Ep.238 – Scary Christmas To All - Who's Getting SLAUGHTER in Their Stocking?!

WEBVTT

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What happens when the nautilust is unleashed
by a group of mischievous elves with a

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vendetta against the jolly old Fat Man. Can anyone stop them from overturning the

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balance of good and evil? And
more importantly, can they do it without

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shedding any more blood of children?
What's that you want to be scared?

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Come with me. He will experience
tales over opera, ghosts and death.

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It is not recommended for the Week
at Heart listeners. In the dark,

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it's more fun at that way way. This is Weekly Speaking. Hello,

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my spookies, It's Wednesday, and
you know what that means. It's time

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for a little spooky in your weekly. I'm your host and narrator, Enrique

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Kuto, and we have quite the
show for you, a gory romp of

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dark humor and nastiness that'll leave you
begging for more. I wouldn't expect any

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less from David O'Hanlon, and if
you love what you hear from him tonight,

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make sure you tune in tomorrow when
we have the full audiobook for the

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novel Babysitter Massacre, Camp Carnage,
written by David O'Hanlon himself and narrated by

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me. There'll be Weekly Spooky programming
for you to listen to all the way

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up to Christmas Day, when Michelle
and I will bring you our Monthly Spooky

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as we always do on the last
Monday of the month, so make sure

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you don't miss that, but also
be back here Friday so you can hear

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a brand new Strickfield novella, Christmas
Arcadia. And on Saturday, we're going

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back to Strickfield one last time for
the Christmas season, and it's going to

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be very special. We're going to
see the return of a certain character you've

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all come to know and love very
very much, and I think you would

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experience quite a bit of rage if
you missed it. If you catch my

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drift, and if you love what
we're doing here at Weekly Spooky, and

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you love all the content we've been
bringing you this holiday season, please consider

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going to Weeklyspooky dot com and signing
up for our Patreon For as little as

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one dollar a month, you get
two bonus shows every single month my undead

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gratitude, and you help keep the
Spooky rolling into the new year. We

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have ninety one backers. Will you
join us? I sure would appreciate it.

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But now, oh, my dear
listeners, it's time for the story,

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and this one is oh so very
gory, so let's listen to it

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together. After these quick words Scary
Christmas to All by David O'Hanlon. Santa

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paced the ancient floorboards of his study. The world had changed, Toys were

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bought in stores, and fewer children
believed in the magic of Santa. There

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were many tasked with keeping the balance
of good and evil, but technology was

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quickly pushing them all into the realm
of mythology. The fat Man had gone

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to extremes to keep his operation relevant
long past its expiration date, but it

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wouldn't matter much longer. Santa chewed
the end of his cigar and stopped pacing

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in front of the wooden chest laid
broken next to the splinters of wood where

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the thieves had carelessly chopped open the
ancient ornate chest. The contents had been

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replaced with a manifesto scrawled into Mittian
script. In one night, they would

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undo centuries of legend and tip the
scales forever unless they could be stopped.

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Santa struck a match and held it
to the tip of the cigar. Knowing

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there was only one solution. Only
one operative elf enough for the task.

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I'm freezing my fucking ornaments off Peppermint, Ray declared, as he stepped into

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the study and kicked the door shut
behind him. This is one hell of

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a storm, nothing compared to what
is coming. Santa said somberly. I

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called you in for a very important
assignment. Ray, I finally get to

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kill Jeff Bezos. Ray perked up. No, it worked with toys,

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r us, Ray argued. If
we take out Amazon and Walmart, they'll

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have to come to us for toys. We'll be back in business full tilt

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buggie, maybe next year. Ray. Santa stepped away from the pilfered chest.

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If there is one, fuck me
with a nutcracker, Ray gasped.

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The elf went to the box.
His face twitched with conflicting emotions as he

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knelt to retrieve the manifesto from the
spot that should have held one of the

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North Pole's three sacred documents. He
skimmed the pages of lunatic ramblings. He's

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going to give out toys to the
entire naughty list, Ray said, who

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would do this? He calls himself
candy pain sugar plum. Gary flicked a

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frozen booger from his finger. His
bulbous nose almost glowed from the bite of

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the winter storm blowing across the gray
Legs. Elves didn't chill easily, but

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the storm made him pull the parka
tighter around him. Gary liked to eat

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paint, specifically orange, and had
lost his job making toys long before the

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bubble burst. For everyone else,
he'd been cleaning the stables for the past

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two centuries, which he didn't mind. The reindeer never made fun of him,

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at least they would have if they
could talk, but they couldn't,

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so Gary was content with his new
occupation. He stabbed his finger back into

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his nostril to mine another frozen snot
nugget. As dumb as Gary was,

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even he knew the storm was their
fault. It had started moments after they

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pilfered the Naughty List and intensified with
every toy they delivered along their path.

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Candy Andy knew it too. Gary
watched the Elvin David koresh saw through the

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security guard's neck with a serrated silver
blade. Gary always wanted to be one

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of the Black Mits sant As elap
core of assassins that purged the evilest names

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from the Nautilust with absolute ruthlessness.
Gary had never even gotten to issue a

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coal citation to a bad kid,
let alone gotten to bump one off.

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Andy told him he was lucky for
that war changes in Elf and the Nautilust

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had become the North Pole's version of
Vietnam. The Black Mittens were so backlogged

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that they'd started working during Christmas in
July just to keep from drowning in the

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swelling sea of evil caused by the
influx of department store toys. Andy wiped

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the blade clean and sheathed it.
His short, powerful arms cast the line

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of his grappling hook all the way
to the top of the watch tower.

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Gary stared in awe as the Elf
scurried up the structure despite the brutal onslaught

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of wind. Gary darted from the
bushes and waited inside the guard shack for

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his signal. And he hadn't told
him what the signal would be, just

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that he'd know it when he saw
it. A moment later, the sniper's

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corpse crashed to the icy pavement,
His intestine stretched up from his torn abdomen

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all the way back to the top
of the tower. Gary giggled and stepped

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out of the shack, looking up
at the meaty garland glistening with already frozen

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blood. He plucked it, fascinated
by the wet twang it made, and

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waited another moment for Andy's signal.
Nothing happened. Gary looked down at the

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body and gasped, oh, you're
the signal. He darted back inside and

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pulled the lever. Ice cracked from
the hinges as the gates forced themselves open

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despite the accumulating snow. The vibration
rattled loose icicles from the bronze lettering overhead.

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The elf looked up and sounded out
the letters. It was easy enough

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even for him, kill you.
Gary squinted through the snowflakes to make sure

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he read it correctly. There it
was, in big, blocky font kill

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you. Andy repelled down the tower
and gracefully hit the ground. He waved

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for Gary to come through. The
ditzy elf waddled between the still opening gates

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and pointed at the letters. Say
Andy, what ah Andy had him by

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the throat before he could say another
word. I won't tell you again.

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He snarled. It's pain, Candy
Pain. The name wasn't the only thing

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he'd changed about himself. His uniform
had been replaced with leather and spikes,

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and around his neck he wore a
heavy chain of sterling candy canes. For

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every elf that died under his command. Each ornament was spaced out with the

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withering, rotten ear of a naughty
child. Sorry, Candy Pain, Gary

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Gulpt. I was just wondering about
the sign, is all. It's a

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strange name for an orphanage. Orphanage, can Paine, laughed Krieger, Illinois

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Youth Offender Unit, better known as
Kill You Island. Candy Pain, swept

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an arm at the structure. The
former mental asylum was little more than a

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shadow through the snowfall. The tiny
island had always been a place of evil

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and violence. It attracted it the
way rot attracts flies. Krieger sat far

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enough on Lake Michigan to make it
the perfect place to lock away the most

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dangerous juvenile delinquents in the state.
Many of the residents had received their lump

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of coal, while others had skipped
straight to the top of the naughty list.

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Somewhere in the pint sized penal colony
was the mission objective. The kinder

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cannibal Little Robbie Mocker. Christmas dies
Tonight, Candy Pain snarled. Santa's glare

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was hard and cold as gun metal. Missus Claws sat the tray of sugar

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cookies next to the scales. On
one side a glittery glass ornament, and

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on the other a lump of coal
mined by Crampis himself. The two pans

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had never been level, but they
never teetered too far in one direction either.

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Now the coal moved lower by the
minute. No point in watching it,

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dear, the missus said, offering
up one of the cookies. Santa

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took the snowman shaped cookie and chomped
the head off. If he fails,

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Santa started, then do something about
it. She slid into his lap.

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The sleigh is packed and ready hand
out as many toys as possible by Ray,

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the time he needs to destroy Candy
Pain raise no match for him,

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Santa admitted, I should have sent
everyone. Then we'd be burying a lot

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of dead elves for New Year's.
Missus Claws. Ray will win this fight

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because he's just as much a symbol
of Christmas as you are. Santa raised

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a wooly brow. I don't think
we're talking about the same elf. How

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many wars have you delivered presents through? How many communities have come together in

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times of disaster, fed one another
during famines, sang carols through plagues.

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Christmas is not a holiday, It's
not presents, it's not even Santa Claus.

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It's an unyielding spirit, she said, coiling the curls of his beard

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around her fingers. The true meaning
of Christmas is love. That's why it

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always endures no matter what turmoil comes. Peppermint Ray is the embodiment of the

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Christmas spirit. He's a sadistic munchkin
that enjoys killing. Santa huffed. You

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enjoy your work too, She kissed
his forehead, which is why you need

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to get off your fat ass and
get to it. Keep the scales moving

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in our favor. Dear Ray will
do his job, and tomorrow we'll drink

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our eggnog from Candy Andy's skull fruitcake
flew around the island a second time.

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Bonfires burned high despite the battery of
subzero winds. Inmates danced and fired captured

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guns into the air and celebration.
An explosion illuminated scores of dead guards,

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making bloody snow angels in the yard. Ray could smell burnt flesh wafting up

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on the smoke. He checked the
magical compass, and the needle pointed straight

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down. Looks like the little shits
opened their Christmas presents early, He groaned,

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you ready for Christmas dinner? Pal? The reindeer rumbled excitedly. Good.

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It's colder than Prancer's pecker up here, and I want all the feeling

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in my fingers when I closed them
around Andy's throat. Fruitcake snorted, shit,

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you're right, we need tunes.
Ray turned on the bluetooth speaker hanging

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from Brutecake's saddle. He nodded his
head. As the bells tinkled and the

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music began. The reindeer let out
a long, hoarse call of agreement.

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That's right, Candy, Andy,
all I want for Christmas is you to

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die. The reindeer changed course,
speeding toward the island. Ray drew his

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scimitar and shifted to the side to
hack down one of the escaped convicts.

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Bullets whizzed by his head. His
steed banked hard, nearly flinging Ray from

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the saddle. A pair of teens
cut loose with their festively painted assault rifles

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Bruitecake twisted, flying over them upside
down and then biting one's head while Ray

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impaled the other. The skull crunched
loudly between the reindeer's teeth. In the

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chaos, Ray almost missed the incoming
call. He turned down the music and

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answered the phone while Brute Cake flew
into a group of delinquents peppermint party line.

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He said, gleefully, Ray,
it's wait, is that gunfire?

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Missus Claws asked. Not everyone plays
with the same kinds of toys. A

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bullet tore Ray's hat off. Can
I call you back? No, you

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cannot, missus Claws said sternly.
This is going to be really hard for

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you, but you can't kill any
of the kids on that island. Ray

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tugged the reins to pull Brute Cake
up and away from the field of battle.

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Two murder munchkins hung from his bloody
antlers. Ray cleared his throat.

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Uh, the service is really bad
with this storm and all, Ray said,

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I didn't hear you. You said
kill all the naughty kids, right,

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none of them? Ray? Oh, so yeah, we can do

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that, Ray mind shooting himself in
the head. Why exactly are we not

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killing them? The scales have tipped
too far. Her voice sounded sullen and

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distant. It wasn't the storm making
Ray's knees shake. If she was worried,

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then it really was the end of
Christmas. Brute Cake tilted his head

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to slide one of the bodies closer
so he could take a bite. Ray

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rolled his eyes. What was done
was done so his faithful steed might as

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well enjoy the spoils. Okay,
no more killing, Ray reluctantly agreed.

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What's the plan? Give them gifts, she told him, restore the image

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of Santa. Remind him that Christmas
is about love and love is second chances.

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Ray, How am I supposed to
get past them without killing them?

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Make them toys, Ray, I
didn't exactly pack for that sort of thing.

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I have no toys. Improvise.
You were a toy maker, long

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before you were a killer, she
reminded him, A terrible one, the

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worst, She agreed. Naughty kids
now get crappy toys, and thanks to

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you, we have a warehouse full
of those. Glad I could help,

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Ray said, deadpanned. The other
elves are mobilizing. What about candy pain?

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Silly Ray? Her voice perked up
everyone knows peppermint kills pain. Ray

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ended the call with a pointed smile. He tugged the reins and directed Brute

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Cake toward the roof of the prison. A mob of children surrounded him with

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pilfered nightsticks, shanks, and torches. Ray hopped down from his saddle.

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A bigger kid stepped out of the
group to meet him, wielding an axe

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adorned with mistletoe. We didn't invite
you to the Christmas party, the boy

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said, in a pubescent squeak.
Why don't you and Rudolph fuck off?

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Are you afraid? Good? Weekly
spooky? We'll be right back. Brute

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Cake shook his head violently, flinging
the corpses from his antlers. He snorted

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and scraped his hoof through the snow. Blood soaked his snout and bubbled in

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his nostrils. To be fair,
you do have a red nose right now,

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Ray padded the animal's side. Look, Dallas, we're here on important

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North Pole business. How'd you know
my name? The boy demanded. I

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read the naughty List like it's the
Sunday paper, Ray said, before you

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chopped up your family, you made
the list for smashing your sister's gerbil.

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The crowd gasped. And I know
you and you and you, Ray said,

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as he turned and pointed at various
children. He wagged his finger at

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one of them, especially you.
That was some innovative work you did,

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kiddo. What what do you want? Dallas asked, to give you presents.

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Ray threw his hands into the air. Christmas is about second chances.

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The fat man's had a change of
heart. Go on back to your cells

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before you catch a cold. Tomorrow
everyone gets gifts. I already got my

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present. Dallas hefted the axe.
I said, I wouldn't kill anyone else

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tonight, so try to run really
fast so that I don't look like a

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liar. Ray pulled the be dazzled
grenade from his pocket. Five second fuse,

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eight meter kill zone. It's doable, but just barely. The elf

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jerked the pin free and the children
scattered. Ray ran for the edge,

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knowing his stumpy legs would never get
him clear in time. He jumped over

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the side, casting his grappling hook
for the drain pipe as the device exploded

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behind him. He planned on crashing
through the window like John McLean, only

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Nakatomi Plaza didn't have bars. Over
the windows. Ray struck the iron grid

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00:20:15.759 --> 00:20:19.480
and bounced off, twisting on the
rope like the world's ugliest ornament. He

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00:20:19.559 --> 00:20:25.200
hit it again, but caught hold. Ray pulled his dagger and used it

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00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:30.079
to unscrew the grate. He kicked
out the glass and shimmered inside. Fuck

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00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:36.200
me with a nutcracker, he groaned, Whatever gets your rocks off, the

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woman said, before grabbing Ray by
the throat and slinging him into a graffitied

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wall. Ray's tiny form shattered the
sheet rock. A female guard towered over

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him. Her cutoff trousers revealed thick
muscular thighs, each one as big around

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as Ray himself. Scalps dangled from
her pistol belt that hung below a hardened

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eight pack of abdominal muscles. Ray's
eyes widened when he saw she was topless

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and pinned her badge through her left
nipple. She patted a nightstick against her

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palm. Growls and barks came from
one of the cells. Two of the

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guards came out, wearing nothing but
dog ears and tails. This is the

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pro bowl of fucking psychopaths, he
said, struggling to his feet. I'm

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00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:29.119
commander thatcher. The woman's voice boomed. Long before Mindy the Thrasher Thatcher had

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taken over Kreager Island. She'd been
a women's wrestling champion and longtime resident of

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the Naughty List. It was no
wonder Candy Pain had picked kill Yu Island

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to deliver his coup de gras to
Christmas sicken boys. The two guards snarled

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and scurried at Ray on all fours. The elf juked around one, letting

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them crash together with a yip.
He ran down the hall, hurtling,

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gnawed bodies, and slid to a
stop as another guard dog crawled out to

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block path. Only this time it
was an actual dog. The terrier,

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wearing a mask of leather straps,
dragged a length of intestines behind him.

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You're breaking the law, Convict,
Thatcher shouted, my law. Now get

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00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:22.039
your scrawny ass back in your cell. Convict Ray tugged at his pointy ears,

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You dumbass. I'm an elf,
The terrier growled, gimp doesn't give

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00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:30.720
a shit what gang you're in.
Neither do I. Thatcher tapped the baton

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00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:37.039
with each step closer. Bad children
spend the night with the dogs. The

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human pupps stalked alongside their mistress.
They gnashed their bloody teeth, slinging pink

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00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:48.079
saliva with each bark. This cell
block belonged to Lucifer Lloyd. Thatcher tugged

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at a scalp on her belt.
So did this he thought he was the

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00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:57.000
devil. Think you'll scream as much
as the devil when I peel your skull

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elf. Keep talking looking, and
I'll do it myself. Ray cupped a

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hand to his ear. Hear that
is it time to make the cookies.

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That is just a hurtful stereotype.
Ray barked. You haven't seen how hurtful

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I can be yet. Thatcher laughed, I was going to give you a

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00:23:18.200 --> 00:23:22.599
witty one liner. Ray said,
better make it a singer, because it'll

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be your last words. Thatcher drew
the bowie knife from her belt. Ray

255
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backed away from her. She clanked
the weapons together rhythmically. The human animals

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howled for elf meat. Ray continued
back pedaling until he felt the wet nose

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of the terrier touch his hand.
The dog let out a deep throaty growl

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and licked his fingers. Don't you
know, Ray said, with a giggle.

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Elves are one with nature, even
Psycho Mutch like this. One.

260
00:23:52.960 --> 00:23:57.359
Gimp nuzzled its head under his arm, and Ray gave him pets. Thatcher

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stopped in her tracks. I bet
I know what a good puppy like you

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wants for Christmas. Ray chirped happily
chew toys. The terrier bolted down the

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corridor, launching itself at the wannabees. The second pounced on him, biting

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into the dog's shoulder. Gimp didn't
even make a yip before swinging around and

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tearing out the man's throat. Thatcher
stumbled backwards, slipping in the arterial spray.

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The dog in the remaining guard locked
up. Gimp latched onto the man's

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crotch, drawing a high pitch wail, Good boy, you found his squeaker.

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Ray slouched shit. I feel like
Michael Vick watching this. Thatcher scrambled

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down the hallway with the dog on
her heels. Ray whistled as he skipped

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away from the carnage to find the
stairwell. He crept down stealthily, stopping

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to listen at the door. He
could hear a ruckus beyond, and decided

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to try another floor. Ray could
rewrite the naughty list from memory. He

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00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:03.920
knew who else howsed on kill U
Island. Some of them wouldn't make it

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00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:08.640
easy to keep his word to missus
Claws. On the third floor, Ray

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00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:15.359
paused to listen. His ears twitched
at the melodic giggling. Normal people do

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not giggle in the middle of a
prison riot. He didn't need heightened sentences

277
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:25.000
to hear the screams that came next. The naughtiest inmate on the island was

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locked up in the basement. Ray
knew that's where pain would be going if

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00:25:30.079 --> 00:25:33.920
he wasn't there already. Unfortunately,
that meant crossing the east wing of the

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00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:40.759
facility. He knelt suddenly, putting
his palm to the floor. Toy makers

281
00:25:40.799 --> 00:25:45.799
had to have an amazing sense of
touch. It helped with stalking naughty children

282
00:25:45.839 --> 00:25:51.160
as well. Someone was coming up
the stairs. His wide nostrils flared,

283
00:25:51.240 --> 00:25:56.880
taking in the scent chemicals clung to
his nosehairs. He had a pretty good

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00:25:56.920 --> 00:26:02.839
idea who it was and exactly what
the ki had asked for this Christmas.

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Ray was out of options. He
slid through the door, closing it gently

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00:26:07.079 --> 00:26:11.880
behind him. The five girls didn't
notice him as they played ring around the

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00:26:11.960 --> 00:26:18.079
rosie with one of their dismembered,
but not dead. Cellmates. The arms

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00:26:18.079 --> 00:26:22.559
and legs still twitched and danced next
to the wriggling torso. Ray slumped,

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00:26:23.559 --> 00:26:30.720
Bridget and Patty booth led the sing
song chant all together in a circle,

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00:26:30.759 --> 00:26:37.599
we sing the name of the most
wicked thing, mister Jolly the Smiling King,

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00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:44.319
except the sacrifice that we bring,
mister Jolly the Smiling King, master

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00:26:44.480 --> 00:26:48.839
of all that bite and staying for
you. We kill and dance, and

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00:26:48.119 --> 00:26:53.640
saying enough, Ray whistled and clapped
his hands. The girls quit dancing,

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00:26:53.680 --> 00:26:59.400
and the circle broke into a human
chain that blocked the hall. They stared

295
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:03.880
at the elf quizzically, this looks
like a really fun slumber party, Ray

296
00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:08.880
pointed at the sacrifice. Well maybe
not for her, but you need to

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00:27:08.880 --> 00:27:12.759
get to bed now. Santa is
bringing everyone presents, but only if you're

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00:27:12.799 --> 00:27:18.359
sound asleep when he gets here.
Fuck Santa, pat squeaked, We don't

299
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:22.559
need that judgmental bastard. Yeah,
like, I've got two of those at

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00:27:22.599 --> 00:27:29.039
home. Bridget added, they're called
parents. We have the Smiling King.

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00:27:29.559 --> 00:27:34.240
The other girl said in unison,
Oh yeah, that was creepy. Ray

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00:27:34.319 --> 00:27:40.119
patted the air. Hate to tell
you, but your creepy pasta is a

303
00:27:40.200 --> 00:27:45.680
little undercooked. There is no mister
Jolly is coming, the dismembered girl said,

304
00:27:45.680 --> 00:27:49.039
with a mouthful of blood. It
worked, Hail the Smiling King.

305
00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:55.559
The lights flickered in the hallway.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.

306
00:27:56.240 --> 00:28:03.519
Ray drew his scimitar. It's a
stupid intern That story what Santa Bridget asked.

307
00:28:03.079 --> 00:28:08.799
If you believe in something, really
believe it's real. Santa is real,

308
00:28:10.359 --> 00:28:15.759
Elves are real. Mister Jolly is
real. This is what we really

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00:28:15.799 --> 00:28:23.240
want for Christmas, pat said,
mister Jolly the Smiling King. A deep

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00:28:23.319 --> 00:28:30.880
voice sang inside a cell, the
name of the most wicked thing. The

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00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:37.640
lights went out completely. The inhuman
voice laughed. Ray's eyes adjusted quickly,

312
00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:42.440
and he saw the girls jumping about
giddaly. Spindly fingers gripped the bars of

313
00:28:42.480 --> 00:28:48.960
the cell. Spiders scurried from his
sleeves and over the claw like digits.

314
00:28:48.920 --> 00:28:56.240
Ray heard muffled buzzing. The entity
still hiding in the abyss wretched, and

315
00:28:56.319 --> 00:29:00.839
the swarm of wasps billowed out into
the corridor. Ray bolted for the door.

316
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:08.400
He cranked on the handle. It
wouldn't budge a widow twisted gracefully on

317
00:29:08.480 --> 00:29:14.720
a strand of silk until it rested
on his nose. Ray flicked it away

318
00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:19.400
and followed the string up to a
shiny cufflin. A live deathly hand held

319
00:29:19.440 --> 00:29:25.920
the door at the top. Ray
turned slowly and looked up at the demonic

320
00:29:26.039 --> 00:29:30.680
thing the children had summoned. It
glared down at him with bulging eyes ringed

321
00:29:30.680 --> 00:29:37.720
with ragged flesh where lids had been
cut away. Its gaunt face hung open

322
00:29:37.960 --> 00:29:45.519
and an oversized smile held together with
rawhide stitching. The king is holding court.

323
00:29:47.480 --> 00:29:52.720
It hissed, without moving its mouth. Sorry, Paly, but I

324
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:59.160
like my creepypastas with extra red sauce. Ray swung the Tomatian's sword across the

325
00:29:59.160 --> 00:30:03.559
creature's torsa, slicing a wide gash
that erupted with insects. They spilled over

326
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:08.440
peppermint Ray, biting and stinging his
flesh. He dived between the monster's legs

327
00:30:08.440 --> 00:30:12.960
and rolled across the floor to squish
as many as he could. The lights

328
00:30:15.160 --> 00:30:23.400
flicked back on mister Jolly was gone. Ray looked around. The child coltists

329
00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:29.480
were slumped on the floor, covered
in masses of swollen welts, and all

330
00:30:29.559 --> 00:30:36.960
wearing impossibly wide smiles. Ray touched
a raised knot on his cheek and gingerly

331
00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:41.680
plucked the stinger from the center.
I don't care if I did just see

332
00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:45.759
you. I don't believe in you, he shouted. So there, you

333
00:30:45.880 --> 00:30:52.720
can't hurt me. The lights flickered
and Ray screamed. The door opened at

334
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:59.119
the opposite end of the hall.
Mister Jolly's laughter echoed from the other side.

335
00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:06.000
Fucking crazy dominatrix. Bitch people acting
like dogs and lunatics everywhere, Now

336
00:31:06.119 --> 00:31:11.559
a supernatural monster. This is worse
than Christmas with Crampus. Ray threw his

337
00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:17.720
hands into the air. What's next? The door banged open behind him,

338
00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:26.079
chest nuts roasting on an open fire. The Little Boy sang. Ray dropped

339
00:31:26.119 --> 00:31:30.960
to the ground as the jet of
napalm blazed over him. He turned over

340
00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:36.839
and watched Milo the Pyro blast the
nearest cell with his flamethrower. Doesn't anyone

341
00:31:36.920 --> 00:31:41.839
in this fucking place just want a
Teddy ruckspin? Ray kipped up to his

342
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:45.559
feet. Listen, Milo, you're
a pretty good kid. I mean,

343
00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:51.359
who hasn't burned down a house or
seven? Right? Do you know who

344
00:31:51.400 --> 00:31:56.440
I am? Yeah? You make
those awesome cookies with fudge. Milo smiled.

345
00:31:57.000 --> 00:32:02.400
I like those, No I do
not. Ray saw the boy's eyes

346
00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:07.559
fill with hate. Do not just
make the fudge ones? I make them

347
00:32:07.559 --> 00:32:15.200
all. I'm the head cookie chef
that sounds made up, Milo said,

348
00:32:15.079 --> 00:32:20.319
Look at these shoes, Milo,
Ray wiggled his foot. Look at these

349
00:32:20.400 --> 00:32:24.200
pointy fucking ears. Do I look
like a garden gnome? No, I

350
00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:30.279
look like an elf. Elves don't
lie about serious shit, and there is

351
00:32:30.319 --> 00:32:36.799
no shit more serious than cookies to
an elf. Cool. Milo jabbed the

352
00:32:36.839 --> 00:32:42.079
flamethrower towards him. I'm going to
burn this place down now. Can't deliver

353
00:32:42.200 --> 00:32:45.559
cookies to a pile of ash.
Ray shrugged, health code and all that.

354
00:32:46.480 --> 00:32:51.559
I just signed a deal with Santa. The naughty nice thing is over.

355
00:32:52.039 --> 00:32:54.559
Naughty kids are getting presents now,
and he knows how much you love

356
00:32:54.720 --> 00:33:02.920
my cookies, Then why be nice? Milo torched another cell. Because there's

357
00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:08.200
better presence for the nice kids.
Ray waved his hand. They're still working

358
00:33:08.200 --> 00:33:14.759
out the details, but point is, you get cookies on Christmas morning if

359
00:33:14.839 --> 00:33:21.720
you stop setting fires. The striped
ones too, he asked. Ray looked

360
00:33:21.759 --> 00:33:24.960
over his shoulder at the open door. A spider crawled along the jam,

361
00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:31.960
and somewhere down the stairs he heard
jolly snickering. He turned back to Milo

362
00:33:32.079 --> 00:33:37.680
and smiled, Let me borrow that
flamethrower, and I'll throw in cookies so

363
00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:45.400
special that only elves have ever tasted
them. There's more scares where that came

364
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:59.119
from. Weekly Spooky will be right
back. Ray watched the jellied petroleum burn

365
00:33:59.240 --> 00:34:05.000
on the cinderblock with a bemused grin. He blasted the flamethrower down each set

366
00:34:05.039 --> 00:34:09.639
of stairs to clear the path until
he finally arrived in the basement. A

367
00:34:09.760 --> 00:34:15.440
rusted gate stood ajar next to an
unmanned security desk. Bare bulbs flickered,

368
00:34:15.719 --> 00:34:22.760
casting shadow puppets on the walls.
The heavy steel doors of solitary confinement cells

369
00:34:22.360 --> 00:34:29.559
were open. Smells drifted down the
corridor that made Ray's stomach growl. Someone

370
00:34:30.360 --> 00:34:37.119
was cooking burgers. His face paled. They didn't cook burgers in prison basements.

371
00:34:37.880 --> 00:34:40.400
It had to be a Christmas request, and if anyone in the hole

372
00:34:40.519 --> 00:34:47.320
was requesting delicious all meat patties,
it had to be Robbie Mocker. Vomit

373
00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:52.840
hit the back of Ray's teeth,
but he choked it back down. Each

374
00:34:52.960 --> 00:34:57.639
cell he passed was empty. The
aroma grew stronger, and despite knowing that

375
00:34:58.239 --> 00:35:02.239
or who was in those paddies,
Ray had to admit that the smell was

376
00:35:02.360 --> 00:35:08.280
exquisite. He rounded the corner,
his finger tense against the trigger. Sugar

377
00:35:08.320 --> 00:35:13.360
plum. Gary shoved an arm into
the meat grinder and hopped off the step

378
00:35:13.480 --> 00:35:19.400
ladder to work the crank. Ray
watched the arm descend into the machine.

379
00:35:19.480 --> 00:35:22.679
The process made the hand wave at
him as it disappeared and came out the

380
00:35:22.719 --> 00:35:29.519
other end in ropeie pink strands that
dropped into a bowl. Gary pinched two

381
00:35:29.559 --> 00:35:34.280
balls of the meat and smashed them
onto an electric griddle. He slapped cheese

382
00:35:34.280 --> 00:35:38.360
on a pair that were already cooking. The toaster popped noisily, almost causing

383
00:35:38.440 --> 00:35:44.800
Ray to torch the makeshift kitchen prematurely. Gary, who sucked at everything,

384
00:35:45.440 --> 00:35:50.599
was a short order savant. Hurry
up out there, Candy pain barked from

385
00:35:50.639 --> 00:35:54.880
the last cell on the left.
He's still hungry, Order up, Gary

386
00:35:54.920 --> 00:35:59.840
declared, happily. Then bring it
here, Gary, it's not a present

387
00:35:59.840 --> 00:36:04.880
if you don't deliver it. Ray
whistled. Gary turned and dropped the burger.

388
00:36:05.559 --> 00:36:08.320
The lights went out, and Ray
pulled the trigger filling the hallway with

389
00:36:08.440 --> 00:36:15.679
fire and smell of burning gingerbread.
Gary's immolated body bounced off the walls before

390
00:36:15.679 --> 00:36:21.920
collapsing next to the table. Through
the flickering flames, Ray saw the unnatural

391
00:36:21.960 --> 00:36:27.119
smile hiding in the dark. Mister
Jolly unfolded himself from the tight space,

392
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:31.079
his legs, stepping over his torso
like a spider. Before he stood upright,

393
00:36:31.960 --> 00:36:37.440
wasps crawled along his lips. Ray
raised the flamethrower. I brought my

394
00:36:37.519 --> 00:36:42.559
bug spray this time, Pally,
you ever been burned alive? I have?

395
00:36:42.920 --> 00:36:45.320
It sucks and as much as it
would jingle my bells to find out

396
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:52.239
how flammable you are, I got
some more pressing issues. Don't you want

397
00:36:52.280 --> 00:37:00.840
to smile? Ray? The King
asked, you could smile forever after I

398
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:05.800
kill you, But let's stick a
pin in that just for now. When

399
00:37:05.840 --> 00:37:12.400
you want to play, just sing. Mister Jolly sank into the shadows,

400
00:37:13.039 --> 00:37:19.599
sing for the King, the most
wicked thing. Ray let the flamethrower fall

401
00:37:19.639 --> 00:37:23.840
to the floor and stepped into the
doorway of the kinder cannibal cell. The

402
00:37:23.920 --> 00:37:30.760
obese child used his fingers to force
the last bite of burger into his overstuffed

403
00:37:30.800 --> 00:37:36.000
mouth. Is that enough? Candy? Paine asked, Are you satisfied now?

404
00:37:36.199 --> 00:37:40.039
Have I granted you the buffet you
most wanted for Christmas? Robbie shook

405
00:37:40.079 --> 00:37:45.199
his head and his cheeks kept moving
afterwards. He was in kindergarten when he

406
00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:51.719
realized he liked the taste of people. Then one day, in third grade,

407
00:37:52.239 --> 00:37:55.880
he decided to turn his class into
a goddamn Denny's. At his trial,

408
00:37:55.960 --> 00:38:00.639
he said, people whose names end
in vowel sounds taste bat Ray knocked

409
00:38:00.679 --> 00:38:05.920
on the door as he entered the
tiny room. You'll never get away with

410
00:38:06.000 --> 00:38:09.840
this, Ray snickered, get it, Yule, Yeah, you never did

411
00:38:09.920 --> 00:38:15.519
have a sense of humor. I
knew he'd send you candy. Pain said,

412
00:38:15.360 --> 00:38:20.480
If I give the naughtiest kids the
presence they want the most, then

413
00:38:20.519 --> 00:38:25.880
this whole system burns Without Santa,
humans will destroy themselves through their own avarice.

414
00:38:28.039 --> 00:38:35.079
Ray tapped his ear. Do you
hear that the sleigh bells? Pain

415
00:38:35.239 --> 00:38:39.159
scoffed. I know your corny lines
as well as I know your tactics.

416
00:38:39.800 --> 00:38:45.039
I got some missletoe hanging off my
belt. How about you kiss me under

417
00:38:45.079 --> 00:38:50.719
it? Ray pointed at the ceiling. The Storm's over dipshit. Santa's giving

418
00:38:50.760 --> 00:38:55.679
naughty kids presents too. Because you're
right, humans are greedy, and you

419
00:38:55.679 --> 00:39:00.599
you're jealous of that. Candy pain
rose from the bunk. His hand moved

420
00:39:00.639 --> 00:39:06.280
to his dagger. When you put
love into things instead of people, it

421
00:39:06.360 --> 00:39:10.280
becomes greed. Christmas has shown us
that, but it's shown us what they

422
00:39:10.280 --> 00:39:15.960
can do when they love each other
too. Ray drew his knife. For

423
00:39:16.039 --> 00:39:22.320
all we've got going for us,
elves can't love, You're wrong, because

424
00:39:22.360 --> 00:39:28.920
I'm going to love gutting you,
Ray, Ray, Robbie muttered in a

425
00:39:28.960 --> 00:39:34.880
spew of crumbs, a sound.
The cannibal scurried through the discarded leftovers and

426
00:39:34.960 --> 00:39:38.239
clamped his teeth into Ray's leg.
He chewed the muscle until he gnawed deep

427
00:39:38.360 --> 00:39:43.079
enough for a good solid bite,
and jerked his head back with a hunk

428
00:39:43.119 --> 00:39:47.280
of elf meat oozing between his lips. Yo me, Robbie said, as

429
00:39:47.280 --> 00:39:53.000
he chewed. I want more.
I want elf burgers for Christmas. Ray

430
00:39:53.079 --> 00:39:57.559
limped out of the room. He
tried to think of a plan that didn't

431
00:39:57.599 --> 00:40:01.639
involve stabbing the kid in the face, but it was the most appealing option.

432
00:40:02.480 --> 00:40:07.039
Gingerbread wafted to his schnase. Ray
looked at the knife in his hand.

433
00:40:07.679 --> 00:40:12.880
In his very long life, he'd
never known missus claws to be wrong

434
00:40:13.320 --> 00:40:17.960
about anything. He hobbled to Gary's
burnt corpse and collapsed next to it.

435
00:40:19.719 --> 00:40:23.400
He cut away a slab of blackened
muscle and tossed it onto a single paper

436
00:40:23.440 --> 00:40:29.559
plate. Ray held the plate up
as the kinder cannibal sprang on him once

437
00:40:29.639 --> 00:40:36.440
more. Merry Christmas, he squeaked. Robbie snatched the plate from him and

438
00:40:36.599 --> 00:40:42.920
sniffed it. I want burgers.
That is better than Burger's. Ray said

439
00:40:43.559 --> 00:40:50.159
that, well, that's a Gary
Meal. Gary. Robbie accented the vowel

440
00:40:50.280 --> 00:40:54.960
sound and took a bite. Gary
meal is yummy too, seasoned with my

441
00:40:55.079 --> 00:41:00.320
secret blend of herbs and napalm.
Ray snapped off of Gary's ribs and got

442
00:41:00.360 --> 00:41:06.039
to his feet. Every Gary Meal
comes with a prize too. Ray worked

443
00:41:06.079 --> 00:41:09.440
at the bone with his dagger,
putting his Elvin toy making abilities to task.

444
00:41:09.519 --> 00:41:14.519
As he quickly whittled it into a
figure. He stretched to hand it

445
00:41:14.559 --> 00:41:20.039
to Robbie. All kids deserve toys
for Christmas, and that is special because

446
00:41:20.400 --> 00:41:24.480
it's just for you. It's a
limited edition. What is it, Robbie

447
00:41:24.559 --> 00:41:30.800
asked, it's a superhero, looks
like a fish. That's because it's Aquaman.

448
00:41:31.320 --> 00:41:35.719
Ray rolled his eyes. Look pally. Last year, I would have

449
00:41:35.800 --> 00:41:38.920
just killed you. So shitty action
figures are a step up. Now,

450
00:41:38.920 --> 00:41:43.039
how about you go back to your
room and I'll make you another gary meal.

451
00:41:43.679 --> 00:41:47.639
You're fucking dead. Candy Pain charged
down the hall, springing off Robbie's

452
00:41:47.639 --> 00:41:52.960
back and launching himself into the air
with his dagger cocked back. The light

453
00:41:52.039 --> 00:41:57.880
glinted on the serrated teeth of the
blade. Ray jumped back, narrowly dodging

454
00:41:57.920 --> 00:42:02.039
the attack. Pain slashed for throat. A spray of indigo blood drenched both

455
00:42:02.039 --> 00:42:07.599
elves faces. Ray twisted his dagger
and pulled it free. Guess you don't

456
00:42:07.639 --> 00:42:13.599
know my tactics that well, after
all, Candy Andy. Ray let the

457
00:42:13.719 --> 00:42:21.519
elf fall. Robbie crawled to him. Candy Andy, He accented the final

458
00:42:21.599 --> 00:42:27.760
sound of each word, double yum. Andy's gurgling screams echoed down the halls

459
00:42:28.119 --> 00:42:31.639
as the kinder cannibal dragged the elf
to his cell for a late night snack.

460
00:42:32.599 --> 00:42:37.000
Ray listened to the begging until it
was replaced with noisy chewing. He

461
00:42:37.079 --> 00:42:44.840
pursed his lips and nodded, Merry
Christmas. Pally Ray limped around a pool

462
00:42:44.880 --> 00:42:53.360
of shadow and locked the cell and
to all a good night. Leave it

463
00:42:53.440 --> 00:43:00.840
to old Peppermint to save Christmas,
but also involve a few full bodies immolations

464
00:43:00.880 --> 00:43:05.360
along the way. Thank you to
David O'Hanlon for that great Kryptmas story we

465
00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:09.440
got to share with you. As
the big day approaches, sooner and sooner.

466
00:43:09.960 --> 00:43:14.239
Remember there'll be content all the way
up to Monday on Christmas Day,

467
00:43:14.639 --> 00:43:17.400
so make sure you come back here
tomorrow and that you're subscribed on your favorite

468
00:43:17.400 --> 00:43:22.079
podcasting app. We've got so much
to bring you and we have no intention

469
00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:27.840
of slowing down. And if you've
ever wondered where are the other spookies like

470
00:43:27.880 --> 00:43:31.480
yourself hang out? Well, we
have a group on Facebook called the Weekly

471
00:43:31.599 --> 00:43:36.280
Spooky Tomb of Terror. It's free
to join. All you have to do

472
00:43:36.360 --> 00:43:39.840
is search Weekly Spooky tom of Terror
on Facebook and you can join myself,

473
00:43:40.119 --> 00:43:44.360
many of our authors, and a
whole lot of fans of the show as

474
00:43:44.360 --> 00:43:50.639
we share memes and scary stories and
all kinds of fun and creepy delights.

475
00:43:51.280 --> 00:43:52.880
So make sure you check that out, and again, if you love what

476
00:43:52.920 --> 00:43:57.039
we're doing and you want to support
us directly. The best way to do

477
00:43:57.079 --> 00:44:00.360
that is go to Weeklyspooky dot com, click on page Treon and sign up

478
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for as little as one dollar a
month and get exclusive content every other week.

479
00:44:06.880 --> 00:44:08.360
And by the way, I want
to say an extra special thank you

480
00:44:08.519 --> 00:44:13.920
to our Patreon podcast boosters, folks
who pay just a little bit more to

481
00:44:13.960 --> 00:44:16.519
hear their names at the end of
the show, and they are Johnny Nicks,

482
00:44:16.639 --> 00:44:22.440
John Collen, bobotopia dot Com,
Megan Hua, Julia Kersh, Brent

483
00:44:22.519 --> 00:44:25.960
mccallus, Steve King, Karen Wee, met Jack Kerr, and Craig Cohen.

484
00:44:27.000 --> 00:44:29.280
Thank you all so much, And
if you want to hear your name

485
00:44:29.599 --> 00:44:32.400
at the end of our program,
just go to Weeklyspooky dot com, click

486
00:44:32.400 --> 00:44:37.840
on Patreon and select any tier at
fifteen dollars a month or hire. But

487
00:44:37.960 --> 00:44:40.800
now, my dear spookies, I've
got to get back to work. There's

488
00:44:40.840 --> 00:44:45.840
so much more to be done before
Christmas Day, and believe me, we

489
00:44:45.920 --> 00:44:50.320
have something special plan for New Year's
as well. But now I'm going to

490
00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:53.239
rest, if only for a short
moment, so for myself, for my

491
00:44:53.320 --> 00:44:58.760
producer, Dan Wilder, my executive
producer Rob Fields and my composer Ray Mattis.

492
00:44:59.199 --> 00:45:02.440
I will talk at you thank you
tomorrow, thank you for listening.

493
00:45:02.480 --> 00:45:09.280
To make sure to find your way
back next week. But for now you

494
00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:13.000
are safe. Trust me,