WEBVTT
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Three friends escape their soul crushing telemarketing jobs for a
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camping trip in Algonquin Park, But when screams tear through
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the night and their tent is shredded, one survivor discovers
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the forest isn't just alive, it's hunting, listening and ready
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to collect on an ancient debt. What's that You want
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to be scared? Come with me. You will experience tales
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over our roam, ghosts and death. It is not recommended
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for the week at art Listeners in the dark. It's
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more fun at that way way. This is Weekly Speaking. Hello,
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my spookies, It's Wednesday, and you know what that means.
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It's time for a little spooky in your weekly. I'm
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your host and narrator, Enrique Kuto, and tonight we're heading
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to the Great White North. Well maybe not that far north,
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but we're heading to Canada for a story about friends
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gathering in the woods, and well, as you guessed, it
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doesn't go exactly as planned. But before we get to
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all that, I want to say thank you all so
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much for joining us. It really means a lot to
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share my Halloween all year long with all you spookies.
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The true believers craving their scary and chilling tales in
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the middle of the summer. So if you're new here,
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make sure you subscribe on your podcast app, because we'll
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have something scary for you every single day of the week,
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and of course, on Wednesdays, a brand new scary story
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for you to enjoy. And if you want to show
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us even more support, just head to Weeklyspooky dot com
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slash join, where for as little as one dollar a
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month you get two bonus episodes every month and over
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five years of exclusive audiobooks and creepypasta readings. That's Weeklyspooky
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dot Com slash Join. But now, as for tonight, our
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tale begins with three exhausted friends, a peaceful campsite and
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the kind of dark Canadian forest that seems perfect for
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getting away from the world. No phones, no bosses, no
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rude customers hanging up in their ears, just cold beer,
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foggy woods, and the comfort of knowing trees are standing still.
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Except these trees aren't. Something out there has roots that
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drag through the dirt, branches that reach like claws, and
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a hunger that wakes up at the first sound of fear.
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So keep your voice low, watch where you step and
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remember sometimes the forest simply doesn't want any visitors. Branch
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Manager by Gary Dee up in Ontario, Canada. Some would
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say that its bark is much worse than its bite,
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but they'd be wrong, Oh so dead fucking wrong. Trust me,
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I should know. My name's Kenny. So pull up a chair,
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kick up your feet, relax, and let me take you
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on a disturbing little journey off the beaten path and
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deep into the belly of a dark and insidious forest.
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So I can tell you about the gnarly, crazy ass
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shit that once happened to me. About twenty five years ago,
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me and a couple of my buddies decided to go
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camping in a heavily wooded stretch of forest in Algonquin Park,
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located up here in Ontario, Canada, a place where you'll
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find nothing but tall trees, five pound mosquitoes, slightly larger wolves,
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big antlered moose, and then circling back around again, very
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dense forest for as far as the eye can see,
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the perfect place to escape to and get away from
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our shitty, high stress, big city jobs, or at least
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so we thought. Anyway. You see, Dave, Carl and I
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all work together in the same dumpy hole in the
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wall call center in the hustle and bustle of downtown Toronto.
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We were, to be quite honest, those annoying pain in
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the ass late night telemarketers that everyone loves to hate.
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We'd often start our telephone conversations all friendly like by saying, corny,
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stupid shit, you know, and how are you this fine evening,
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mister Walters, I hope you've had a wonderful day, or
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hello there, don't worry. I'm not a salesman and I
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won't be trying to sell you anything, but I really
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would appreciate it if you would give me just a
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few minutes of your time. Ninety five percent or so
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of the time, we'd hear an immediate click followed by
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a constant dial tone either that or maybe no thanks,
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followed quickly thereafter by the same damn click and dial tone.
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No respect at all, I tell you no respect. But
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to be honest, I do exactly the same thing whenever
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I get these stupid, annoying phone calls. The thing is,
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we're all just trying to make a buck. We do
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this crappy lay mass job simply to pay the rent,
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put food on the table and of course keep beer
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in our bellies. So there's that. So you see, given
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our pathetic day to day situation, and in order to
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stay sane, we just need to get away from it
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all every now and then to recharge, relax and regroup.
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And the copious amounts of beer that we ingest in
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the process, well that just helps us to refuel our
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depleted batteries. Now back to the story. Somehow we all
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managed to book off the same week at work. But
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then again, there is a rather large school of US
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sales schmucks swimming around in this telemarketer cesspool to choose
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from who all do our particular, highly annoying line of work.
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We prepped all our camping gear, including a spacious six
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man tent, sleeping bags, fishing rods, food, water and beer.
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This wasn't our first rodeo, so we knew exactly what
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essentials to bring. All that we really wanted and needed
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was to just have some time away from work, some
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fresh air, and the camaraderie of good buddies being able
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to just hang out. I picked up the boys in
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my badly rusted but fortunately still drivable Range Rover and
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we all headed out cranked up the tunes, made really
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good time, and managed to get the tent set up
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all well before it even started to get dark, stacked
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the logs in the fire pit, lit her up, unpacked
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the sandwiches and beer, and we were all set let
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the games begin. We all laid back in our brand new,
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super comfortable camping chairs that we just bought, stretched out
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our weary bones, and got ready to completely unwind. Finally,
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we shot the shit for a while about this and that,
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taking long swigs of our cold beer and occasionally clinking
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the bottles together to toast our good friendship and the
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beginning of our long awaited trip together. Dave started it
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off by saying, shit's about to get real. Boys, toss
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me another cold one and let's get this party started.
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Dave and I both immediately responded with cheers to that, brother.
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We all clink our bottles together and take a long
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drink from the well. Someone lets out an earth shattering
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belch and we all laugh. I chime in with great
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to be out here with you guys. I know work's
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been a bitch for all of us lately, so I
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we really needed this. Dave continues, I hear you, man,
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it's like people have suddenly gotten a lot ruder and
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crazier lately. One guy actually threatened to find out who
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I am and then hunt me down to punish me
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for bothering him late at night. Like come on, dude, Carl,
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not to be outdone, comes back with that's nothing I had.
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What I thought was just a sweet little old lady
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on the line who patiently listen to my whole spiel.
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But then at the very end, in her quiet, timid
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little old lady voice, told me to get a life,
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a real job, and to fuck the hell off. We
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all kill ourselves laughing at this story. I then add, hell,
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and that's probably somebody's dear old grandma who always make
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sure to give all her grandchildren a crisp five dollars
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bill inside their birthday cards. Everyone chuckles. Carl then says,
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in a proud voice, Now let's not forget who of
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us just got promoted to branch manager last week. No
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need for applause. Just keep feeding me compliments and beer
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in either order. We all laugh. Carl continues, Yeah, being
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branch manager is cool and all, but I'm going to
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go out on a limb here by saying I really
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prefer just hanging hanging out with you guys, that is.
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Dave and I applaud and whistle wildly as we all
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clink our bottles together again. At this point, it's pretty
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much pitch darkout and we can all feel that it's
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starting to cool off. A kind of hazy fog rolls
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in makes everything around the fire and our tent look
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all spooky and shit, so we throw on jackets and
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another log for the fire. Eventually we all find ourselves
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just staring blankly and mindlessly into the flames of the
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crackling fire, completely oblivious to the world and just happy
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to finally be free of all our daily stress and responsibility.
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Carl hits the sack first, justifying it by explaining how
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he's been sleeping like crap lately, and shortly thereafter Dave
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follows suit. I decide to stay by the fire, partly
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because of the extra large coffee I sucked back during
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the drive up here, and partly because I wanted to
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mull over some pressing issues that were gnawing away at
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my mind. This rather sinister forest that we were all
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now sitting in sinister because of the bizarre, long stretch
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of random dead animals aka roadkill, that we saw all
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along the roadside. Ever since, entering these woods was starting
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to give me the creeps. Not only were there the
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usual smushed raccoons, skunks, and squirrels, but surprisingly we also
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came across a few dead deer, a fox or two,
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and a full grown moose. I suddenly hear a rustling
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of leaves and what sounds like tree branches breaking underfoot,
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followed by a kind of dragging sound. Weird, Yeah, but hell,
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We're sitting deep in a wild forest, so many of
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its critters are bound to come out late at night
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to hunt in forage. Probably just a deer or maybe
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a fox or raccoon. I figure nothing to get my
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panties in a twist about, or to start screaming hysterically
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like some excited schoolgirl. Nah, don't think that would go
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over too well with Dave or Carl. After about an hour,
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I finally head into the tent. Dave's loud snoring doesn't
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really bother me, so I fall asleep right away and
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then quickly enter the subconscious. Horrors of my regular nighttime
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routine are for the course. Unfortunately, at some point during
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the night, I remember waking up, unzipping the tent and
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heading off to take a whiz outside of our campsites perimeter.
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We all agreed long ago never to piss, shit, or
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vomit anywhere even remotely close to where we all eat,
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drink and sleep. Common sense, really, And while I'm in
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the middle of doing my thing, relieving the pressure on
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my fully engorged and now painfully throbbing, excessively beer filled bladder,
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I hear it the terrified voices of both kral And
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screaming at the top of their lungs, as if they'd
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just seen their latest paycheck, or worse yet, walked in
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on their grandparents in the middle of the act of
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doing it. I hurry the hell up and head straight
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back over to the tent to see what's going on.
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What the fuck? I blurred out as I arrive. I
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immediately see that the tent has been completely demolished, torn apart, shredded,
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and scattered all over like yesterday's raccoon ravish trash. I
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call out, Dave Carl, are you guys all right? What
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the hell happened? No answer again, guys, this isn't funny.
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Where the fuck are you? Nothing? Now, I'm starting to
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freak out. Given the degree of devastation to our tent,
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I'm now thinking that maybe a hungry black bear could
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have mosied on in looking for a bite to eat.
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The guys probably woke up to the sound of it
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growling and rummaging through our stuff, and then got the
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hell out of dodge. The weird thing is I could
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see these wide, jagged scratch marks, like about a foot deep,
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running all along the forest floor, right through our campsite. Like,
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what the actual fuck did this bear arrive in a
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monster truck and then just shred the whole area with
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its wide, heavy treaded tires. I go back to screaming, Dave, Carl,
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where are you? Call out if you can hear me.
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Once again no reply. Then I decide to follow the
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deep scrape marks out of the campsite and down towards
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the river. After walking about a quarter mile, I suddenly
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hear Dave in Carl's whimpers of pain. Then all at
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once I see them, fully expecting to see the two
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of them being savagely mauled by a giant bear. My
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eyes widen and my mouth drops when I see exactly
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what's really going on there. Elevated about twenty feet or
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so above the forest floor. I see them hanging upside
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down and inside a kind of huge tree branch cage,
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with long, spindly branches seemingly intertwined tightly all around them,
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like some gargantuan sized tree spider had tediously wrapped them
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up in its woodsy silk. I call out, what the
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fuck's going on? Why the fuck are you guys up there?
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They suddenly realize that I'm there and both glare at
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me with these wild, crazy eyes, looking just like those
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fancy Asian designer goldfish with the huge, bulging googly eyes
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that you see in a pet store, and then both
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scream back at me at the same time. Run, And
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just before I start to, Carl yells back in a frenzied,
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shaky voice, hang on, wait, actually, don't move, stay absolutely
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fucking still. I think this thing feeds off of sound
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or vibration because it attack Day first, probably because he
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was snoring like a fucking chainsaw. And just as this
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last word left Carl's lips, several tree branches or actually
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they may have been tree roots, suddenly came shooting toward
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him from every direction. As they coiled tightly around them
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and began to pierce both Carl and Dave's bodies. Their
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horrific screams and cries of agony and pain filled my ears.
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I figured it must have heard the sound or vibration
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of him yelling over to me, and then immediately zeroed
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in on him and attacked. I could barely watch as
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branches and roots violently penetrated every available orifice, and then
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soon thereafter, the screen came to an abrupt stop. All
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I could see was a massive cluster of constantly twisting
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and writhing, long, skinny wooden appendages, viciously stabbing, thrusting and pulsating.
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And worst of all, there was that god awful dripping,
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or rather more like profuse hemorrhaging, of a seemingly continuous
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and almost honey like flow of crimson red blood cloths.
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I was frozen in fear, instinctively wanting like crazy to
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just run the hell out of there and not look back,
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but at the same time, thinking about what Karl had
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just said and what I had just witnessed, I decided
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to stand absolutely still and not move a single muscle.
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I could clearly see its frustration based on the frantic
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movement of both its gyrating branches and roots, as they
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almost seemed to dance about and sniff the air. Desperately
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trying to figure out where the hell I was. I
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picked up a small but heavy chunk of wood that
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was lying near me and threw it with all my
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might in the opposite direction of where I planned to
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make my as quiet as possible escape. I then saw
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dozens of agitated tree roots stick their heads up, or
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what I imagine their version of heads would look like. Anyway,
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A considerably larger tree branch suddenly shot straight up, and
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I immediately let out a muffled, combined scream of disgust, horror,
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and sadness all at the same time when I realized
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what I was looking at. It was Carl's severed head,
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which had been skewered clean through and was just kind
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of dangling there, slowly, swaying from side to side from
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the end of a tree branch, resembling a meat and
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bone covered pendulum like you'd see swinging back and forth
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at the base of a grandfather clock. And the pierres
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de resistance were all the small bloody twigs protruding out
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of his neck, mouth, nose, and eye sockets. The bright
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red blood dripped sporadically but continuously, like some defective thrift
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shop shower head. Suddenly Carl went from just being our
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buddy the new branch manager, to becoming a bloody skeward
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and swinging from a branch manager. He really had a
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head for it. But this dark and twisted forest that
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we'd all naively entered for some badly needed rest and
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relaxation had taken out two of my best friends and
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had now set its sights on me. I watched as
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this giant, scraggly leafless tree twisted and contorted and turned
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its mighty branches in every direction, almost appearing to be
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noisily crawling along the forest floor, laboriously dragging its heavy
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burden of a spindly jagged network of twisted roots, long
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and thereby carving deep, scraped out trenches into the hard
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soil below. As it moved away from me, loudly cracking
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and crunching its countless articulated branches and roots. I immediately
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and very stealthily headed off in the opposite direction, making
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damn sure not to step on any twigs, leaves, or
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anything else that could potentially make a noise or loud sound,
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And after having finally distanced myself far enough from this towering,
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demonic landlord of sap and leaves, I then began sprinting
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towards the entrance of the park, some two miles away,
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where I knew i'd find the park ranger sitting in
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the main office of the welcome see. Once having reached
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the top of a very high ridge which overlooked the
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entire expanse of the valley and the forest from which
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I just fled, I looked down and my mouth immediately
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dropped open. There in the valley below crawled dozens of
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large trees, all moving together like a frenzied herd of
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gargantuan bark covered alien cattle, violently swaying and jerking their
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canopies of colossal leaf covered branches all about, and slowly
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dragging their massive exposed root clusters along the surface. I
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pulled out my trusty tiny pair of binoculars, quickly adjusted
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the focus, and then practically shit my pants at what
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I saw there. Tangled within and in amongst the countless
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thousands of tree branches was from what I could best
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make out, a grisly collection of various human body parts,
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random bloody arms, legs, torsos, spinal cords, severed heads, clumps
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of glistening intestines and other bodily organs, and much much more.
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And also intertwined amidst this giant jumble of gyrating crimson
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red branches were various pieces of blood soaked clothing, backpacks,
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tent fabric, mountain bikes, camping chairs, and many many shoes.
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Some were empty, but others still contained their owners severed feet.
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The entire valley was filled and alive with a writhing,
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refusing to become furniture forest, comprised of slowly stampeding crimson
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covered hemorrhaging hemlocks, bleeder cedar, bloody birch, and of course,
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maroon colored coagulated clot maple. When I finally reached the
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main entrance to the park and barged through the welcome
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center doors, I was surprised to see not only the
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park ranger, but also two police officers anxiously pacing around,
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and before I could even say a single word about
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what had just happened to me, the two policemen started
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showing me photographs and riddling me with question asking whether
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I'd seen or crossed paths with any of the numerous
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allegedly missing campers. They had received phone calls from countless spouses,
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family members, friends, and places of work, all inquiring about
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the whereabouts of the roughly one hundred and twenty seven
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individuals who'd been declared officially missing so far, and who'd
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not been seen nor heard from going back as far
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as eight weeks. Alas, after many a millennia of mankind
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chopping down the countless billions, if not trillions, of trees
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and clear cutting much of our planet's majestic forests, the
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tide had finally turned. In an ironic twist of fate.
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It was now the mighty trees and all of its
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brethren within the forest's turn to start cutting down the
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ranks of a greedy, toxic, and overpopulated human species. Last,
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but not least, I leave you with this one question.
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If a tree crawls in the forest, does Kenny run
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in fear? And that was branch Manager by Gary Dee
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up in Ontario, Canada. So next time your boss tells
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you they're promoting someone to branch manager, maybe ask a
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few follow up questions like is it a corner office,
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a pay bump? Does it have a nice new title
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or is it more of a rooted in place, screaming
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in the woods twigs where twigs shouldn't go kind of situation,
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because after tonight, I don't think any of us are
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going to hear branches scraping against the window quite the same. Ever, again,
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thank you Spooky so much for joining me here tonight.
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00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:12.880
I had a great time sharing something scary with all
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of you. Remember there's something spooky every single day of
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00:30:16.920 --> 00:30:20.680
the week right here at Weekly Spooky. So make sure
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you subscribe on your favorite podcasting app, and while you're
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at it, leave us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts,
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Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. It really does help.
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And if you want to help us in an even
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more direct way, you can head to Weeklyspooky dot com
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slash join, where for as little as one dollar a month,
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you get two bonus episodes every single month, as well
360
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as my undying gratitude. And of course I want to
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say an extra special thank you to our Patreon podcast boosters,
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folks who pay just a little bit more to hear
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their names at the end of the show, and they
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are Johnny Nix, Kate and Lulu Jessica Fuller, Mike Skewey,
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Jenny Green, Karen we Met, Jack Kerr and Craig Cohen.
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Thank you guys so much, and if you want to
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hear your name at the end of the program, just
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head to Weeklyspooky dot com slash join and sign up
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at the fifteen dollars a month or higher tier. Time
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00:31:10.119 --> 00:31:12.079
for me to get back to work, because tomorrow we
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00:31:12.119 --> 00:31:16.599
have a Thursday Thrills all about urban legend goodness, so
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00:31:16.680 --> 00:31:20.160
don't miss it. For myself, for my executive producers Rob
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00:31:20.240 --> 00:31:23.960
Fields and Bobbletopia dot Com, my producer Dan Wilder, and
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00:31:23.960 --> 00:31:27.519
of course my creepy composer Ray Mattis. I'll see you
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all tomorrow right here. Until then, just mind the tree
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branches as best you can. Thank you for listening me.
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Make sure to find your way back next week week.
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But for now you are safe, trust me.
