soon completely dissipated this
chagrin. My friend leaving us immediately,

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we had quite a long tete a
tete, and I was not only

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pleased, but really instructed. I
never heard a more fluent talker or a

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man of greater general information. With
becoming modesty, he forbore, nevertheless to

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touch upon the theme I had just
then most at heart, I mean,

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the mysterious circumstances attending the Bugaboo War. And on my own part, would

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I conceived to be a proper sense
of delicacy forbade me to broach the subject,

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although in truth I was exceedingly tempted
to do so. I perceived too

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that the gallant soldier preferred topics of
philosophical interest, and that he delighted,

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especially in commenting upon the rapid march
of mechanical invention, indeed lead him where

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I would. This was a point
to which he invariably came back. There's

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nothing at all like it, He
would say, we are a wonderful people,

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and live in a wonderful age.
Parachutes and railroads, man traps and

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spring guns. Our steamboats are upon
every sea, and the Nassau Balloon Packet

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is about to run regular trips fare
either way only twenty pounds sterling between London

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and Timbuctoo. And who shall calculate
the immense influence upon social life, upon

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arts, upon commerce, upon literature, which will be the immediate result of

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the great principles of electromagnetics. Nor
is this all? Let me assure you

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there is really no end to the
march of invention, the most wonderful,

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the most ingenious. And let me
add, mister Thompson, I believe is

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your name. Let me add I
say, the most useful, the most

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truly useful. Mechanical contrivances are daily
springing up like mushrooms, if I may

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so express myself, or more figuratively, like grasshoppers, like grasshoppers, mister

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Thompson, about us and around us. Thompson, to be sure, is

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not my name, But it is
needless to say that I left General Smith

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with a heightened interest in the man
with an exalted opinion of his conversational powers

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and a deep sense of the valuable
privileges we enjoy in living in this age

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of mechanical invention. My curiosity,
however, had not been altogether satisfied,

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and I resolved to prosecute immediate inquiry
among my acquaintance, touching the Brevet Brigadier

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General himself, and particularly respecting the
tremendous events quorum par magna fuit during the

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Bugaboo and Kickaboo campaign. The first
opportunity which presented opportunity, which presented itself,

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and which horresco reference I did not
in the least scruple to seize,

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occurred at the church of the Reverend
Doctor Drummanump, where I found myself established

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one Sunday, just at sermon time, not only in the pew, but

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by the side of that worthy and
communicative little friend of mine, Miss Tabitha

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T. Thus seated, I congratulated
myself and with much reason, upon the

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very flattering state of affairs. If
any person knew anything about Brevet Brigadier General

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John A. B. C.
Smith, that person, it was clear

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to me, was Miss Tabitha T. We telegraphed a few signals and then

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commenced soto voce a brisk tete,
a tete Smith said she, in reply

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to my very earnest inquiry, Smith, why not General John A BC Bless

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me? I thought you knew all
about him. This is a wonderfully inventive

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age horrid affair that a bloody set
of wretches, those kickapoos fought like a

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hero prodigies of valor, immortal renown
Smith, Brevet Brigadier General John A.

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B C. Why you know he's
the man? Man here broke in doctor

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drummummump at the top of his voice, and with a thump that came near

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knocking the pulpit about our ears,
man that is born of a woman hath

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but a short time to live,
But he cometh up and is cut down

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like a flower. I started to
the extremity of the pew, and perceived

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by the animated looks of the divine
that the wrath, which had nearly proved

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fatal to the pulpit, had been
excited by the whispers of the lady and

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myself. There was no help for
it, so I submitted with a good

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grace and listened in all the martyrdom
of dignified silence to the balance of that

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very capital discourse. Don't go away
weekly, Spooky will be right back.

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Next evening found me a somewhat late
visitor at the Rantipole Theater, where I

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felt sure of satisfying my curiosity at
once by merely stepping into the box of

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those exquisite specimens of affability and omniscience, the missus Arabella and Miranda cognoscenti,

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that fine tragedian climax was doing.
Log go to a very crowded house,

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and I experienced some little difficulty in
making my wishes understood, especially as our

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box was next to the slips and
completely overlooked the stage. Smith, said

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Miss Arabella, as she at comprehended
the purport of my query. Smith,

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why not General John A. B. C. Smith, inquired Miranda,

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musingly, God bless me, did
you ever behold a finer figure? Never,

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Madam, but do tell me,
or so imitable grace? Never upon

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my word, but pray inform me, or so just an appreciation of stage

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effect, Madam, or a more
delicate sense of the true beauties of Shakespeare.

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Be so good as to look at
that leg the devil. And I

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turned again to her sister. Smith
she said, why not General John A.

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B. C. Horrid affair,
that wasn't it? Great wretches,

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those bugaboo savage and so on.
But we live in a wonderfully inventive age.

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Smith. Oh, yes, great
man, perfect desperado, immortal,

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renowned prodigies of valor never heard.
This was given in a scream. Bless

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my soul. Why he's the man
Mandragora. Nor all the drowsy syrups of

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the world shall ever medicine thee to
that sweet sleep which thou ow'st yesterday Here

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roared our climax, just in my
ear, and shaking his fist in my

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face all the time, in a
way that I couldn't stand, and I

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wouldn't. I left the missus COGNOSCENTI
immediately went behind the scenes forthwith and gave

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the beggarly scoundrel such a rashing as
I trust he will remember till the day

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of his death. At the soiree
of the lovely widow Missus Kathleen O.

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Trump, I was confident that I
should meet with no similar disappointment. Accordingly,

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I was no sooner seated at the
card table with my pretty hostess for

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Viza V than I propounded those questions, the solution of which had become a

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matter so essential to my peace,
Smith, said my partner, Why not

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General John a BC. Horrid affair? That wasn't it, diamonds? Did

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you say? Terrible wretches? Those
kickapoos? We are playing whist if you

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please, mister tattle. However,
this is the age of invention, most

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certainly, the age, one may
say, the age par excellence. Speak

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French. Oh, quite a hero, perfect desperado, no hearts, mister

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Tattle, I don't believe it,
immortal renown and all that prodigies of never

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heard. Why bless me? He's
the man Man, captain Man here,

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screamed some little feminine interloper from the
farthest corner of the room. Are you

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talking about Captain Mann and the duel? Oh? I must hear? Do

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tell go on, missus o'trump do
now, go on and go on,

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missus o'trump did all about a certain
captain Man who was either shot or hung,

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or should have been both shot and
hung. Yes, missus o'trump,

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she went on, and I I
went off. There was no chance of

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hearing anything farther that evening. In
regard to brevet Brigadier General John A.

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B C. Smith. Still,
I consoled myself with the reflection that the

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tide of ill luck would not run
against me forever, and so determined to

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make a bold push for information at
the rout of that bewitching little angel,

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the graceful missus Pirouett Smith said,
missus p as we twirled about together in

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a pas de Zephyr Smith, why
not General John A. B c.

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Dreadful business that of the bugaboos,
wasn't it? Dreadful creatures? Those Indians

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do? Turn out your toes.
I really am ashamed of you, man

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of great courage, poor fellow,
But this is a wonderful age of invention.

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Oh dear me, I'm out of
breath, quite a desperado. Prodigies

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of valor never heard. Can't believe
it. I shall have to sit down

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and enlighten you. Smith. Why
he's the man, man Fred? I

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tell you here, bawled out Miss
bass Blue, as I led missus Pirouett

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to a seat. Did ever anybody
hear the like? It's man Fred,

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I say, and not at all
by any means? Man Friday here,

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Miss boss Blue beckoned to me in
a very peremptory manner, and I was

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obliged will I knil I to leave
missus p for the purpose of deciding a

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dispute touching the title of a certain
poetical drama of Lord Byron's. Although I

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pronounced with great promptness that the true
title was man Friday, and not by

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any means man Fred. Yet when
I returned to seek missus Pirouet, she

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was not to be discovered. And
I made my retreat from the house in

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a very bitter spirit of animosity against
the whole race of the boss blues.

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Matters had now assumed a really serious
aspect, and I resolved to call at

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once upon my particular friend, mister
Theodore Sinevate, for I knew that here

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at least I should get something like
definite information. Smith, said he,

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in his well known peculiar way of
drawling out his syllables. Smith, why

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not General John a BC savage affair
that with the kickapoos, wasn't it?

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Say? Don't you think so perfect? Desperadado, great pity pawn, my

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honor, wonderfully inventive age parodigies of
valor. By the bye, did you

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ever hear about Captain ma'am Captain Mann, he said, I please to go

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on with your story. Huh oh, well quite la meme. Choose,

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as we say in France, Smith, Eh, Brigadier General John A.

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BC. I say, here,
mister s thought proper to put his finger

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to the side of his nose.
I say, you don't mean to insinuate

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now, really and truly and conscientiously
that you don't know all about that affair

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of Smith's as well as I do, Eh, Smith John A BC.

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Why bless me? He's the man, mister Senavate, said I, imploringly.

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Is he the man in the mask? No, said he, looking

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wise, nor the man in the
moon? This reply I considered a pointed

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and positive insult, and so left
the house at once in high Dujon with

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a firm resolve to call my friend
mister Senavate to a speedy account for his

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ungentlemanly conduct and ill breeding. In
the meantime, however, I had no

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notion of being thwarted touching the information
I desired. There was one resource left

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me yet, I would go to
the fountain head. I would call forthwith

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upon the General himself and demand and
in explicit terms, a solution of this

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abominable piece of mystery. Here at
least there should be no chance for equivocation.

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I would be plain, positive,
peremptory, as short as pie crust,

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as concise as Tacitus or Montesquieu.
It was early when I called,

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and the General was dressing, But
I pleaded urgent business, and was shown

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at once into his bedroom by an
old negro valet, who remained in attendance,

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stirring my visit. As I entered
the chamber, I looked about,

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of course for the occupant, but
did not immediately perceive him. There was

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a large and exceedingly odd looking bundle
of something which lay close by my feet

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on the floor, and as I
was not in the best humor in the

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world, I gave it a kick
out of the way. Am ahem Rather

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civil that I should say, said
the bundle in one of the smallest and

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altogether the funniest little voices between a
squeak and a whistle that I ever heard

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in all the days of my existence. Ahem, Rather civil that I should

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observe. I fairly shouted with terror, and made off at a tangent into

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the farthest extremity of the room.
God bless me, my dear fellow,

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here again whistled the bundle. What
what? What? Why? What is

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the matter? I really believe you
don't know me at all? What could

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I say to all this? What
could I? I staggered into an armchair,

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and with staring eyes an open mouth, awaited the solution of the wonder

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strange you shouldn't know me though,
isn't it? Presently re squeaked the nondescript

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which I now perceive was forming upon
the floor some inexplicable evolution, very analogous

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to the drawing on of a stocking. There was only a single leg,

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however apparent strange you shouldn't know me
though, isn't it? Pompey? Bring

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me that leg? Here Pompey handed
the bundle of very capital cork leg already

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dressed, which it screwed on in
a trice, and then it stood upright

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before my eyes, and a bloody
action it was continued the thing as if

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in soliloquy. But then one mustn't
fight with the bugaboos and kickapoos and think

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of coming off with a mere scratch. Pompey, I'll thank you now for

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that arm Thomas, turning to me, is decidedly the best hand at a

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cork leg. But if you should
ever want an arm, my dear fellow,

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you must really let me recommend you
to Bishop. Here Pompey screwed on

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an arm. We had rather hot
work of it, that you may say.

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Now you dog slip on my shoulders
and Bosom pettit makes the best shoulders.

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But for a bosom you'll have to
go to Dukrau, Bosom, said

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I, Pompey, will you never
be ready with that wig? Scalping is

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a rough process after all, But
then you can procure such a capital scratch

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at de l'Orme's scratch. Now you
nigger my teeth. For a good set

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of these, you had better go
to Parmley's at once high prices, but

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excellent work. I swallowed some very
capital articles, though, and when the

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big bugaboo rammed me down with the
butt end of his rifle butt end rammed

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down my eye. Oh yes,
by the way, my eye here,

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Pompey, you scamp screw it in. Those kickapoos are not so very slow

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at a gouge. But he's a
blithed man, that doctor Williams. After

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all, you can't imagine how well
I see with the eyes of his make.

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I now began very clearly to perceive
that the object before me was nothing

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more nor less than my new acquaintance, Brevet Brigadier General John A. B.

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C. Smith. The manipulations of
Pompey had made I must confess a

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very striking difference in the appearance of
the personal man. The voice, however,

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still puzzled me no little. But
even this apparent mystery was speedily cleared

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up. Pompey, you black rascal, squeaked the General, I really do

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believe you would let me go out
without my palate. Hereupon, the Negro,

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grumbling out an apology, went up
to his master, opened his mouth

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with the knowing air of a horse
jockey, and adjusted, there are in

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a somewhat singular looking machine, in
a very dexterous manner that I could not

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altogether comprehend. The alliteration, however, in the entire expression of the General's

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countenance was instantaneous and surprising. Then
he again spoke. His voice had resumed

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00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:25.640
all that rich melody and strength which
I had noticed upon our original introduction din

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the vagabonds, said he in so
clear a tone that I positively started at

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the change din the vagabonds. They
not only knocked in the roof of my

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00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:41.119
mouth, but took the trouble to
cut off at least seven eighths of my

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tongue. There isn't Bonfanti's equal,
however, in America, for really good

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articles of this description, I can
recommend you to him with confidence. Here

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00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:56.720
the General bowed, and assure you
that I have the greatest pleasure in doing

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so. I acknowledged his kindness in
my best manner, and took leave of

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him at once, with a perfect
understanding of the true state of affairs,

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with a full comprehension of the mystery
which had troubled me so long. It

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00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:22.119
was evident it was a clear case. Brevet Brigadier General John A. B.

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C. Smith was the man,
the man that was used up