Mischief Night: The Halloween Invasion — Punk Rock vs. Body-Snatching Monsters

Story transcript, edited from an automatic transcription. Minor transcription errors may remain; not checked word for word against the audio. Separate host segments and advertising omitted.

Mischief Night, The Halloween Invasion, by Shane Migliavacca Happy motherfucking Halloween. Calm down, son. Son swore in Korean before she kicked the van's flat tire. Why should I, Jade? We're stuck in the middle of nowhere on Halloween night with a blown out tire and a gig we're supposed to be at. Actually, two blown out tires, another voice added. This caused more swearing in Korean from Sun. Jade sighed, mumbling under her breath. Good one, Allie.

Allie stepped around from the other side of the van. She was a short, bleach blonde with a style that contrasted her bandmate's mall punk couture. Now what the fuck do we do? Sun leaned defeated against the van. Jade, the lead singer of the disposable tampons, looked up and down the long stretch of road. Nothing but fucking trees. She pulled at one of her long brown curls. Son, think your sister Bay would come get us?

Jade asked, not feeling hopeful about the answer. Son shook her head. She's got an art class tonight. Damn. How about the town we passed? Allie interjected. They gotta have a garage or something. Jade smiled. Brilliant. We'll push the van off the road, then hoof it to that town. The three girls got ready to move the van when they realized something. Aren't we missing something? Sun nodded towards the van. Or someone? Sun pulled the van's sliding door open.

Wedged between the seats in the van's gear was a sleeping bag with a human-like lump inside. Sun knocked on the side of the van. Up and at him, Rosalinda. A groan came from the sleeping bag. What? We need your help, Roz. Roz opened the sleeping bag. What's up? Sun frowned. Really? You slept through the hole nearly going off the road thing? Roz slid out of the van. We crashed? Why? Tires blew out, Allie informed her.

Fuck knows how. The shitty machine strikes again. Sun kicked one of the van's tires. Don't talk about my baby like that, Jade warned her. A fine mist settled over the ground as dusk fell. Roz yawned. Why are you always doing that? Sun asked. I'm tired. From what? Sleeping? Channeling the energies I do, it taxes my spirit. How about channeling us up a couple of tires? Allie looked over at Jade, who appeared to be deep in thought as they walked.

Is the country supposed to be this... quiet? Sun asked. Like we're the only ones that exist, Allie observed. Have you ever thought about that? Roz spoke up. Existing. I mean, right now, we can't see or hear anybody. Do they still exist, or is it only when we can see them that they exist? No, I can't say I have, Jade answered. Sun looked at Roz. You high? All four girls chuckled. That's when they saw it ahead of them down the road.

An old steel bridge large enough for two lanes of traffic, and nothing more. Beyond the bridge lay the town. They were a quarter of a way across the bridge when Jade noted how still the town looked. It was Halloween night. There should be some trick-or-treaters. A gust of wind blew across the bridge, bringing with it a sudden chill in the air. And something else. What is that smell? Sun said, pinching her nose shut.

Did somebody shit their pants? I think it's sewage, Allie said, making a face. Maybe there's a treatment plant or something around here. The road led to the main drag of town. On the right was a diner. A paper cut out of a witch was taped up in the window. A banner hung over it, proclaiming, Happy Halloween. Jade pulled open the diner's door. You guys wait here. No can do. I'm going in with you, Allie said.

Sun looked up and down the empty street. Shit, me too. The three girls entered the diner. Roz lingered alone for a second before following them. Inside, country music drifted through the uninhabited structure from somewhere behind the counter. Plates sat on tables, covered in half-eaten meals. For the briefest of seconds, Jade saw it. A figure standing in the semi-darkened kitchen. Hey! Jade called out, startling the girls and herself as she slid over the counter in pursuit.

Her bandmates called after her as she ran into the kitchen. The kitchen was empty, save for her and a grinning jack-o'-lantern decoration hanging on the far wall. What are you laughing at? Jade asked, frustrated. Jade, you better see this. Jade leaned over the counter. What? Allie pointed out the large front window where a group of people stood in a straight line on the street, their features hidden in the dark shadows of the night.

Oh. Oh shit. They stepped forward in unison. The one closest to the door peered into the diner, tilting its head as it studied them, its green eyes shown in the darkness. Oh fuck, Sun uttered. What is that? A really good Halloween costume? Allie queried. Through with its study, the once-human thing punched through the glass. The girls jumped back, shrieking. Back here! Back here! Jade screamed. The three joined her in the kitchen, quickly arming themselves with cooking implements.

The thing crunched broken glass under its foot as it stepped through the broken door. What do you want? Allie asked. We don't want any trouble. It turned towards them. Its mouth opened wide as it let out an unearthly bellow causing the nearby windows to vibrate and shatter. Okay, Jade said. Now we run. The band burst out of the diner onto a cluttered back alley. At the end of the alley stood more of the former townsfolk, forever watching them.

Sun hefted a cleaver. Let's fight these assholes. We don't know what they want, Roz said. They could be trying to communicate with us. They might be possessed by something. Maybe their body snatchers are some shit, Sun added. That guy in the diner didn't look so hot. What if they have some kind of virus? Ali offered. the townspeople started down the alley towards them. Jade was just about to begin the fight when she saw it.

A rusty fire escape ladder. Up there, she motioned to the others. I think it's our best bet. There was no disagreement from the others as they pulled down the ladder and made their way up as the strangers closed in. On the roof, the girls took a moment to rest. Think those fuckers can climb? Sun asked, spitting over the edge of the roof. Jade looked at the throng below. Think we can sneak out of here?

Well, we can't make it to the bridge. There's too many of them between here and there, Ali observed. Maybe we should call the cops, Roz said. Sun scoffed at the idea. and tell them what? A whole town has gone wacko? Roz shrugged. Worth a shot. Jade stepped forward. Do it. Allie, keep a watch on our friends. Sun pulled out her phone. She looked at Jade. What the hell do I tell them?

Jade pondered the question for a moment. I don't know. Tell them it's terrorists. Sun made a face. Terrorists took over the town? Yeah, basically, Jade answered. Sun punched 911 into her phone. She was answered with a shrill electronic shriek. Hang it up! Hang it up! Roz pleaded. Sun fumbled with the phone before finally turning it off. Guys? Allie said. They're stirring down there. I think they heard that. Realizing they had no other option, the four snuck down from the roof and advanced down Main Street.

Hugging the storefronts, they made it a few down when Sun stopped them in front of an auto shop. Look! she whispered enthusiastically, motioning inside. Two dirt bikes sat against one wall of the garage. We could totally jet out of here, Sun whispered. Easy breezy beautiful. What if they don't work? Allie said. They're in a garage. What if they do? Sun shot back. Jade thought for a moment. Okay, we'll go for it.

They entered through an unlocked office window, revealing the dingy garage. A man in overalls lay on the center of the oil-stained concrete floor. A strange green substance covered his upper torso. Think he's dead? Maybe he's taking a long break, Sun answered. As the girls examined the bikes, something fell in the far corner of the garage, causing the foursome to jump in fright. Duct tape rolled across the floor towards them. A boy stepped out of the shadows, dressed in a Dracula costume.

An overturned toolbox lay at his feet. Are you okay, kid? Jade asked. The child remained silent. Come here, kiddo, Ali beckoned him over. The boy stood, staring at them. Is that your dad? Sun asked, pointing to the man on the ground. Again, the child did not respond. Don't ask him that, Roz scolded. He could be traumatized. Screw this, Sun said, starting towards the boy. Come on, kid. She reached out towards the youth.

The boy let out a deafening howl. Sun struggled against the sonic barrage, unaware that the prone man sat up next to her. Sun screamed as the man took hold of her shoulders. As this was happening, the boy advanced towards the distracted sun. Jade wiped blood from her ears as her hearing started to return. The first thing she heard was Sun swearing. Hearing her friend in trouble, she grabbed a pipe wrench from the nearby table.

Charging by her two still-recovering friends, Jade swung the wrench, hitting the man in the side of the head as he tried forcing Sun to the ground. The blow landed with a wet crunch. The boy howled and lunged at Sun. His jaw expanded as green liquid dripped from his mouth. Sun kicked him away, sending him into the nearby tool bench. Sun stood and grabbed the wrench from Jade's hand. Motherfucking little shit, she grumbled as she swung at the boy.

She cracked him in the head, causing him to spin around and spew green mucus all over the concrete floor. He stumbled around like a drunk before dropping to the ground. Oh, fuck, Sun gasped. I just killed that kid. Jade put a hand on her friend's shoulder. It's okay. Sun looked down at the man's body. Is he? Think so. Jade responded. They turned to their friends who were recovering from the sonic attack.

You guys okay? Yeah, Roz answered. As Sun, Jade, and Roz moved the dirt bikes into position and gave them a quick check, Allie found a good view of the street from one of the windows. They definitely heard. We got strange assholes inbound, she reported back to them. Jade and Sun started the bikes up as Allie and Roz raised one of the garage doors. Jumping onto the backs of the bikes, the women roared out onto the streets as the townspeople closed in, trying to encircle the girls.

Jade kicked one as Roz belted one over the head with a frying pan she'd taken from the diner. Suddenly, more of them came from the surrounding buildings. There's too many! Allie roared over the bike's engine. Follow me! Sun said, pointing to a thinned-out area of the mob. She gunned her engine, plowing through a few of the horde, while Jade followed as Sun took off down a side street. Some of the people were running after them.

They're getting better, Jade said aloud. What? Allie asked. Those people, those things, they're getting better at being people. When they'd been watching from the diner roof, they'd stumbled about and had trouble with the ladder. Now, they were running. Were they learning? Jade shivered. Just what the hell was going on? Sun stopped her bike next to a heavily wooded area. Jade slowed her bike, pulling up next to her. Look, Sun motioned. A path.

Maybe it'll take us out of town to a road or something. Roz stared into the darkness of the woods. She shivered and rubbed her arms. Those woods. Ancient. Dark, Roz warned. Feels like a storm in my head. She put a hand to her temple. So much energy out there. Sun turned to Jade with a puzzled look. Are you okay? Jade asked. Roz nodded. I will be. I just have to do a simple inspection first.

She started to quietly chant. I hope this spell is fast, Sun said, looking around. Never know who'll show up. Quiet, Ali said. After a few minutes, Roz stopped chanting. She looked at her bandmates. It's fine now. We can enter. Jade shrugged. Sure, fine. Whatever. They entered the woods, leaving their rides behind. The path was too dark and uneven to use the bikes safely. As they walked, the shadowy trees loomed over them on either side.

The bare branches reached out for them from the dark, like the devil's trident. The wind gusted and that strange, rotting smell assaulted their noses again. After following the path a while, it opened up to a clearing. The cold fall air was still once more. From the other side of the clearing came a familiar sound. Is that? Jade asked. Allie listened for a moment before answering. It's Sting, she answered. Indeed it was.

They crossed the clearing, heading towards the source of the melancholic singing. The trailer home came into view. Christmas lights hung from the trees surrounding the home. Sun stopped them. Wait, it's a trap. I don't know, Allie replied. I don't think those things would listen to message in a bottle. All the same, we'll move forward cautiously, Jade said. Their stealthy approach was quickly ruined by the happy bark of a German shepherd. The dog, tail wagging, ran up to the foursome.

It barked again before trotting off to the trailer door to scrape on it with its paws. Goddammit, Clint! A man hollered from inside the trailer. I was taking a shit! The trailer door swung open, and an older man in a beat-up bathrobe stepped out, holding a shotgun. He saw the girls and swung the shotgun around, pointing it at them. Holy fucked-up jumping shit! Some fucking guard dog you are, Clint! Don't shoot, mister!

Jade raised her arms. The other girls followed suit. We're not monsters, Roz added. Put your hands down. The old man looked at the girls. Well, you can talk, and your faces aren't fucked up. He looked at the dog, who was licking Jade's hand. Clint likes you, so I guess you're not with them commie Martians in town. No, we're not, Sun grumbled. His eyes flicked from Sun to Jade, then Roz and Allie.

Who the fuck are you? The UN? Men? We're a band, Jade said, ignoring his comment. Our van broke down outside of town. What the fuck is going on around here? Sun blurted out. Let's go inside, the man said. We'll shoot the shit. Sounds good to me. I'm Jade. These are my friends, Ali, Sun, and Roz. He lowered the shotgun. I'm Gunnery Sergeant Dale Campbell, grumpy old bastard by trade. were you in the army?

Allie asked. I was a goddamn marine where the best there is. They followed him inside, Clint the dog happily tagging along. Inside the trailer was pretty much what Jade expected. A Marine Corps flag hung on one wall. On another was a gun rack. There were empty beer cans and whiskey bottles competing for space on the kitchen counter. Sitting next to a CD player on the coffee table was a signed picture of Linda Carter as Wonder Woman.

Cozy, Sun said, looking around. So, Mr. Campbell, you live out here? Jade asked. My dad was Mr. Campbell. Just call me Gunny, he said. Yeah, just me and Clint. You know about the town? Jade asked. Gunny went to the fridge and took out a beer. He held it out to jade interest you in a palantine jade hesitated don't worry i don't give a fuck if you're 21 or not sure she took the beer cracking it open he did likewise with the rest of the band each of them accepting soon they were sitting around the living room of the trailer listening as gunny told them how howard phillips had found a strange rock buried on his property one that turned out to be way larger than anyone could have guessed.

That was maybe a week ago, Gunny said, taking a last pull from his can. But my memory ain't what it used to be, so don't quote me on this shit. He shook the can. Empty. Another one bites the dust. He got up and went to the fridge. Clint followed after him. I only go into town every couple of weeks for supplies, but I hear shit. strange stuff started happening people disappearing others not leaving their houses he cracked the new beer open then today i went into town fucked up shit was going down people attacking other people puking green shit on them i got my ass back here decided to get fucked off my ass before the world ended gunny raised his newly opened beer here's to the end of the world Fuck that shit, Sun spoke up.

I have a sister, my mom and dad. If this shit gets out into the world, she shook her head. No fucking way. But what the hell can we do, Roz asked. You saw how many of those things there are. I don't think we can let those things leave town. They have to be stopped, Allie said before she turned to Jade. What do you think, boss? They'd been friends for as long as Jade could remember.

They'd started the band together after listening to some punk rock compilation Allie's father had. She never failed to have some advice when Jade needed guidance. We gotta fight them, Jade decided. But we could die, Roz muttered, for nothing. At least we would have tried, Jade said. I understand if you don't want to go. Stay here. If we succeed. We'll come get you. Roz looked down at the floor. I don't know. Jade gave her friend some space, turning her attention to Gunny.

How about you, old soldier? Gunny balanced an empty beer can on top of another one. Fuck. You asking me to go on some no-chance-to-succeed-suicide mission, little lady? Yeah, basically. Fuck it. Let's kill us some commie Martians. Gunny pulled on his old bomber jacket, the jacket he'd worn the night he met Margaret, his now ex-wife. For once, he was glad Margaret and his daughter Jenny lived on the other side of the country.

He opened the door to the bedroom and noticed Jade pacing. Hey kid, come here a sec. Yeah? Got something for you. On the wall behind the bed hung a katana. Jade's eyes lit up when she saw it. No shit. A katana? Really? For me? Gunny frowned. He looked down at the knife in his hands and then chucked it over his shoulder. Yep. All yours. He presented it to Jade. I got this when I was stationed in Japan after Nam.

Take good care of her. Damn, Sun complained. Why does she get an awesome sword? Don't worry, I got something for you. Gunny took a shotgun from the rack. He presented it to Sun. This here is an under-over shotgun. He slapped it open, loading it. Works just like a regular shotgun, but one barrel is over the other one. She's got quite a kick, He handed the loaded shotgun to Sun. Think you can handle it?

Sun looked at the gun in her hands. Yeah. Good. He handed her a box of shells. Just don't shoot me. He went over to the small kitchen table where Ali and Roz were making Molotov cocktails out of whiskey bottles. He sighed. A damn waste of fine whiskey. Jade was watching them prepare, a pensive look etched on her face. Gunny stood next to her. Ready for battle? I hope so, Jade replied. Got a plan?

Jade made a face. Kind of. Works for me. Gunny's truck roared down the dirt road, kicking up dirt as the Bee Gees blared from the truck's stereo. The girls held on for dear life in the back. Sun hollered over the noise. I can't believe the dog gets to ride in the cab! They were headed to town. According to Gunny, the bridge was the only way in and out, save for trekking through the woods.

If they could take out the bridge somehow, or block it, then they might stand a chance of stopping these things from spreading. If they hadn't already. If they could do that, Jade hoped they could lure the fuckers into a large area and finish them off with the Molotovs. That was a big if. The truck stormed out of the woods onto a quiet street. There was no sign of those things or another living person.

Get ready, Gunny hollered. We're headed for the bridge. Who knows what we'll run into? When they hit Main Street, there was still no sign of them. Gunny brought the truck to a stop within sight of the bridge. The girls tensed up, waiting for an attack to come. There was nothing. Maybe we're too late, Allie said after a few moments of silence. Everyone piled out of the truck, each of them feeling defeated.

Clint sniffed at the air, running around in a circle. So now what? Sun asked, anger in her voice. As if answering her, Clint started barking frantically before running off down the street. Son of a bitch! Gunny shouted. Get back here! I've got him. Jade took off after the dog, despite everyone's protests. Following Clint down Main Street, the katana held firmly. Jade was ready for trouble. The dog stopped in front of the town's theater, barking madly at the entrance.

What's in there, boy? The dog whined and barked excitedly. Jade tried the glass double doors of the theater. It was locked. She looked down at the dog. Stay here. Clint let out a low growl as Jade stepped into the theater. She shushed him. Stay here. Jade closed the door behind her. Immediately, she heard the low, deep hum reverberating through the building. That rotten smell was here as well. Stronger than before. She went to the auditorium, gently opening one of the double doors.

Jade peered inside. What she saw took the breath from her lungs. A ten-foot stone monolith stood in front of the stage. Green light shimmered around it. The auditorium was filled to the brim with the possessed town folk. they stood unmoving as if in reverence of the monolith the hum was emanating from there it became louder and louder becoming a deep pulse a pulse jade could feel in her body the motionless people began to stir they moved towards the monolith laying their hands upon it Jade's mind tried to comprehend what happened next.

The people's hands began to melt together. Then their bodies merged with the next closest person, engulfing them. Flesh joining with flesh. A membrane of merged bodies grew bigger and bigger, flowing around the colossal stone monolith. The door made a creaking noise as Jade leaned against it. One of the townspeople closest to her, a young woman in a cheerleader outfit, turned. Seeing Jade, it hissed and came at her. Lashing out, Jade cut the cheerleader's head off with the katana.

This alerted some of the others, who turned and charged towards Jade. Fuck! She slammed the door shut, trying to hold it as angry fists pounded on it from the other side. but the assault was too much and Jade fell backwards as the door burst open. Jade struck out with the katana, cutting down a teenaged boy dressed as a hockey-masked serial killer. It was no use. As she pulled the sword free of the dead boy, more of the possessed people closed in.

Jade took a deep breath. She vowed to herself she'd take as many with her as possible. As she raised up the katana, The double glass doors of the lobby behind her exploded as Gunny's truck rammed through them. Jade jumped for cover as wood and glass flew. Before she could recover, her ears still ringing, one of the nearest of the possessed people flew with a loud crack, their chest exploding in a red and green mess.

Holy shit, Sun howled. This thing does kick. Jade looked up to see her friend standing next to her with the shotgun. Gunny grinned at them from behind the wheel. Come on, let's get the fuck out of here. The building shook as the pulse grew louder. Fucking A right, Jade said, scrambling into the back where Ali, Roz, and Clint waited. Gunny backed up, swerving the truck around. The pulse from the monolith could be heard even over the roar of the engine.

Possessed townsfolk rushed from the theater towards the truck. Light them up, girls. Gunny hollered. The girls hurled the lit Moltovs hitting the oncoming horde and sending many of them up in flames. The ground started to rumble as the pulse grew louder. Let's get out of here, Jade said. As Gunny peeled out, Jade told the others what she'd seen and heard in the theater. Roz stopped her when she heard about the sounds.

I have an idea, she said. We have to get to the van, quickly. Suddenly, the whole earth seemed to shake as Jade stood, the bridge at her back. Something was coming. Jade gripped the microphone tight in her hand. Symbols written in her and her bandmate's blood adorned her face and arms. Roz sat cross-legged behind her, chanting. Jade took a deep breath as another building crumbled. the misshapen thing lumbered from the cloud of destruction a mass of limbs and bodies and melted flesh amassed around the stone monolith sun stood filming with her phone as the beast approached one two three four another one bites the dust jade said ready for battle whoa sun stopped her.

That song will get us taken down from YouTube for copyright. Okay, Jade said. One of ours then. Fuck you motherfuckers by disposable tampons. She felt the energy flow through her with each verse coming to her mind. Fuck you motherfucker! I hate everything about you! The blast of energy leapt from her. A sonic lance that pierced the damned beast, staggering it. Jade kept singing. Your hair sucks and your breath stinks! Another bolt of energy shot out of her and struck the beast, going through and out the other side.

Fuck you, motherfucker! Back your ass up quick! Fuck you, motherfucker! And you can suck my... Jade finished, dropping the mic to the ground. A third bolt shot out, hitting the monolith at the beast's center, causing it to fracture. Energy began bleeding out of the cracked edifice. The beast let out a pained screech before being consumed by the energy and exploding. The shockwave sent everyone sprawling to the ground. Jade lay on the street, drifting in and out of consciousness.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been there, but she could hear Allie's voice. Jade? Are you alright? I think so, she said, standing with some help from Allie. Is everybody okay? Pretty much, Sun answered. Roz stood next to her, petting Clint. Gunny stood leaning on his truck. They stared at the ghostly, decimated town in silence. A fine ash began to fall over the city. It's snowing on Halloween, Sun said, catching some of it in her hand.

That's the ashes of the burned townspeople, Allie informed them. Ew!