WEBVTT
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A smiling stranger leaves Mary Ellen a carton of free
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eggs and promises a god lives inside. Eleven shells crack
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open empty, the twelve hatches something impossible on six spidery legs,
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and what it becomes next is hungry. What's that? You
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want to be scared? Come with me. You will experience
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tales over our room, ghosts and death. He does not
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recommend it for the week at our tart listeners in
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the dark. It's more fun that way way. This is
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Weekly Speaking. Hello, my spooky is It's Wednesday, and you
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know what that means. It's time for a little spooky
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in your weekly. I'm your host and narrator, Enrique Kuto,
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and tonight we have a story from a brand new author,
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a man named Alex Grass, who submitted a story from
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his brand new book Infernal Tramps Tales of Weird Terror,
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and I think he's going to fit in very well.
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But before we get to that, I want to say
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thank you all so much for joining us here tonight.
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It's summer, but lots of you are already thinking about Halloween,
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because well, Halloween never left you, so why should you
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ever leave it? So make sure you're subscribed on your
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favorite podcasting app to get a little taste of Halloween
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every single day of the week. As necessary, we'll be here,
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I promise, And if you love what we're doing and
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want to support us in a very direct way, head
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toweeklyspooky dot com slash join, where for as little as
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one dollar a month, you get two bonus shows every
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month and over five years of exclusive audiobooks and creepypasta
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readings at Weeklyspooky dot com slash join now as for tonight,
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most people know better than to accept food from a stranger.
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But when that stranger is painfully polite, the eggs are
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free and your refrigerator is empty, suspicion can start to
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feel a lot like bad manners. Mary Ellen only wants
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breakfast instead. The final shell in the carton reveals something
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with a human face, way too many legs, and a
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life cycle no chicken could have ever dreamed of. Soon,
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the thing in her kitchen is growing, and it may
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not only be a servant to the mysterious KCGA. So spookies,
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take this story as a bit of warning. Before you
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crack your next egg, listen closely. If something inside scratch
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his back, put down the skillet and run, but stick
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around if you're hungry for more. Odd egg by Alex Grass.
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There was a man waiting for me on my front
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porch when I got home from work. He waved at
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me as I walked up my driveway to my house.
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I had a strange feeling about him, because he was
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a strange looking man. There are strangers and then there
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are strangers, and there's a world of difference between them.
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But I waved back. Good evening, I said, and to you,
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the man said. His head was shaped like an egg.
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It was almost one third taller than the average man's head.
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Can I help you, I said, Let me not be rude.
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It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance in the way
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of comedy and fellowship. I'd like to introduce myself. My
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name is Roger. He held out for a handshake. I
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shook his hand. His fingers were long and cold and bumpy.
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A strange stranger's, strange head and strange hands. Roger. I'm
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Mary Ellen. Let me also not be rude, but still
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be direct. I've had a long day at work. Maybe
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you could come right out and tell me what you're
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doing here and how I can help you egghead. Roger nodded,
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like I'd said something true and wise. I can certainly
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appreciate that. If there's some thing that I can appreciate,
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it's directness. That's what folks are missing these days. Directness
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that along with direction. I'm a rather direct man myself,
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he said, though in the middle of disproving the same,
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So let me get right to it. He bent down
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and reached into a paper grocery bag, then pulled out
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a carton of eggs. I'm from the Keystone Cooperative Grower Association,
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and I would like to offer you these eggs. They're
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farm fresh and cruelty free, and it would be my
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honor and the honor of my fellow growers if you
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would accept this gift and use these eggs to your
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own delight. He held out the carton. I took the eggs. Oh, oh, okay,
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this is like this is a what is this a
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carton of eggs? Ma'am. His smile was too wide for
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his face, and it looked like the gesture was hurting him. Yes,
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I understand that part, good, he said, But why are
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you giving out free eggs? This is just a service
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we provide to the community. You see the KCGA. That's
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our initialism for brevit you understand. The k CGA's position
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is that to enjoy a good egg is to enjoy life.
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We want the whole world to enjoy their lives, which
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to some degree means we want them to enjoy our
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eggs too. Oh, do you know that a god lives
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inside our eggs? How's that? Now? The time will come
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when the god filled eggs will feed the sick and
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the poor, until the sick and the poor are no more.
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That time will be the time of the egg. Everything
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unborn will be born, and everything dead will be born again.
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All will fall under the judgment of the many heads.
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I stared at him. Is this a religious thing? I'm
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not really much of a church goer. There will be
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no more faith when the world's flags are blooded by
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the many heads. The light of sanctification is kept only
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inside the egg. I've only ever met one scientologist. Are
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you a scient Well, as I said, it would make
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all of us at the KCGA just happy as the
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day is long. If you'd only take those eggs and
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enjoy them for yourself, and with that, I will leave
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you and wish you a wonderful rest of your evening.
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Enjoy your eggs and enjoy your life, ma'am, and if
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you can enjoy both at once, he turned and sprinted
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toward the woods. I looked down at my carton of eggs,
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thinking of l Ron Hubbard. The KCGA man was half
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a bubble off plumb, and I was undecided as far
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as eating lunatic produce. I thought I'd mull it over
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before frying up the man's eggs. But maybe I was
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being mistrustful. I reminded myself to keep in the habit
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of having faith in people until they gave me a
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reason not to. I woke up hungry Saturday morning, still
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in my pajamas. I maundered downstairs with the residue of
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sleep in my eyes. I looked in my refrigerator. There
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was nothing in there, nothing but the KCGA eggs. I
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picked the egg carton up out of the refrigerator. I
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put the eggs on the counter next to where the
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range was built in. I took the salted butter from
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the fridge and lobbed off a dollop into the skillet.
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I clicked the gas on the stovetop. The skillet got crackling,
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I reached for one of the eggs. I picked up
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the first egg, nice and cold from the fridge. I
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could feel the weight of the albumen and yoke inside
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the shell. But when I broke open the shell on
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the edge of the skillet, nothing came out. I felt
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like one of those rubes a magician calls on stage
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just to make fun of them. Nobody likes a trixy
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egg for breakfast. I picked up the next one, holding
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the heft of a shell full of egg. I again
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split it on the skillet, not but nothing the same
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as before. There I was starting to get miffed. I
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went through eleven eggs that way. I felt a chicken
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embryo sloshing around inside every shell. Hell, I know what
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a full egg feels like. I cracked almost all of
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them open, empty, down to one. One egg was left
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in for a penny, in for a pound. I picked
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up what I expected to be the last empty egg.
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Except when I cracked this one, something came out. It
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wasn't the yolk. An egg shaped human head plopped skittering
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into the skillet. It had two sets of three little legs,
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a set coming out of each side of the head.
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I screeched, and when the spidery little head hit the
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skillet and started sizzling, it started screeching two. I took
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the spatula and flipped the thing onto the counter. It
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moved its spindly little legs in purposeless panic, cried like
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how a baby cries. A tiny little egg sized critter
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half fried on my kitchen counter. I turned off the burner.
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I had no idea what to do next. The six
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legged head made a wheezing sound, followed by a noise
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like air being let out of a bicycle tire, and
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then it was dead. I didn't shower, or brush my teeth,
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or put real clothes on, or any of the things
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i'd earlier play to do. I poured myself three fingers
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of whiskey, grabbed the pack of cigarettes I swore off
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two months ago, and parked my ass on my front
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porch stoop. I sat there until I'd finished my whisky
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and smoked half a dozen parliaments. I tucked my old
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fashioned glass behind my dairy air. When the early risers
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passed by on their morning stroll to neighbors, who stopped
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and said they thought I'd quit smoking, I made a
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gesture of Hey, what can you do? I had some
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liquid courage to fortify me. So I re entered my
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house and went back in my kitchen. The six legged
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head was gone, but there was another egg in its place.
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This one was about the size of a grapefruit. I
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figured on driving down the state road to my friend Dustin's.
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His daddy was a poultryman, so Dustin knew lots about
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chickens and lots about eggs, and loved talking about both,
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so much so that I'd previously found him duller than
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watching paint dry. But it's not like I ever told
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him that. I put the big egg in a little
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grocery bag and hung it on the wall hooks while
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I got ready to see Dustin. By the time I
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was clean and dressed, there was someone knocking on my door.
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I went downstairs and opened it to find my old
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high school boyfriend, Danny. Danny smiled, I smiled back, Hi,
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Mary Ellen, Danny, how's tricks? Well, you know I'm in
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town to visit my brother and my new niece. He
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had a girl this time. How is good, old early Bird,
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I said. We used to call Danny's baby brother early
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Bird Earle because he was a known fuss budget, who'd
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rather lose a limb than show up at a church
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or school any less than fifteen minutes. Early, his mother
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used to say that Earle would make sure to be
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dead and resurrected twice before anyone else even knew the
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rapture had started. He's more boring than watching grass grow, say,
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I was wondering if you I'll get my purse. This
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was a semi regular thing. When Danny came back to town,
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we went out carusing. After trolling roadhouses, we returned to
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my place to as I've heard it, put Netflix and chill.
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I was out there door not a minute later. The
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grapefruit sized egg still hung on my wall hook, momentarily
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forgotten through the call of my lust. My friend Jackie
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dropped us back off at home. Three sheets to the wind,
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two blitz to steer the ship, but too old to
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be stupid enough to drunk dry either. Some call that wisdom.
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Me and Danny stood under the fading yellow porch light
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as it projected the shadows of moths aerial maneuvers. Danny
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kept grabbing at me, not in a bad way. I
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needed to concentrate because the lock kept moving away from
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my key, Mary Ellen, I you know, I like I.
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I turned around and held my finger to my lips,
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trying not to laugh. Sh I got neighbors. They're late
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when it sleeps, I mean, Danny, Hey, Danny, what do
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I mean? You mean they're sleeping when you? Danny stumbled
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back into my wind chime and made it jangle shit.
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I started laughing hysterically. Through catching my breath, I managed
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to tell Danny that I thought my neighbors probably shat
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during daylight hours too. He didn't get it. To be fair,
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I'm not sure it was a joke. I got the
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key in the lock and opened the door. Danny grabbed
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my wrist and stopped me from walking in. Hold on,
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little lady, it's late at night and the light's not bright.
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Let me check out your homestead, he said, and waggled
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his eyebrows. I laughed and held one arm toward my
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door like a girl presenting game show prizes. My hero
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your chivalrous as shit. Danny walked inside. A few steps
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in he abruptly stopped. I heard a gurgling sound, then
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a croaking sound, like when you're in really bad pain
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but don't have the wind to cry out. Danny just
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stood there spasmodically shaking, Danny, what are you doing? I
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reached inside to the left of him and switched on
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the vestibule light. I saw why Danny was shocked still
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and gurgling. Two foot and a half long barbs punctured
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his neck and the side of his head at his temple, respectively.
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There came a quick slushing sound as the barbs slickly
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slid out of his throat and skull. Danny convulsed as
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he fell to the floor. I stared, unable to move.
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A half dozen legs each like a seven foot long
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bendable stilt, carried forward a massive head the size of
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a yoga ball. My adrenal gland secreted enough to quickly
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boot me off my drunk. I put together the sequence
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in my head. The first egg gave birth to the
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first tiny head with legs. The first tiny head with
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legs gave birth to the bigger egg. The bigger egg
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gave birth to this. The barbs snapped back into the
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egg shaped head's mouth. The things six legs locomoted like
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a basketball hoophie spider crabs. Its height was all long limbs.
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I screamed. I turned to run, it snared me on
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one of its crustacean spindles. The appendage was no thicker
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00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:22.720
than a garden hose, but the kinetic strength of the
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00:20:22.759 --> 00:20:27.759
other five legs produced an unimpedable force. As the six
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00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:31.640
legged head flung me like a rag doll across my
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00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:37.759
living room, I hit head first into a wall. Everything
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00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:45.240
went black. I woke up in the corner of my
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living room. The six legged head was much bigger than before.
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00:20:51.519 --> 00:20:56.319
A proboscis like a livid, blood red bamboo shoot extended
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00:20:56.359 --> 00:20:59.880
from the middle of its forehead down to the ground,
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00:21:00.039 --> 00:21:03.880
where it had punctured Danny's body through the top of
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00:21:03.960 --> 00:21:09.160
his skull. I heard slurping and sucking noises over a
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00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:14.960
sound like a wet dry shop vacuum. As it sucked
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00:21:14.960 --> 00:21:20.440
out Danny's brains and guts, the six legged head metamorphosed.
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00:21:21.400 --> 00:21:26.599
Bulbs of flesh molded on its face, bones broke and
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00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:32.559
reset to altered curvatures. It was a nightmare clamation a
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00:21:32.599 --> 00:21:40.759
freakish rob boteine practical effect. Its face was turning into Danny's.
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00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:45.400
By the time it slurped up all of Danny's insides,
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00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:52.039
the egg's face had completely changed into his its proboscis
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00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:56.559
shucked itself free from the swollen puncture in Danny's skull.
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00:21:58.119 --> 00:22:04.640
My date's dead body shrunken, drained of its every wet drop.
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00:22:05.599 --> 00:22:10.000
The six legged head noticed me as if I'd only
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00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:14.079
just appeared. It approached my corner in the gate of
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00:22:14.119 --> 00:22:19.640
a mutated hexapod. Once beside me, it looked down. I
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00:22:19.799 --> 00:22:24.039
looked and saw the top of its head almost touching
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00:22:24.119 --> 00:22:31.400
the ceiling tiles. I from KCGA. The six legged heads
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00:22:31.440 --> 00:22:39.799
spoke in Danny's voice. I started crying, neighborly is giving eggs?
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00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:46.920
You happiness with eggs, You loving eggs. I covered my
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00:22:47.079 --> 00:22:51.680
mouth to blunt, hiccuping sobs, trying not to make noise.
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00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:58.079
It was right there, God, that thing was right there.
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00:22:59.319 --> 00:23:07.319
AND's voice, I I, My voice coming from my body
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00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:13.160
startled me. I was flooded. Had the six legged head
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00:23:13.200 --> 00:23:18.079
penetrated my flesh? Had it infected my brain? Was I
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00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:25.480
a host dreaming my parasites dreams? It chittered and got louder.
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00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:32.319
Under Danny's voice was a noisy, burbling sludgelike food through
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00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:39.680
a gassy gut. You are happiness inside eggs, are neighboring
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00:23:40.519 --> 00:23:46.839
happy eggs. Yes, yes, I am very happy with the eggs,
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I managed while bearing down on my weeping. The six
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00:23:52.559 --> 00:23:56.839
legged heads seemed to think this over for a minute.
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00:23:56.920 --> 00:24:04.079
It spoke, Eggs is community, Eggs is neighbors and neighborly.
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00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:10.119
Eggs is friendly and are gooding. You will to buying
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00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:16.160
more eggs. Yes, yes, I'll buy more eggs, I swear.
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00:24:17.160 --> 00:24:21.240
I looked around for my purse. Did I have cash?
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00:24:22.039 --> 00:24:25.319
Is that what it wanted? I could go to the
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00:24:26.519 --> 00:24:31.079
Oh oh, I thought of something. I just I have
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00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:33.559
to go to the bank to get money to pay you,
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00:24:34.519 --> 00:24:40.240
I said. The six legged head was processing this as
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00:24:40.279 --> 00:24:44.640
it worked out my proposal. It spoke its thoughts, allowed,
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00:24:45.960 --> 00:24:53.240
bank are money, money are giving kcga kcga, god of
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00:24:53.480 --> 00:25:00.400
people's eggs is kcga. Money is going to forg egs
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00:25:01.680 --> 00:25:10.160
x x x exchange, I said. The six legged head
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00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:14.559
blue dumb forced laughter out its mouth, like a grade
289
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:20.119
schooler guffawing at a joke about political economy. Its laughter
290
00:25:20.279 --> 00:25:27.279
stopped suddenly enough to almost be violent. Eggs are money, exchange.
291
00:25:27.799 --> 00:25:33.799
Eggs is money. Our money is kcga. Money is God
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00:25:33.960 --> 00:25:38.480
of peoples. It leaned over me with a stupid but
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00:25:39.240 --> 00:25:45.599
penetrating gaze. Bank are where I pointed toward the door
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00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:54.279
in town. Money are bank? I nodded, yes, the money
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00:25:54.480 --> 00:25:58.480
is in the bank. It bent one of its spidery
296
00:25:58.559 --> 00:26:03.000
legs and scratch which the necklace underside of its head body.
297
00:26:04.039 --> 00:26:07.440
I don't know if it was thinking or aping a
298
00:26:07.559 --> 00:26:13.720
gesture it had seen a thinking creature. Make you go bank?
299
00:26:14.440 --> 00:26:20.680
It said, yes, I go bank. It skittered backward a
300
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:24.640
few steps and opened a clear path toward the front door,
301
00:26:25.559 --> 00:26:30.519
then turned to look back at me. Eggs is money
302
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:36.160
and our kcga, god of all peoples, you are going
303
00:26:36.240 --> 00:26:40.799
to bank. I didn't know what it wanted me to do.
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00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:47.359
I didn't move. Go the head said, with much more
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00:26:47.480 --> 00:26:52.400
loudness and force. I didn't need any more prompting than that.
306
00:26:53.359 --> 00:26:57.279
I got to my feet, careful to make no sudden movements.
307
00:26:57.960 --> 00:27:01.240
I tiptoed past the six leg head with as wide
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00:27:01.319 --> 00:27:05.160
a berth as I could give. As soon as I
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00:27:05.319 --> 00:27:11.720
was at my door, I ran. When I came back
310
00:27:11.920 --> 00:27:15.400
with the police, there was no evidence of any of
311
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:22.119
the things I claimed had happened had actually happened. There
312
00:27:22.200 --> 00:27:25.960
was no blood on my living room carpet, no six
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00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:30.640
legged head, no egg carton in the trash from the KCGA,
314
00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:38.799
no Danny's body, nothing, all of it gone. I was
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00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:41.599
warned that I needed to cut back on the sauce.
316
00:27:42.440 --> 00:27:46.160
Ems came and checked me out, asked me how many
317
00:27:46.279 --> 00:27:49.720
quarters make up a dollar and who the president was.
318
00:27:50.799 --> 00:27:53.960
They said that I might have been soused, but was
319
00:27:54.000 --> 00:27:58.759
still pretty lucid. One of the EMTs nodded his head
320
00:27:58.759 --> 00:28:02.839
at me sideways while talking to one of the cops.
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00:28:03.440 --> 00:28:07.319
The cop came over and asked me a bunch of questions.
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00:28:08.200 --> 00:28:12.759
They were all round about secondary queries. What he was
323
00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:17.200
really asking was are you now or have you ever
324
00:28:17.319 --> 00:28:23.240
been a drunken lunatic spinster. The cop decided the answer
325
00:28:23.519 --> 00:28:28.720
was probably yes. I was cited for the misdemeanor crime
326
00:28:28.799 --> 00:28:35.400
of false alarm or report. I sought psychological counseling. You
327
00:28:35.559 --> 00:28:39.559
tend not to believe your own eyes when something happens
328
00:28:39.640 --> 00:28:45.240
like what I've precedingly described, I thought it couldn't hurt.
329
00:28:46.359 --> 00:28:48.920
After a week or so, I got a call from
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00:28:48.960 --> 00:28:53.920
Earle asking if I'd seen Danny. I told him we'd
331
00:28:53.960 --> 00:28:56.839
gone out, and I told him that I told the
332
00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:02.079
cops too, and I left it all at that when
333
00:29:02.119 --> 00:29:05.319
Earle sees me in the grocery store. Now he gets
334
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:10.920
a look on his face like he's smelling shit. Then
335
00:29:11.079 --> 00:29:15.400
he turns and walks the other way. I wouldn't be
336
00:29:15.480 --> 00:29:21.000
surprised if he wanted to kill me. A month later,
337
00:29:21.720 --> 00:29:25.680
there was a carton of eggs waiting on my doorstep
338
00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:29.680
when I got home from work. There was a note
339
00:29:30.359 --> 00:29:36.160
tied to the carton, nodded to it with twine. Enjoy
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00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:42.319
the latest batch. Please remit payment at your convenience your
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00:29:42.440 --> 00:29:54.079
friends at the KCGA. Well, my spookyes. The next time
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00:29:54.200 --> 00:30:00.359
a painfully polite stranger offers you some free, farm fresh eggs, Remember,
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00:30:01.000 --> 00:30:06.400
breakfast should never have so many appendages. I know they
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00:30:06.440 --> 00:30:09.279
say breakfast is the most important meal of the day,
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00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:13.440
but I'm gonna skip it. A huge Spooky thank you,
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00:30:13.559 --> 00:30:16.880
and welcome to Alex Grass, making his first appearance here
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00:30:16.920 --> 00:30:22.079
on Weekly Spooky. His ebook, Infernal Tramps Tales of Weird Terror,
348
00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:26.079
is available for only ninety nine cents on Amazon and
349
00:30:26.240 --> 00:30:29.200
is free to read with Kindle Unlimited, and you could
350
00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:32.400
find out more at Infernal Tramps dot com. And I
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00:30:32.440 --> 00:30:36.000
have a feeling we'll be hearing from Alex again very soon.
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00:30:36.680 --> 00:30:38.920
Thank you all so much for joining me tonight. Make
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00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:42.079
sure you are subscribed on your favorite podcast appen while
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00:30:42.079 --> 00:30:45.000
you're at it, share this scary story with a friend
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00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:47.920
who loves Halloween just as much as you. And if
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00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:51.920
they don't, maybe it's time they learn and you are
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00:30:51.960 --> 00:30:54.440
gonna teach them. And I want to say a very
358
00:30:54.480 --> 00:30:56.279
special thank you to all of you who went to
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00:30:56.319 --> 00:30:59.480
Weeklyspooky dot Com slash join and support us for as
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00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:02.039
little as well one dollar a month, but especially my
361
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Patreon podcast boosters folks who pay just a little bit
362
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more to hear their name at the end of every
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episode of Weekly Spooky, and they are Johnny Nix, Kate
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00:31:11.079 --> 00:31:15.640
and Lulu, Jessica Fuller, Mike Eskewey, Jenny Green, Karen we Met,
365
00:31:15.880 --> 00:31:18.920
Jack Kerr, and Craig Cohen. Thank you, guys, and if
366
00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:20.559
you want to hear your name at the end of
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00:31:20.599 --> 00:31:24.920
every episode in my silky spooky voice, head to Weeklyspooky
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00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:27.519
dot Com slash join and sign up at the fifteen
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dollars a month or higher tier. It makes a very
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big difference and helps us keep the show going and going.
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00:31:34.319 --> 00:31:36.440
And boy do we have so much to share with
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00:31:36.519 --> 00:31:40.000
you come October. But now it's time for me to
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00:31:40.039 --> 00:31:43.319
get back to it. There's of course a Thursday Thrills
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00:31:43.319 --> 00:31:45.400
for you all to enjoy that I've got to get
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00:31:45.400 --> 00:31:48.279
to recording, so make sure you're subscribed and I'll see
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00:31:48.319 --> 00:31:50.359
you tomorrow for a little more.
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00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:54.440
Spooky for my executive producers Rob Fields and babbletopia dot Com,
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00:31:54.440 --> 00:31:57.880
my producer Dan Wilder, and of course my creepy composer
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00:31:57.960 --> 00:32:01.839
Ray Maddis. I will talk at you tomorrow and maybe
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00:32:01.960 --> 00:32:03.759
go for cereal instead.
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00:32:04.759 --> 00:32:08.200
Thank you for listening things. Make sure to find your
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00:32:08.240 --> 00:32:09.839
way back next week week.
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00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:15.839
But for now you are safe, trust me.
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