May 2, 2026

Aliens, Time Rips, Cult Books, and Multiverse Terror: 4 Cosmic Horror Stories of Apocalypse and Weird Chaos

Aliens, Time Rips, Cult Books, and Multiverse Terror: 4 Cosmic Horror Stories of Apocalypse and Weird Chaos
Apple Podcasts podcast player badge
Spotify podcast player badge
Spreaker podcast player badge
Audible podcast player badge
Castro podcast player badge
RSS Feed podcast player badge
Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconSpreaker podcast player iconAudible podcast player iconCastro podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon

Cosmic horror, alien invasion nightmares, interdimensional warfare, occult terror, time-travel chaos, and apocalypse-driven weird fiction crash together in this wildly twisted Weekly Spooky compilation. If you love reality-breaking horror stories, ancient evil, multiverse destruction, cult books, and strange creatures from beyond human understanding, this collection delivers a full dose of bizarre, blood-soaked nightmare fuel.

Tonight’s lineup moves from a New Year’s Eve time-rip disaster into a funeral where killer clowns play by rules all their own, then into a last-ditch battle to stop multiversal annihilation, and finally down a rain-slick spiral of crime, occult corruption, and a monster born from something that should have stayed buried. This one leans hard into weird horror: the kind where reality starts slipping, the rules stop making sense, and survival suddenly feels like a temporary condition.

• Saint Jimmy — by Dan WilderA freak sound-based time-rip sends Jimmy hurtling through alternate timelines, self-inflicted paradoxes, and one gloriously deranged Y2K nightmare ruled by a leather-clad tyrant and his skeletal minions. It’s funny, chaotic, weird as hell, and loaded with sci-fi panic and end-of-the-world absurdity.
• The Fun in Funerals — by David O’HanlonA dead clown’s funeral becomes a grotesque midnight hunt when the mourners must satisfy an ancient code or face the return of something far worse than death. This one is savage, darkly funny, and drenched in monstrous carnival energy.
• Last Stand — by Rob FieldsWith Hellweaver closing in on the Infinity Core and the Reality Sphere in her grasp, the last heroes of the Battleguard gather for a doomed, universe-saving final battle. This is pure multiverse sci-fi horror spectacle with cosmic stakes and relentless devastation.
• The Last Days of Jimmy Flavor — by David O’HanlonA drifting burnout reinvents himself as “Jimmy Flavor” and gets pulled into a Vatican-backed theft, an occult conspiracy, and a nightmare pursuit involving ancient books, cult magic, and a gut-churning creature that refuses to stop hunting. Mean, strange, and desperate in all the right ways.

From torn-open timelines to infernal artifacts, undead clown law, and the collapse of whole realities, this compilation is all about staring into the impossible and realizing it is staring right back.

🎧 LISTEN NOW and subscribe for spine-tingling horror stories every week!

🎉 Unlock exclusive bonus episodes and support the show on Patreon!
👉 WeeklySpooky.com/Join

📬 Contact Us / Submit Your Horror Story!


🎵 Music by Ray Mattis 👉 Check out Ray’s incredible work here !
👨‍💼 Executive Producers: Rob Fields, Bobbletopia.com
🎥 Produced by: Daniel Wilder
🌐 Explore more terrifying tales at: WeeklySpooky.com
WEBVTT

1
00:00:03.560 --> 00:00:08.679
Well, hello, my Spookyes, tonight we're stepping away from the

2
00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:13.599
safe little rules of ordinary life and into the kind

3
00:00:13.640 --> 00:00:19.320
of horror where time tears open, the sky is wrong,

4
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:24.879
and the universe starts making threats. It fully intends on

5
00:00:25.120 --> 00:00:29.480
keeping somewhere ahead of us. A bad idea and a

6
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:34.799
burst of music punch a hole clean through reality. Somewhere else,

7
00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:41.320
mourners in grease paint gather beneath funeral lights, laughing very hard,

8
00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:47.320
while midnight creeps closer. Beyond that waits a battlefield at

9
00:00:47.359 --> 00:00:51.880
the edge of everything, where worlds live or die on

10
00:00:51.960 --> 00:00:56.679
the strength of one final stand. And before the night

11
00:00:56.799 --> 00:01:01.079
is through an old book, an older e and one

12
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:06.599
very unlucky fool will discover that some roads do not

13
00:01:07.319 --> 00:01:11.840
lead out of trouble. They lead straight into the mouth

14
00:01:11.879 --> 00:01:15.599
of it. So settle in, keep one eye on the

15
00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:20.000
stars and the other on the shadows, and make sure

16
00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:25.319
you're subscribed on your favorite podcast app, because every single Wednesday,

17
00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:29.319
we have a brand new scary story rise from the

18
00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:37.879
grave right here on Weekly Spooky. Now, let's begin the fun.

19
00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:52.280
Saint Jimmy by Dan Wilder. When I was sixteen, I

20
00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:56.959
discovered a shocking truth that changed the course of my

21
00:01:57.239 --> 00:02:03.040
entire life dramatic enough. Four, Well, what comes next will

22
00:02:03.079 --> 00:02:07.120
either have you ignoring me as a crackpot or and

23
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:13.000
this is what I hope heeding my words. So what

24
00:02:13.080 --> 00:02:18.000
am I talking about? Time travel? Of course, it went

25
00:02:18.159 --> 00:02:22.800
a little something like this. It was summer, and my

26
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:27.280
cousin Philip, and I were sitting pullside, listening to tunes

27
00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:31.400
and having a chill time until someone didn't like whatever

28
00:02:31.800 --> 00:02:36.400
hair metal masterpiece we were playing and decided to counterattack

29
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:41.439
with their own radio a few houses away. I looked up,

30
00:02:41.479 --> 00:02:45.840
and at that moment, as the sonic waves collided, I

31
00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:53.039
saw it a shimmer, a slight disturbance, as if in

32
00:02:53.080 --> 00:02:58.719
a trance. I walked over to the phenomena. Upon further examination,

33
00:02:59.080 --> 00:03:03.960
it looked like a a hazy tear in the afternoon air,

34
00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:09.520
and being both young and naive, I did what anyone

35
00:03:09.560 --> 00:03:15.120
would have realized was a monumentally shitty idea. I shoved

36
00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:19.240
my hand in there. I could feel something in my grasp,

37
00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:28.439
something soft, something artificial. I pulled out an inflatable beach

38
00:03:28.520 --> 00:03:34.159
ball adorned with a large Ghostbuster's logo, before the portal

39
00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:38.159
snapped shut as my cousin, who had now seen me

40
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:44.080
standing a distance away, clicked off the radio. Hey, numb nuts,

41
00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:47.719
what are you doing over there? I couldn't really say,

42
00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:52.919
it made no sense, and the words failed me, so

43
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:56.159
I just held up the ball and showed my cousin

44
00:03:56.240 --> 00:04:00.479
with a look of bewilderment on my face. As he

45
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:06.240
sauntered over to me, he offered his usual wisdom, Are

46
00:04:06.280 --> 00:04:08.639
you just gonna play with your balls all day? Or

47
00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:12.719
are we going backpool side? I held the ball forth

48
00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:17.560
like a talisman. That's when my cousin snatched the orb

49
00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:25.000
and he went from grinning to shock that ball It

50
00:04:25.360 --> 00:04:29.480
can't be. His confusion did little to bring me out

51
00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:33.519
of my stupor. Let me see that. He grabbed the

52
00:04:33.560 --> 00:04:39.480
ball and examined it like a jeweler inspecting a rare stone.

53
00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:45.759
I gave this ball to my friend Jeff, Remember Jeff, Yeah,

54
00:04:45.959 --> 00:04:49.319
I managed. I gave this to him the summer of

55
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:54.800
eighty five, before he moved away, right where we're standing,

56
00:04:56.680 --> 00:05:02.399
before he yeah, before he died. You're sure this is

57
00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:07.240
the same ball? Philip rotated it, and sure enough, there

58
00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:12.600
it was. Jeff. We'll be friends forever, even if your

59
00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:17.959
dumb ass has to move inscribed in silver sharpie on

60
00:05:18.040 --> 00:05:23.439
the black vinyl. That was four years ago. But look,

61
00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:28.399
Philip ran his fingers over the metallic ink, causing it

62
00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:34.199
to smear. The writing is still fresh. I explained where

63
00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:38.680
the ball had come from with a deep sigh, ready

64
00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.079
for Philip to let me have it. For being both

65
00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:45.959
a liar and some sort of smart ass show me.

66
00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:52.240
He said, Oh okay, I said, before realizing I had

67
00:05:52.600 --> 00:05:59.399
zero fucking clue how to go about that. In Philip's defense,

68
00:05:59.639 --> 00:06:04.079
he immediately believed me, and for the next decade he

69
00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:09.399
was patient. After I tried every experiment to recreate the incident,

70
00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:13.839
the first thing I discovered was both the importance of

71
00:06:13.879 --> 00:06:18.720
the music's tone and the exact distance between the conflicting

72
00:06:18.839 --> 00:06:23.480
tones that would result in a time rip. Honestly, it

73
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:28.920
wasn't complicated, didn't require any math or some fancy Victorian

74
00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:34.439
fuck chair or fancy car. It was all sound, and

75
00:06:34.519 --> 00:06:37.519
the ease of its use revealed why people had never

76
00:06:37.600 --> 00:06:41.560
figured out its secret. You can always count on a

77
00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:47.519
smart motherfucker to overcomplicate things, though, to be fair, exact

78
00:06:47.560 --> 00:06:54.040
precision placement is key. Oh and I can just feel

79
00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:58.879
when the vibration is about right in my inner ear. Anyhow,

80
00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:02.480
we could pull all sorts of shit out of there,

81
00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:06.000
and it changed depending on where we opened up the void,

82
00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:12.319
missing keys, mismatched socks, birthday cards. It was that last

83
00:07:12.360 --> 00:07:20.000
one that became important. My parents died about five years

84
00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:23.879
into this whole affair, and when I pulled that fucking

85
00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:28.480
card out, every bit of sorrow and loss washed over

86
00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:33.800
me in waves that became short lived. When Philip interjected,

87
00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:39.199
we should try and contact them. It seemed so right

88
00:07:39.959 --> 00:07:43.519
I'd be able to hear them one more time, Tell

89
00:07:43.560 --> 00:07:48.720
them I love them one more time. A few diagrams,

90
00:07:48.759 --> 00:07:52.399
a little experimenting, and an extra phone, and we were

91
00:07:52.439 --> 00:07:56.040
off to the races. Finally, I thought I had it.

92
00:07:56.879 --> 00:07:59.959
Two phones, in this case, we were using the club

93
00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:03.959
classic Garfield model and one of those see through numbers

94
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.040
like the one in the Guns N' Roses patience video.

95
00:08:08.160 --> 00:08:11.959
I dialed the number nervously, a number I had called

96
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:20.759
one hundred times. It rang and rang and rang. Maybe

97
00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:25.680
it won't work this way phones, and all suddenly someone

98
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:32.320
picked up on the other end. Hello. It was unmistakably

99
00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:40.519
my mother's voice. The tears started and didn't stop. I

100
00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:46.399
miss you and Dad, Jimmy, Yeah, it's me, It's me.

101
00:08:47.679 --> 00:08:57.600
Static buzzed, Jimmy, Jimmy. The line went dead. That fucking

102
00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:02.360
sealed the deal, that's for sure. If I could hear them,

103
00:09:03.159 --> 00:09:07.279
I knew I could see them again. Just a few

104
00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:19.240
more tweaks, make that hole a little bigger. We had

105
00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:21.960
set up shop at the school across from where my

106
00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:25.639
parents had lived, a house that had been boarded up

107
00:09:25.679 --> 00:09:29.159
for years as I just couldn't bear to sell it,

108
00:09:29.799 --> 00:09:33.440
but I sure as shit couldn't live there. Due to

109
00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:37.039
it being Christmas break, it was a real ghost town.

110
00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:39.519
And as soon as we picked the lock on the

111
00:09:39.559 --> 00:09:44.159
cafeteria service door and slipped inside, we set up our

112
00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:49.159
amplifiers and boom boxes and got down to fucking brass tacks.

113
00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:53.840
Philip had managed to score a camcorder and shit from

114
00:09:53.840 --> 00:09:57.960
the electronics store he worked at, and as he calibrated

115
00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:01.159
it or jammed a tear tape inside it or some

116
00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:04.360
such shit, I got to work on how to make

117
00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:09.480
that hole bigger. As before the exact tones were what

118
00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:14.200
were key, and soon, with guitars screaming and drums pounding,

119
00:10:14.840 --> 00:10:20.320
I got those signals to match and boom a bigger hole.

120
00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:27.080
I swallowed hard wish me luck. I grabbed the camcorder

121
00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:33.600
and walked towards the sparkling gash in the universe. Good luck, dumbass.

122
00:10:34.519 --> 00:10:39.879
I stepped in and my head exploded with light and sound.

123
00:10:41.639 --> 00:10:47.320
When my senses returned, I realized where I was, exactly

124
00:10:47.559 --> 00:10:52.360
where I had stepped in, But no amps, no fillip,

125
00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:57.159
just an angry, glowing hole and a calendar on the

126
00:10:57.200 --> 00:11:02.360
wall that read nineteen eighty nine instead of nineteen ninety

127
00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:07.759
nine as it should. The school was equally abandoned, and

128
00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:11.799
I soon exited and entered the parking lot. Snow was

129
00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:15.639
beginning to fall in large flakes as I trudged across

130
00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.759
the street to my parents' house under a full moon.

131
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:25.399
No lights on Dad's truck, not in the driveway. Great,

132
00:11:26.120 --> 00:11:30.399
I picked the rare night they actually went somewhere. I

133
00:11:30.480 --> 00:11:33.320
made my way up the driveway and unlocked the front

134
00:11:33.320 --> 00:11:36.279
door with the key I still kept on my keychain.

135
00:11:37.440 --> 00:11:40.399
I entered the house, and even in the dark, I

136
00:11:40.440 --> 00:11:43.080
could tell that it looked exactly as it had a

137
00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:48.519
decade ago. It even smelled the same, like warm coffee

138
00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:53.200
and smokes, which you wouldn't think would be nostalgic, but

139
00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:59.960
totally was lights flashed outside as a car drove up

140
00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:05.320
the driveway. Definitely not Dad. He was a back into

141
00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:10.759
the driveway, parking zelot. It then hit me, what would

142
00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:13.720
a ten years older version of myself be doing in

143
00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:20.360
my parents' house. That may be hard to explain. Maybe

144
00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:23.960
I don't look that different. Maybe I can just pretend

145
00:12:23.960 --> 00:12:32.000
to be me. I hid in the seldom used downstairs

146
00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:36.120
closet and peeked out of the slightly ajar door to

147
00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:40.440
get a sense of who was coming home. The headlights

148
00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:44.080
retreated as the door opened, and the kitchen light switch

149
00:12:44.799 --> 00:12:51.559
was turned on. And there I was. Fuck nineteen eighty

150
00:12:51.639 --> 00:12:56.960
nine Me looked young. Nineteen ninety nine. Me was already

151
00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:03.320
overly tired even in my mid twenty Oh crap, I

152
00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:07.559
remember this night. I just got back from National Lampoon's

153
00:13:07.639 --> 00:13:13.480
Christmas vacation. Yep, there's the popcorn bucket. I'm still eating

154
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:18.440
from butter soaked kernels with sour sweet spree candy mixed in,

155
00:13:19.559 --> 00:13:24.200
going into my open gob with wild abandon. Be careful,

156
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:27.440
my dude, that shit is already catching up with me.

157
00:13:28.480 --> 00:13:33.039
Philip's older sister drove us not important, but definitely part

158
00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:37.600
of the fond memory slash dopamine hit mixed with deja vus.

159
00:13:38.840 --> 00:13:41.799
For me, at least, that sets the tone for this

160
00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:46.519
whole sordid shebang. Did I mention that the closet was

161
00:13:46.679 --> 00:13:50.639
just off the kitchen, Well it was, and I gasped

162
00:13:50.679 --> 00:13:54.159
as I opened the fridge just inches away from where

163
00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:57.799
I was hiding and poured myself a large glass of

164
00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:02.919
unsweetened iced tea, then sauntered off to play some Nintendo

165
00:14:03.159 --> 00:14:08.919
and masturbate a classic late eighties Jimmy Knight. I remained

166
00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:14.200
in the closet, dizzy from the re experience waves of nausea,

167
00:14:14.240 --> 00:14:18.360
swaying to and fro Okay, maybe I should have thought

168
00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:20.360
out a little more what I would do when I

169
00:14:20.440 --> 00:14:24.200
got here, but it's too late to deal with that now,

170
00:14:25.080 --> 00:14:28.919
which seems ironic given what we're dealing with here. I

171
00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:32.080
needed to get back to the school and think things over.

172
00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:38.919
Should be easy, peasy, given that I'm currently distracted upstairs.

173
00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:43.679
I exited the closet with Ninja level stealth, which means

174
00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:46.720
I only knocked a minimum amount of shit everywhere as

175
00:14:46.759 --> 00:14:51.480
I awkwardly stumbled out, only to see the familiar red

176
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:56.480
lights of my dad backing up the driveway. This was

177
00:14:56.519 --> 00:15:01.320
supposed to be sweet and emotional. Now it's an exercise

178
00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:09.919
in terror. Wait, I got it. My parents stepped into

179
00:15:09.960 --> 00:15:16.720
the kitchen and I hugged them tightly. My ruse was flawless. Upstairs,

180
00:15:16.759 --> 00:15:19.879
Me couldn't care less that his parents were home, so

181
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:22.639
he was set. And I had pulled the hood of

182
00:15:22.639 --> 00:15:26.279
my sweatshirt over my head so as to disguise the

183
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:29.879
fact I had a completely different haircut and had put

184
00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:35.080
on a solid fifteen pounds since they left earlier. My dad,

185
00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:39.120
whom I'd never hugged a day in my life, seemed shocked,

186
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:44.320
but my mother seemed to enjoy the sudden affectionate outburst.

187
00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:49.320
Only the phone ringing brought the picture perfect moment to

188
00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:53.679
an end, and of course it was my dumb ass

189
00:15:53.759 --> 00:16:04.279
on the other end, calling from the future. Well you've

190
00:16:04.360 --> 00:16:07.960
already heard the call, but now my parents turned to

191
00:16:08.039 --> 00:16:13.440
look at me strangely. Who was that? I asked sheepishly.

192
00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:21.360
It sounded like you, my mother responded, Confused as fuck.

193
00:16:22.639 --> 00:16:25.399
I broke out into a bit of the old unconvincing

194
00:16:25.519 --> 00:16:30.519
laughter and offered that damn Philip, his pranks never end.

195
00:16:31.480 --> 00:16:34.200
I shot glances to my parents to see if they

196
00:16:34.279 --> 00:16:39.519
bought that one. Confusion continued to rule the room. Well,

197
00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:45.240
I better head out. Where are you going? An innocent question,

198
00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:50.639
but really really not needed. At the moment, before I

199
00:16:50.679 --> 00:16:54.679
could answer my mother, I heard the floorboards creak above

200
00:16:54.720 --> 00:17:00.639
the kitchen, right where my room was located. What the

201
00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:03.600
hell was I going to do? Now? If I walked

202
00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:06.519
down those stairs and popped into the kitchen to find

203
00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:10.640
me talking to my parents, shit would decidedly head south

204
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:16.759
quicker than it already was. And as if on que

205
00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:22.319
down I came to say I panicked would be an understatement.

206
00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:26.680
My dad turned and saw me entering the kitchen where

207
00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:33.920
I was currently standing. Brains were starting to break, mostly mine,

208
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:38.079
So I did the only thing I could. I ran

209
00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:40.960
up to myself and planted a huge kiss on my

210
00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:46.839
own lips. Look, we all react to stress differently. Also,

211
00:17:47.079 --> 00:17:54.119
this was an incredibly sucky decision. Our lips collided, and

212
00:17:54.240 --> 00:17:59.440
time and space unraveled around me, both of me technically

213
00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:04.680
and as each bizarre iteration of reality danced past my eyes,

214
00:18:05.559 --> 00:18:11.359
I mercifully lost consciousness. As a large animal roar sounded

215
00:18:11.480 --> 00:18:18.480
far in the distance. I woke up at the school.

216
00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:22.160
Philip was frantically trying to drag me out of there.

217
00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:29.160
Everything was hazy until we arrived at Philip's apartment. Anyway,

218
00:18:29.880 --> 00:18:33.039
a cup of coffee in hand, we began to fill

219
00:18:33.079 --> 00:18:37.559
each other in as best we could. How long was

220
00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:42.440
I gone? A week? A whole fucking week. I kept

221
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:45.319
going back to check for you, but there was no

222
00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:50.559
sign until to day. What day is it? New Year's Eve?

223
00:18:51.359 --> 00:18:55.640
Not that that's important. Tell me what went on? Did

224
00:18:55.680 --> 00:19:02.240
you see them your parents? I sure did? Details well.

225
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:07.279
I hid in a closet, hugged my parents and kissed

226
00:19:07.319 --> 00:19:13.319
myself on the lips. That's great. Wait what I confronted

227
00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:16.720
myself and it was all I could think to do.

228
00:19:17.720 --> 00:19:22.279
That's all you could think to do? Yeah, it was

229
00:19:22.359 --> 00:19:29.279
a stressful day. So how were you? How was I? Yeah?

230
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:34.079
As a kisser, good form, soft lips. Are you getting

231
00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:38.559
off on this? What? No? Hell? No, I was pretty good.

232
00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:43.000
I knew it the fuck you mean? You knew it? Nothing?

233
00:19:43.400 --> 00:19:48.519
Thinking out loud? What happened next? You know, a total

234
00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:54.680
falling apart of reality and maybe a monstrous growl or two,

235
00:19:54.759 --> 00:20:00.240
and then you came through a week later? Apparently? Do

236
00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:05.279
do you think you fucked anything up? What? Do you mean, like,

237
00:20:05.400 --> 00:20:09.119
did you break some sort of time travel law or something?

238
00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:13.599
When passed in future you locked lips? How the hell

239
00:20:13.599 --> 00:20:17.200
do I know? I'm just some motherfucker that discovered he

240
00:20:17.240 --> 00:20:20.400
could fuck with time because White Snake and Rat were

241
00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:27.279
cranked up to the nines. Fair point. What's next? What's next?

242
00:20:27.400 --> 00:20:31.599
There is no next mission? Complete. Now we grab some

243
00:20:31.640 --> 00:20:35.680
eggnog and watch the ball drop. We can't stop now,

244
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:40.799
it worked. You sent yourself back in time. Imagine what

245
00:20:40.920 --> 00:20:45.559
we could see, what we could experience. We can stop

246
00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:49.839
at the we part. It's my ass going through those portals.

247
00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:56.240
It's that bad of an experience, honestly, No, minus that

248
00:20:56.319 --> 00:21:01.799
trip back. So let's do it again. Not sold, my dude.

249
00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:05.680
Maybe in the New Year. Well, if the computers all

250
00:21:05.680 --> 00:21:08.839
go tits up come twelve oh one, we may need

251
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:13.960
to beat a retreat. Anyway, that's just media bullshit. I'm

252
00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:18.319
sure a computer can handle a fucking zero. Besides, isn't

253
00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:23.200
like it already two thousand in Australia, Switch on the tube,

254
00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:27.039
I bet things are solid down under as predicted. The

255
00:21:27.119 --> 00:21:30.400
news showed New Year's Eve going down without a hitch

256
00:21:30.559 --> 00:21:36.440
in various locales. See no problem, turn it over to

257
00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:41.359
the ball for a fraction of a second. The apartment

258
00:21:41.480 --> 00:21:49.400
seemed different, heavily fortified, but Dick Clark distracted me, or

259
00:21:50.720 --> 00:21:54.519
the lack of him. Turns out they weren't doing the

260
00:21:54.559 --> 00:21:58.599
televised ball drop in favor of some Y two K

261
00:21:58.799 --> 00:22:04.200
flavored news bull Is there a three Stooges marathon on

262
00:22:04.359 --> 00:22:09.759
or something? Philip began cycling through the stations before finding

263
00:22:09.799 --> 00:22:15.759
the anticipated hilarious violence. Ah, there it is, Moe grinding

264
00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:19.920
a handsaw across Curly's bald head, metal teeth flying from

265
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:25.759
the blade. I laughed, Philip laughed. A commercial broke in

266
00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:30.640
for some Y two K preparedness video hosted by Spock

267
00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:35.359
of all people. We laughed at that too, until a

268
00:22:35.440 --> 00:22:41.160
sweaty Peter Jennings interrupted our slap happy good times. What

269
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.359
I'm about to report to you is unbelievable, but it

270
00:22:45.480 --> 00:22:50.960
is happening. The camera pulled out slightly, revealing a skeletal

271
00:22:51.119 --> 00:22:56.759
arm holding a knife threatening the revered news anchor. An invasion,

272
00:22:56.920 --> 00:23:06.839
A surreal invasion is taking place. Creatures monsters. The feed

273
00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:12.960
went to static before revealing a reptilian face, cobalt blue

274
00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:19.200
and toothy filling the frame. The figure leaned back, revealing

275
00:23:19.240 --> 00:23:22.400
a t rex clad in a leather get up with

276
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:27.759
a World War II Nazi helmet, balancing on its nightmare noggin.

277
00:23:28.599 --> 00:23:33.759
Before the dinosaur even uttered a word, I realized just

278
00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:38.400
how much I fucked up. The t rex shifted on

279
00:23:38.519 --> 00:23:43.319
his throne, constructed of mangled cars and bones, and cleared

280
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:47.400
its throat, which was a fever dream in and of itself.

281
00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:53.200
Philip looked at me sternly. All I could do was shrug.

282
00:23:54.039 --> 00:23:59.240
People of timeline one eight eight zero eight seven two

283
00:23:59.400 --> 00:24:04.640
hear me A. Caligula Khan, the hero of the Battle

284
00:24:04.680 --> 00:24:10.319
of Zarth six, god of the Compsognathis, order of exceleiastic Sharpshooters,

285
00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:15.279
principle of Miss Mary's Home for Wayward Girls, and all

286
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:21.359
around draconian leader, have arrived here to expand my dominion.

287
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:27.000
We sat open mouthed. You will bow before my leather

288
00:24:27.200 --> 00:24:31.599
daddy bone boys, and turn yourselves into your local reassignment

289
00:24:31.720 --> 00:24:37.240
center following this very broadcast. There you will receive further

290
00:24:37.400 --> 00:24:43.119
instructions A fast moving list of addresses scrolled before returning

291
00:24:43.519 --> 00:24:49.559
to Caligula Khan. Also, unauthorized music played at loud volume

292
00:24:50.200 --> 00:24:54.920
is hereby for botn shit. I think he's on to

293
00:24:55.039 --> 00:25:00.880
us now. Credit where credit is due. None of this

294
00:25:00.960 --> 00:25:04.759
would be possible without the help of my Chrono Lost

295
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:11.799
Romeo buddy Saint Jimmy behind con a giant banner unfurled,

296
00:25:12.200 --> 00:25:17.359
revealing a portrait of myself adorned in saintly attire. My

297
00:25:17.519 --> 00:25:21.640
lips were full and deep, Crimson, and I was preparing

298
00:25:21.720 --> 00:25:30.640
to suck my own dick brilliant Philip's glare intensified. What well.

299
00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:33.880
I hope you enjoyed that smooch because your foreplay is

300
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:38.359
going to end in all of us getting fucked. Oh yeah,

301
00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:44.440
I totally planned this knock it off, but you did it.

302
00:25:44.440 --> 00:25:48.200
It was kind of virgin territory. There isn't an instruction

303
00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:51.960
manual for something that shouldn't exist outside of a rerun

304
00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:56.000
of Doctor Fucking Who. How are you going to fix it?

305
00:25:57.200 --> 00:26:00.720
Now that I've unleashed Godzilla Hitler on the world, it's

306
00:26:00.839 --> 00:26:07.599
you and not we. Huh, that's right, Philip, phil Philly

307
00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:11.359
cheese steak. Come on, I'm probably going to need some

308
00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:16.119
assistance if I'm going to save our reality and all well,

309
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:19.640
count me out. This is all way too much. I

310
00:26:19.720 --> 00:26:23.960
need to clear my head, and with that, Philip exited

311
00:26:24.039 --> 00:26:28.799
stage left and straight into the gentle embrace of Cahn's

312
00:26:28.960 --> 00:26:34.680
leather fetish skeletons. This was rapidly getting out of hand.

313
00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:41.400
I sat in Philip's apartment and thought things through, which

314
00:26:41.599 --> 00:26:45.799
was a clear mistake given the absolute lunatic asylum nature

315
00:26:45.839 --> 00:26:49.359
of the biz at hand. The image of that banner

316
00:26:49.559 --> 00:26:54.279
kept coming back to haunt my thoughts. Then it occurred

317
00:26:54.279 --> 00:26:57.839
to me step one should be to lean into that shit.

318
00:26:58.680 --> 00:27:01.279
A thought pounded its way into my mind with that

319
00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:05.640
old deja vus. I grabbed a bag of powdered sugar

320
00:27:05.680 --> 00:27:08.480
that freaky phil liked to use in his morning coffee,

321
00:27:09.160 --> 00:27:13.680
mostly because I just couldn't help myself. Like Philip, I

322
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:18.000
brazenly strolled from the apartment to the street below. But

323
00:27:18.160 --> 00:27:24.000
as with a lot of things, results may vary. I

324
00:27:24.119 --> 00:27:28.240
hit the streets, but any skeletal forces I encountered, went

325
00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:33.079
down on one knee and made an exaggerated blowjob motion,

326
00:27:34.079 --> 00:27:37.160
but it was more station of the cross rather than

327
00:27:37.759 --> 00:27:43.559
mocking wise assery. Plan. I need a plan, I repeated

328
00:27:43.599 --> 00:27:49.960
in a hushed sing song tone. Skeletons, people screaming, whispered

329
00:27:50.039 --> 00:27:55.160
curses wished upon me. None of this was helping. Obviously,

330
00:27:55.240 --> 00:27:58.279
more time travel was going to be the answer, but

331
00:27:58.640 --> 00:28:02.559
blasting hair metal would track the ire of those bonehead

332
00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:07.680
bastards lickety freakin' split. So I walked and I thought

333
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:13.279
until a gloved, skeletal hand fell on my shoulder from behind.

334
00:28:14.160 --> 00:28:17.960
The being spoke, but a giant ball gag prevented any

335
00:28:18.039 --> 00:28:25.960
words from being remotely intelligible. Sorry, pal, no comprende, it

336
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:30.319
mumbled a few more times. I pointed towards the gag,

337
00:28:30.720 --> 00:28:34.599
which the skeleton removed with a wet pop that defied

338
00:28:34.680 --> 00:28:41.720
logic given the creature's lack of saliva. Jimmy, who's asking?

339
00:28:42.839 --> 00:28:49.119
Technically me, skeleton five six seven eight? What's your name? Basically?

340
00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:54.119
I mean, as far as this occupation is concerned, it's

341
00:28:54.160 --> 00:28:58.559
so informal. I agree. Do you have like a first

342
00:28:58.599 --> 00:29:01.559
and last name or is it just mister five six

343
00:29:01.720 --> 00:29:06.960
seven eight Oliver? What my name is? Oliver? Do you

344
00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:12.559
have a last name? Close off? Oliver? Close off. You've

345
00:29:12.599 --> 00:29:17.119
gotta be fucking with me. No, that is forbidden. Only

346
00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:21.519
Saint Jimmy may fornicate with Saint Jimmy. The regret over

347
00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:25.440
this conversation was beginning to surge like a mighty river.

348
00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:33.039
Rolling my eyes, I hesitantly asked, okay, Oliver, what can

349
00:29:33.079 --> 00:29:37.200
I do for you? The Great Kahn requests an audience

350
00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:42.039
with you? Of course he does, But isn't he in Manhattan?

351
00:29:42.119 --> 00:29:45.079
That's like three hours from here? And I don't have

352
00:29:45.160 --> 00:29:49.319
any wheels, my man. Two more skeletons joined the first,

353
00:29:49.880 --> 00:29:55.880
carrying boomboxes and kneeled. They played an unholy amalgamation of

354
00:29:56.160 --> 00:30:00.640
Celine Dion and Mariah Carey, which opened a vivid lavender

355
00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:13.359
hole that Oliver shoved me into without warning. I crash

356
00:30:13.480 --> 00:30:17.240
landed hard before the t rex is thrown, as I

357
00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:21.839
had a thought, Shit, the tones can be used for

358
00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:28.480
spontaneous teleportation. That one never occurred to me. Saint Jimmy

359
00:30:29.319 --> 00:30:35.759
in the flesh, Praise be the dinosaur hissed, Praise be

360
00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:44.119
the skeleton throng in attendance, repeated reverently. So what can

361
00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:46.519
I do for you? Not a hell of a lot

362
00:30:46.680 --> 00:30:53.720
besides what you've already done? Great? Well, you're welcome, guess

363
00:30:53.720 --> 00:30:59.720
I'll be moseying along not so fast. I'd be honored

364
00:30:59.720 --> 00:31:05.839
if you'd be my guest here, guest yeah, guest, like

365
00:31:06.599 --> 00:31:13.880
feasts and shit sounds cool? But what's the catch? No catch? Okay,

366
00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:17.440
I'm game. Do you have like a table or some

367
00:31:17.599 --> 00:31:23.359
shit we can gnaws around? Indeed, I do. Con rose

368
00:31:23.440 --> 00:31:27.799
from his throne and removed his helmet, revealing a jade

369
00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:33.119
green mohawk equal parts hair and feathers. He shook his

370
00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:37.599
punk rock mane with wild abandon and gestured towards a giant,

371
00:31:37.640 --> 00:31:42.759
blood red curtain, which fell to reveal a long wooden table,

372
00:31:43.559 --> 00:31:47.519
the far end of which ended in a cage. Let

373
00:31:47.559 --> 00:31:52.440
me guess I'm sitting at the kid's table. I spat,

374
00:31:52.920 --> 00:31:57.720
gesturing towards the seat inside the cage. It's just a

375
00:31:57.759 --> 00:32:02.319
precaution in case you have any designs on pissing on

376
00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:07.640
my parade and all, I wouldn't dream of it. I

377
00:32:07.720 --> 00:32:14.240
would hence the ounce of prevention. Caligula Khan motion towards

378
00:32:14.279 --> 00:32:20.079
the cage, and I obliged. The courses came fast and furious,

379
00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:24.839
and I have to admit the banquet was choice. What

380
00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:28.720
exactly is your plan for all this? I asked, through

381
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:34.000
chicken grease smeared lips. Not much really, just a little

382
00:32:34.039 --> 00:32:37.799
shift in the ruling class, turn a couple million folks

383
00:32:37.799 --> 00:32:43.759
into skeletons under my sway just a Tuesday, really, and

384
00:32:44.200 --> 00:32:48.960
my part in this your Tiger Beat cover material Baby

385
00:32:49.519 --> 00:32:54.240
a pretty relatable human face to soothe and rally the masses.

386
00:32:55.680 --> 00:33:01.160
So a traitor to the human race, but cute. Basically

387
00:33:02.200 --> 00:33:05.880
I can live with that, I lied, taking another bite

388
00:33:05.920 --> 00:33:12.279
of roast chicken. Excellent. Now let's begin the knight's entertainment.

389
00:33:13.160 --> 00:33:18.319
Pyro and screeching guitars heralded the arrival of both White

390
00:33:18.319 --> 00:33:23.160
Snake and Rat with a sizeable portion of original members.

391
00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:28.759
The guitars grew quiet, and the performance began with both

392
00:33:28.920 --> 00:33:34.079
bands whisper singing a collection of their respective greatest hits.

393
00:33:34.680 --> 00:33:38.519
Shit this as Lips was definitely hitting all the right

394
00:33:38.640 --> 00:33:43.960
notes to get my attention while simultaneously assuring no time

395
00:33:44.000 --> 00:33:48.680
Shenanigans would fuck up his Christmas, so to speak. It

396
00:33:48.799 --> 00:33:53.480
was then I remembered my stash from Philip's place. Rat

397
00:33:53.559 --> 00:33:59.079
Stephen Parsey came close, crooning way cool Junior, and I

398
00:33:59.200 --> 00:34:04.079
held aloft my magic bag and said, by the power

399
00:34:04.119 --> 00:34:09.599
of cocaine, you shall sing louder. Kind of anyway, It

400
00:34:09.639 --> 00:34:12.880
was more a hey, kids, drugs play louder and don't

401
00:34:12.920 --> 00:34:15.360
let Satan's minions know about it, and you'll get your

402
00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:19.480
booger candy directly. And by the time they realized that

403
00:34:19.559 --> 00:34:24.679
the Columbian gold was actually overprocessed sugar, I'd be balls

404
00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:29.000
deep in the time stream words spread fast among the

405
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:33.440
performers assembled that Saint Jimmy was holding and he'd give

406
00:34:33.480 --> 00:34:37.639
it up for maximum strength rock and roll. Each band

407
00:34:37.760 --> 00:34:42.440
tore through hit after hit, each song getting progressively louder,

408
00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:47.840
until I finally caught glimpse of that sparkling portal right

409
00:34:47.880 --> 00:34:52.199
inside my prison, And when Con was distracted by an

410
00:34:52.320 --> 00:34:57.239
errant piece of meat lodged between two of his copious teeth,

411
00:34:57.800 --> 00:35:00.519
I made my move and tipped right into the gateway

412
00:35:01.440 --> 00:35:05.039
as that fabric tour, I could have sworn that rat

413
00:35:05.119 --> 00:35:15.159
was comprised of human sized hair metal rodents. I emerged

414
00:35:15.239 --> 00:35:20.239
in nineteen eighty nine Manhattan with no plan and no clue,

415
00:35:20.840 --> 00:35:25.199
which admittedly was right on brand, but at the very

416
00:35:25.320 --> 00:35:31.000
least there was no t Rex overlords or kinky skeletons. Maybe,

417
00:35:31.000 --> 00:35:35.719
with things said at least somewhat back to normal, maybe

418
00:35:35.800 --> 00:35:39.239
I could attempt to sort this mess out. As I

419
00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:43.400
walked through Times Square, I quickly learned that the mess

420
00:35:44.119 --> 00:35:48.480
was much deeper than I thought. For starters, every neon

421
00:35:48.599 --> 00:35:54.519
drenched billboard that featured a human form was off by

422
00:35:54.760 --> 00:35:59.079
quite a large margin, as every actor or brand spokesmodel

423
00:35:59.239 --> 00:36:05.800
was now in anthropomorphic feline. Fuck. I hope real rat

424
00:36:05.880 --> 00:36:10.519
based rat never ends up here. I passed a sign

425
00:36:10.599 --> 00:36:16.159
for the hot Broadway musical Humans, which featured catfolk in

426
00:36:16.400 --> 00:36:21.519
flashy costumes and makeup to make them appear as Homo sapiens.

427
00:36:22.400 --> 00:36:25.519
I pulled my hood tight over my face because that

428
00:36:25.639 --> 00:36:30.679
worked aces last time. But admittedly that's all I had

429
00:36:30.760 --> 00:36:37.079
at the moment until genius struck. Maybe I could go

430
00:36:37.199 --> 00:36:40.519
a bit sideways, end up in summer of nineteen eighty

431
00:36:40.599 --> 00:36:44.480
nine and stop myself from making this discovery in the

432
00:36:44.519 --> 00:36:47.920
first place. Technically, I had all the time in the

433
00:36:47.960 --> 00:36:59.000
world to work on this little brain teaser. Long story longer,

434
00:36:59.559 --> 00:37:02.920
I hit up in cat Haattan and worked on finding

435
00:37:03.000 --> 00:37:05.480
tones that could send me where I needed to go.

436
00:37:06.480 --> 00:37:11.280
I had help, of course, including faithful Fluffy Perhms, a

437
00:37:11.320 --> 00:37:16.199
long haired Persian cat with an innate aptitude for time travel.

438
00:37:16.880 --> 00:37:21.039
And as Fluffy licked his hand slash pause and wished

439
00:37:21.039 --> 00:37:25.599
me adieu, I stepped into the shimmering void and hoped

440
00:37:26.119 --> 00:37:33.119
for the best. I emerged behind a bush in Philip's backyard.

441
00:37:34.159 --> 00:37:37.920
There we were just lounging by the pool, stuffing our

442
00:37:37.960 --> 00:37:44.000
faces with cool Ranch Doritos music blaring. This was going

443
00:37:44.039 --> 00:37:49.199
to require crackerjack timing, but that fucking radio was going

444
00:37:49.239 --> 00:37:52.400
to get turned down and prevent this horse crap from

445
00:37:52.440 --> 00:37:56.880
becoming a reality. I stealthed my way around the deck

446
00:37:57.480 --> 00:38:01.199
until I was positioned behind the radio and out of sight.

447
00:38:02.079 --> 00:38:05.199
I reached up to turn it off. What the fuck?

448
00:38:05.639 --> 00:38:11.239
Who's down there? Philip exclaimed? Before I knew it, Philip

449
00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:16.679
and I were looking down at me from the deck. Dude,

450
00:38:16.760 --> 00:38:22.079
he looks just like you, but like older time comes

451
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:26.320
for us all ass lips. I spat back. He sounds

452
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:29.880
like you too. I reached into my hoodie in the

453
00:38:29.920 --> 00:38:34.360
desperate hope to find a distraction, but came up empty.

454
00:38:35.599 --> 00:38:42.039
Desperate times indeed, then it hit me, holy shit, guys,

455
00:38:42.599 --> 00:38:48.360
is that Kelly Bundy and those dipshits actually looked. I

456
00:38:48.440 --> 00:38:52.280
grabbed the radio and booked it across the yard. I

457
00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:57.239
could hear Philip angrily discover my Christina Applegate centric ruse.

458
00:38:58.119 --> 00:39:01.960
I ran further, almost to the back gate, and then

459
00:39:02.000 --> 00:39:05.280
out on the streets. I ducked into a neighbor's shed

460
00:39:05.800 --> 00:39:11.159
and caught my breath. The deep laughter came soon, pure

461
00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:16.360
relief over a situation well and truly avoided. I must

462
00:39:16.360 --> 00:39:19.360
have sat in there for a half hour, wallowing in

463
00:39:19.480 --> 00:39:24.840
my success. Finally I gathered myself and peeked out of

464
00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:28.679
the shed to check if the coast was clear. Shit.

465
00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:35.199
The entire yard was filled with leather clad skeletons. I

466
00:39:35.239 --> 00:39:40.199
shut the door quietly. What the hell I took the

467
00:39:40.320 --> 00:39:44.920
damn radio, I thought. The air and the shed filled

468
00:39:44.960 --> 00:39:50.719
with the heady aroma of catnip and burning ozone. A

469
00:39:50.760 --> 00:39:56.360
portal opened and Fluffy emerged in full military regalia, and

470
00:39:56.480 --> 00:40:00.519
he was flocked by other hard ass cats, as well

471
00:40:00.559 --> 00:40:06.639
as at least five different versions of myself. I messed up,

472
00:40:06.719 --> 00:40:10.800
huh in a way, But there's no time to explain.

473
00:40:11.559 --> 00:40:15.960
We need to go, and off I went to try

474
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:21.400
and firefight countless variables across time with an army of

475
00:40:21.480 --> 00:40:38.760
cat people and me. Fun In Funerals by David O'Hanlon,

476
00:40:40.920 --> 00:40:44.719
The death of a clown is no laughing matter. It

477
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:49.000
leaves a bleak unhappy void in the universe equal to

478
00:40:49.039 --> 00:40:53.760
the amount of joy that departed had caused. FeNiS farcemeister

479
00:40:54.039 --> 00:40:58.039
white Face of the Amityville Shutter, had brought happiness to millions.

480
00:40:58.559 --> 00:41:01.760
His body rested in the lavender casket, with his bright

481
00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:05.280
red shoes sticking straight up and his orange hair jutting

482
00:41:05.360 --> 00:41:10.199
over the side. Before him, a pedestal too large for

483
00:41:10.280 --> 00:41:13.840
its contents stood erect as a grim reminder of the

484
00:41:13.920 --> 00:41:17.639
task to come. The remainder of his shutter mourned in

485
00:41:17.719 --> 00:41:22.000
their own ways while they awaited the arrival of Pastor Crumb.

486
00:41:23.559 --> 00:41:26.519
How are we supposed to close the lid, Popsy Pringle

487
00:41:26.599 --> 00:41:30.320
asked gruffly, wiggling the toe of Penis's shoe. Might as

488
00:41:30.360 --> 00:41:33.199
well just slap some crocs on him. You don't have

489
00:41:33.280 --> 00:41:37.559
to be in such a hurry, Popsy, sweet pea cheapskate sobbed.

490
00:41:38.119 --> 00:41:41.360
Sweet brother Blippy put an arm around her shoulders and

491
00:41:41.440 --> 00:41:45.159
nodded in agreement. The twins were the shutter's resident tramps.

492
00:41:45.559 --> 00:41:49.239
The tears rolled down Blippy's rotund cheeks and disappeared in

493
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:52.559
the smear of his grease paint beard. The siblings both

494
00:41:52.639 --> 00:41:57.000
focused on the pedestal or more accurately, the egg resting

495
00:41:57.039 --> 00:42:00.760
atop it. Blippy chewed his lip nervously and tipped his

496
00:42:00.880 --> 00:42:04.239
torn top hat respectfully. We all know you'll be the

497
00:42:04.320 --> 00:42:08.400
next white face, he said softly. You don't have to

498
00:42:08.440 --> 00:42:12.280
be so eager to take it. Callousness is for humans.

499
00:42:12.719 --> 00:42:16.920
Clowns are better than that. Popsy groaned and gave his

500
00:42:17.039 --> 00:42:22.159
nose a squeak. Spare me. Blippy gasped at the insulting

501
00:42:22.239 --> 00:42:26.760
gesture and sobbed on his sister's shoulder. Waldo, Tatter's tied

502
00:42:26.800 --> 00:42:29.960
eye shit kickers, clopped across the wood floors with his

503
00:42:30.039 --> 00:42:34.800
spurs jangling, until he stood before the egg. Its scaly

504
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:39.360
vermilion shell was painted with Fenis's likeness, and locks of

505
00:42:39.400 --> 00:42:43.559
his hair snipped and glued to the sides. Every clown

506
00:42:43.639 --> 00:42:47.519
had an egg in their shutter's reliquary. Waldo traced his

507
00:42:47.639 --> 00:42:51.039
fingers across the curve of the egg. He took off

508
00:42:51.079 --> 00:42:54.079
his cowboy hat and pressed it to his denim shirt.

509
00:42:54.920 --> 00:42:58.760
Rodeo clowns were rogues and rarely allowed membership in a

510
00:42:58.840 --> 00:43:03.920
shudder if Fennis saw beyond Waldo's wily, psychotic demeanor, however,

511
00:43:05.079 --> 00:43:09.199
don't you worry none partner, The cowboy said lowly, we

512
00:43:09.280 --> 00:43:13.960
won't take too long. We'd better not. Popsy checked his

513
00:43:14.039 --> 00:43:18.000
oversized watch. Where the hell is crumb? No one likes

514
00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:22.639
a sad clown. Sweet squirmed uncomfortably in her pew. She'd

515
00:43:22.639 --> 00:43:25.440
seen a pureaut once. It was the worst thing that

516
00:43:25.480 --> 00:43:29.880
could happen to a clown. The code called for funerary games,

517
00:43:29.960 --> 00:43:32.440
so that the laughter of the shutter could carry the

518
00:43:32.519 --> 00:43:36.199
soul to the Palace of joy. If the games didn't

519
00:43:36.199 --> 00:43:39.559
appease the soul of the departed clown, however, it would

520
00:43:39.559 --> 00:43:43.519
become trapped in the void, and they would return as

521
00:43:43.519 --> 00:43:48.800
a pierrot, a hideous, undead monstrosity that devoured flesh and

522
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:53.480
spread colorophobia. You can't bring joy if the audience thinks

523
00:43:53.880 --> 00:43:58.079
you might eat their faces. The code don't cop to convenience,

524
00:43:58.599 --> 00:44:02.840
Waldo reminded him. He looked at the flower on Phenis's lapel.

525
00:44:03.480 --> 00:44:06.880
Its petals danced in the artificial wind of the oscillating fan,

526
00:44:07.639 --> 00:44:12.559
but FeNiS remained still. Rather get on with the chase myself.

527
00:44:12.960 --> 00:44:15.719
All the same, it'll be a hell of a blow off.

528
00:44:16.199 --> 00:44:19.559
Blippy tugged the handkerchief from his breast pocket, dragging out

529
00:44:19.599 --> 00:44:23.239
an extra three feet of multicolored linen. He blew his

530
00:44:23.280 --> 00:44:25.679
nose on it and folded it back into his pocket.

531
00:44:26.679 --> 00:44:31.360
A sad smile stretched across his chubby cheeks. Fenis'll be

532
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:33.719
able to rest easy in the palace seeing the party

533
00:44:33.760 --> 00:44:36.440
we threw for him. Gonna be a different kind of

534
00:44:36.480 --> 00:44:39.400
party if an we don't get a move on. Waldo

535
00:44:39.480 --> 00:44:44.000
padded the egg and sighed. He turned to Popsy, who's

536
00:44:44.079 --> 00:44:47.840
the pecker head anyway? His name is Al, A new

537
00:44:47.920 --> 00:44:52.760
voice said al musing. The shutter turned their attention to

538
00:44:52.840 --> 00:44:57.039
the tiny trapezoidal door leading to the church's rectory. Pastor

539
00:44:57.119 --> 00:44:59.960
Crumb's four foot height made it through the door easily,

540
00:45:00.360 --> 00:45:03.159
but the prisoner he escorted on a leash took to

541
00:45:03.239 --> 00:45:07.360
crawling on his knees to fit through. Pastor Crumb jerked

542
00:45:07.360 --> 00:45:10.519
backward as the leather strap went taut. He huffed and

543
00:45:10.599 --> 00:45:13.159
waited for the prisoner to catch up, using the moment

544
00:45:13.199 --> 00:45:16.320
to attend an urgent itch south of his bulging belly.

545
00:45:17.000 --> 00:45:20.920
Al doesn't like clowns, the pastor said. He adjusted the

546
00:45:20.920 --> 00:45:24.719
white collar beneath his second chin. I imagine he's really

547
00:45:24.719 --> 00:45:29.239
going to hate us after tonight. The shutterer laughed. Al

548
00:45:29.320 --> 00:45:32.199
tried to stand when eighteen inches of checkered vinyl kicked

549
00:45:32.239 --> 00:45:35.599
him square between the shoulders. Popsy knelt on the human's

550
00:45:35.639 --> 00:45:39.639
back and held his hand out to Pastor Crumb. Enough propriety,

551
00:45:40.039 --> 00:45:43.119
give me the biscuit. Crumb took the revolver from the

552
00:45:43.119 --> 00:45:46.320
inside of his jacket and twirled it clumsily on his finger.

553
00:45:46.880 --> 00:45:50.000
He shook his head. We have one more point of business.

554
00:45:50.519 --> 00:45:54.239
He waved for Popsy to move. The august clown growled,

555
00:45:54.280 --> 00:45:58.199
but rose none the less. Popsy rolled his gloved hand

556
00:45:58.280 --> 00:46:01.679
theatrically and gave a phony back. He slapped the toe

557
00:46:01.679 --> 00:46:04.760
of his shoe down on Al's face. There's no reason

558
00:46:04.800 --> 00:46:07.719
for you to get up, he said, the nub of

559
00:46:07.760 --> 00:46:11.760
the smoldering stogy between his yellow teeth. Get on with it.

560
00:46:11.840 --> 00:46:16.920
Pastor FeNiS Farsemeister was a clown of the highest order.

561
00:46:17.400 --> 00:46:21.440
We gather here not to just honor the code, he

562
00:46:21.440 --> 00:46:25.400
glared over his shoulder at Popsy, nor to anoint a

563
00:46:25.480 --> 00:46:29.840
new white face. We are here to say a final

564
00:46:29.880 --> 00:46:33.000
goodbye to a clown that was more than a mere

565
00:46:33.119 --> 00:46:37.440
leader or friend. FeNiS was a mentor when we were ignorant,

566
00:46:37.800 --> 00:46:40.639
a father when we were alone, and a force of

567
00:46:40.760 --> 00:46:44.480
will when we were rebellious. He brought joy to the

568
00:46:44.559 --> 00:46:47.920
humans like no other clown before him, and in doing so,

569
00:46:48.119 --> 00:46:51.280
he restored this shudder to a place of reverence among

570
00:46:51.400 --> 00:46:58.199
all clown kin. Amen. Pastor Crumb sweet agreed Fennis did

571
00:46:58.280 --> 00:47:01.280
such wondrous works in his two and a half centuries.

572
00:47:01.800 --> 00:47:05.920
Crumb continued, why if it weren't for him, we might

573
00:47:05.960 --> 00:47:09.559
not even have the squirting flower gag. He took juggling

574
00:47:09.639 --> 00:47:13.079
to new heights literally by doing it on the tight rope.

575
00:47:13.320 --> 00:47:16.639
He restored the pooting bag to glory when he showed

576
00:47:16.679 --> 00:47:19.639
the humans how to make their whoopee cushions. There has

577
00:47:19.760 --> 00:47:23.920
never been a more beloved and potent clown than FeNiS,

578
00:47:24.599 --> 00:47:27.840
and never shall there be. We have had a grand

579
00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:32.760
day of remembrance. However, the time has now come to

580
00:47:32.880 --> 00:47:39.519
say our final goodbye. Goodbye, they all shouted in unison.

581
00:47:40.079 --> 00:47:42.679
Pastor Crumb flipped the lid of the casket shut on

582
00:47:42.760 --> 00:47:46.840
Fenis's corpse. It remained propped open by the boldest toes

583
00:47:46.880 --> 00:47:50.679
of his shoes. The shutter chuckled at Fenis's final gag.

584
00:47:51.360 --> 00:47:55.800
Crumb's belly jiggled with raucous laughter. His laughter cut off

585
00:47:55.840 --> 00:48:00.320
as abruptly as hitting pause. His smile fell, and the

586
00:48:00.360 --> 00:48:03.880
grease paint did nothing to hide the dour expression etched

587
00:48:03.920 --> 00:48:08.960
on his face. Al Musing, you have been chosen as

588
00:48:09.000 --> 00:48:13.079
the guest of honor, Crumb grumbled. He waved his fingers

589
00:48:13.079 --> 00:48:18.039
to signal, popsy away. A clown is dead, A human

590
00:48:18.119 --> 00:48:20.800
must die. That is the code to which both our

591
00:48:20.920 --> 00:48:24.679
kind are bound. Al stood up slowly and tore the

592
00:48:24.679 --> 00:48:27.960
burlap sack off his head. He glared around the room

593
00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:31.920
at each of the clowns. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

594
00:48:32.519 --> 00:48:37.039
Do we look like the joking kind? Blippy asked, Sweet

595
00:48:37.079 --> 00:48:40.440
stood and sauntered to the casket. She dragged a wicker

596
00:48:40.519 --> 00:48:43.599
basket from underneath its stand and knelt with a smile

597
00:48:43.679 --> 00:48:48.239
toward Al, before dumping the contents out. Her aquamarine hair

598
00:48:48.400 --> 00:48:52.039
tapered to fusha ends that acted like arrows, directing all

599
00:48:52.119 --> 00:48:56.480
gazes to the struggling buttons of her unkempt hoboshik blouse.

600
00:48:57.320 --> 00:49:01.679
It took great effort, but finally Als eyes jumped from

601
00:49:01.719 --> 00:49:06.840
the cleavage to the cleavers, skittering across the floor. They

602
00:49:06.840 --> 00:49:11.559
were oversized and ancient, specked with rust and old blood,

603
00:49:11.920 --> 00:49:19.159
and accompanied by matching mallets. So m Al cleared his throat.

604
00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:24.559
Which one of you makes the balloon? Animals? We all do, dummy,

605
00:49:25.039 --> 00:49:29.000
Blippy informed him, good start with a cock and go

606
00:49:29.199 --> 00:49:35.519
fuck yourselves. Waldo chuckled. Partner's got some guts. I'll be

607
00:49:35.599 --> 00:49:39.639
wearing them like a big pink. Boa Sweet hissed sordidly.

608
00:49:40.280 --> 00:49:43.199
The blade of her cleaver scraped a divot in the floor.

609
00:49:43.599 --> 00:49:45.800
I'll keep you alive while I pull them out, so

610
00:49:45.920 --> 00:49:48.400
you can tell me how ravishing I look before I

611
00:49:48.519 --> 00:49:53.159
split your skull open. As appealing as that sounds, how

612
00:49:53.159 --> 00:49:56.639
about we just split and fuck each other. Silly a'l

613
00:49:56.760 --> 00:50:00.000
winked and blew her a kiss. Blippy jumped up fast

614
00:50:00.199 --> 00:50:03.159
enough to knock the church pew over. That's my sister,

615
00:50:03.400 --> 00:50:08.360
dick weed, your sister, Al gave the clown a critical

616
00:50:08.400 --> 00:50:12.519
once over. Your mom had an affair, you son of

617
00:50:12.559 --> 00:50:17.840
a bitch. Enough tom Foolery, Crumb shouted. He jammed the

618
00:50:17.880 --> 00:50:22.239
revolver into Al's waistband. We're not animals. We'll give you

619
00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:27.840
a shot, but just one fuck it? Why not? Al

620
00:50:27.920 --> 00:50:30.000
pulled the leash off his neck and threw it down.

621
00:50:30.840 --> 00:50:35.719
What's the game? Time for games is past, Popsy said,

622
00:50:36.320 --> 00:50:40.880
The chase begins now. All you gotta do is survive

623
00:50:41.039 --> 00:50:45.559
until midnight. Al grabbed Popsy's hand. The clown jerked away,

624
00:50:45.599 --> 00:50:48.199
but Al held firm and turned his arm over to

625
00:50:48.239 --> 00:50:52.000
look at the face of the oversized watch. Forty seven

626
00:50:52.039 --> 00:50:57.119
minutes remaining. Probably be easier just to kill you all,

627
00:50:57.599 --> 00:51:02.599
Al suggested, that's fun. Popsy shoved Al away from him.

628
00:51:02.880 --> 00:51:07.119
You're a real comic, Al choke on my McNuggets. Ronald

629
00:51:07.440 --> 00:51:10.360
Al jogged for the door. The clowns set off giant

630
00:51:10.360 --> 00:51:14.119
party poppers, showering him with confetti and whooped with excitement

631
00:51:14.159 --> 00:51:17.119
behind him. Once he was outside, he took in his

632
00:51:17.199 --> 00:51:21.360
surroundings quickly. A polka dot Volkswagen Beetle was parked along

633
00:51:21.400 --> 00:51:24.039
the front of the clown church, which looked more like

634
00:51:24.079 --> 00:51:28.800
a converted funhouse with its colorful facade and odd angles.

635
00:51:29.360 --> 00:51:32.320
It was also smack dab in the middle of fucking nowhere.

636
00:51:32.800 --> 00:51:35.679
Rows of tombstones extended as far as he could see

637
00:51:35.679 --> 00:51:39.000
by the moonlight. All right, all right, think Al, you

638
00:51:39.039 --> 00:51:42.239
need a plan. He had a head start a gun

639
00:51:42.280 --> 00:51:45.800
with one bullet and five clowns hell bent on murdering

640
00:51:45.880 --> 00:51:48.360
him in less than an hour. The outline of a

641
00:51:48.400 --> 00:51:52.599
mausoleum then caught his eye. It can't spell slaughter without

642
00:51:53.280 --> 00:52:01.840
a laugh. A train whistle screamed inside the church. Waldo

643
00:52:01.960 --> 00:52:07.639
rubbed his ears. Crusty h Christ Blippy Pastor Crumb mirrored Waldo,

644
00:52:08.119 --> 00:52:12.559
you don't sorry. Blippy hung his head and tucked the

645
00:52:12.559 --> 00:52:15.760
whistle into his overalls. I just wanted to let everyone

646
00:52:15.800 --> 00:52:20.639
know the chase is starting. We're all in the same room, dipshit.

647
00:52:21.280 --> 00:52:24.239
Popsy slapped him in the back of the head. Besides,

648
00:52:24.679 --> 00:52:29.559
Crumb starts the chase. Crumb padded Phenis's corpse and proceeded

649
00:52:29.559 --> 00:52:32.440
to the pulpit. Popsy tapped the back of his cleaver

650
00:52:32.559 --> 00:52:35.119
against the metal head of the mallet until he got

651
00:52:35.159 --> 00:52:39.159
the precise rhythm. The toes of clown shoes tapped in

652
00:52:39.239 --> 00:52:44.159
harmony with it. Popsy scowled and licked his lips with excitement.

653
00:52:44.840 --> 00:52:48.000
Strike up the band, we got us a human to kill.

654
00:52:48.480 --> 00:52:52.960
Popsy roared, Crumb pressed the button, and Stars and Stripes

655
00:52:52.960 --> 00:52:59.519
Forever blared to life through the church's PA system. The

656
00:52:59.559 --> 00:53:02.760
four of roared and stormed for the building in pursuit

657
00:53:03.079 --> 00:53:09.079
of their quarry. Blippy took aim and smashed the handle

658
00:53:09.159 --> 00:53:12.840
free from the mausoleum door. It wasn't his first chase,

659
00:53:13.400 --> 00:53:16.280
and the prey usually went straight to the nearest shelter.

660
00:53:16.880 --> 00:53:19.559
He twirled the mallet in his hands and kicked open

661
00:53:19.599 --> 00:53:22.920
the door with a floppy, torn shoe. Sweet rushed into

662
00:53:22.920 --> 00:53:25.719
the building with her weapons at the ready. The place

663
00:53:25.920 --> 00:53:30.800
was empty. The bronze nameplates of the dead spread across

664
00:53:30.840 --> 00:53:34.440
the two longside walls, and the back wall was occupied

665
00:53:34.440 --> 00:53:38.280
almost entirely by a stained glass window depicting the first

666
00:53:38.320 --> 00:53:41.880
clown at the center and his six disciples and pains

667
00:53:41.920 --> 00:53:46.039
around him. Sweet crossed herself and approached the ornate tomb

668
00:53:46.079 --> 00:53:48.880
that sat in the center of the room. She took

669
00:53:48.920 --> 00:53:52.480
a deep breath and pressed against the top with her shoulder.

670
00:53:53.320 --> 00:53:58.920
Its heavy stone lids scraped open slowly. She expected al

671
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:03.360
Musing to reach out for her, but nothing happened. She

672
00:54:03.519 --> 00:54:07.159
peeked inside and muttered an apology to the skeletal remains

673
00:54:07.159 --> 00:54:11.599
within the tomb. Doe the Mine rested as silently in

674
00:54:11.760 --> 00:54:15.440
death as he had been in life. Sweet turned to

675
00:54:15.480 --> 00:54:20.679
her brother and shrugged, He's not here, Blippy. She looked

676
00:54:20.679 --> 00:54:23.800
around the otherwise empty room. Guess we got it wrong

677
00:54:23.920 --> 00:54:28.519
this time, rats Blip threw his hammer down with a clatter.

678
00:54:29.119 --> 00:54:31.719
I just knew he'd come straight here. Where else could

679
00:54:31.760 --> 00:54:34.679
he be? Probably headed to the hedge Maze. Let's meet

680
00:54:34.679 --> 00:54:38.880
Waldo there, Sweet suggested. The two tramps skulk out the

681
00:54:38.880 --> 00:54:42.800
front door and froze as the headlights blazed before them.

682
00:54:43.000 --> 00:54:46.239
Circus music sounded from the VW Bug's horn as it

683
00:54:46.320 --> 00:54:49.719
sped toward them, throwing a shower of dirt and grass

684
00:54:49.719 --> 00:54:52.639
from its spinning tires. Sweet cartwheeled out of the way,

685
00:54:53.079 --> 00:54:57.440
but Blippy was too slow. Sorry to bug, you, Awl,

686
00:54:57.559 --> 00:55:01.239
howled with a laugh. The car struck Bli below, flipping

687
00:55:01.360 --> 00:55:04.440
him onto the hood. His face smacked against the windshield,

688
00:55:04.519 --> 00:55:07.960
streaking the glass with his grease paint. Al smiled at

689
00:55:08.039 --> 00:55:10.920
him from the other side. The car smashed through the

690
00:55:10.920 --> 00:55:14.159
front wall, ramped off the tomb of Dowie, and launched

691
00:55:14.159 --> 00:55:18.159
into the air. They crashed through the massive window, showering

692
00:55:18.159 --> 00:55:22.119
the yard beyond in its psychedelic haale. The car landed hard,

693
00:55:22.679 --> 00:55:26.400
the tires exploded, the shocks collapsed, but its momentum kept

694
00:55:26.400 --> 00:55:29.719
the beetle, careening forward until it hit the oak tree.

695
00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:32.559
Al batted the air bag down and beat his shoulder

696
00:55:32.599 --> 00:55:36.119
against the bent door. It finally squeaked open and fell

697
00:55:36.119 --> 00:55:39.360
off beside the car. Al got out and popped his

698
00:55:39.480 --> 00:55:44.199
neck with a groan. Blippy bee Cheapskate's eyes dangled from

699
00:55:44.199 --> 00:55:47.840
his skull, forced out by the impact. The rest of

700
00:55:47.920 --> 00:55:50.920
him just burst open like a confetti filled balloon animal

701
00:55:51.280 --> 00:55:56.280
and sprayed the area in viscera. Al chuckled, Guess that

702
00:55:56.360 --> 00:55:58.440
answers how many cars you can fit in a clown?

703
00:55:59.320 --> 00:56:01.639
Sweet jumped over the car and slashed it Al with

704
00:56:01.719 --> 00:56:04.719
the cleaver. He ducked and rolled, grabbing the car door

705
00:56:04.840 --> 00:56:06.840
and swinging it by the window frame to bat the

706
00:56:06.880 --> 00:56:09.679
diminutive nymph away. Let me get the door for you,

707
00:56:10.039 --> 00:56:14.880
Al quipped, hardy fucking har harror. Sweet spat blood with

708
00:56:15.079 --> 00:56:18.280
jokes like that, you could be a birthday clown. Do

709
00:56:18.360 --> 00:56:21.920
you think I have the chops? I'll give you some chops.

710
00:56:22.440 --> 00:56:25.679
Sweet lunged forward. Al held the car door up like

711
00:56:25.719 --> 00:56:28.840
a shield. Sweet's cleaver cut through the thin metal with ease.

712
00:56:29.239 --> 00:56:32.519
Al fell backwards, flipping the tramp over him in the process.

713
00:56:32.840 --> 00:56:35.039
He snapped to his feet, but Sweet was up before

714
00:56:35.079 --> 00:56:38.360
him and climbed his body, her stocking legs wrapped around

715
00:56:38.360 --> 00:56:41.400
his neck. She locked her ankles behind his back, twisted

716
00:56:41.400 --> 00:56:44.039
her fingers into his mop of blonde hair, and squeezed

717
00:56:44.039 --> 00:56:47.239
her thighs tighter. Lucky fella, dying with your face in

718
00:56:47.320 --> 00:56:51.719
my cotton, candy, Sweet laughed maniacally. As Al weakened and

719
00:56:51.840 --> 00:56:55.679
fell to his knees. Sweet dropped backwards, grabbing her own

720
00:56:55.719 --> 00:56:59.159
ankle to tighten the hold. Al threw ever weakening punches

721
00:56:59.199 --> 00:57:01.599
at her. She drove her elbow into the top of

722
00:57:01.639 --> 00:57:05.639
his head like a jackhammer. Al slumped over his fingers,

723
00:57:05.679 --> 00:57:08.559
tapped and dragged through the grass for anything that might

724
00:57:08.639 --> 00:57:13.880
help enough, clowning around. Sweet stretched out, reaching for her cleaver.

725
00:57:14.480 --> 00:57:20.599
I'm going to cut off all your appendages in alphabetical order. Ah.

726
00:57:21.079 --> 00:57:24.480
Sweet rolled away from Al. She prodded the ragged hole

727
00:57:24.559 --> 00:57:28.639
in her thigh tentatively. The human choked and gagged behind her.

728
00:57:29.920 --> 00:57:32.880
Fucking clowns always leave a funny taste in my mouth.

729
00:57:33.239 --> 00:57:36.440
Al coughed, scouring his bloody face with the sleeve of

730
00:57:36.480 --> 00:57:40.280
his sweatshirt. Blood spurted between Sweet's fingers while she worked

731
00:57:40.280 --> 00:57:43.400
a fuchia tie from a pigtail to tourniquet the gaping

732
00:57:43.440 --> 00:57:46.480
bite mark. She seized the cleaver while she could and

733
00:57:46.519 --> 00:57:52.880
turned around to find him missing. Fuck Sweet panned around

734
00:57:52.920 --> 00:57:55.880
searching for him. She limped back to the church to

735
00:57:55.920 --> 00:57:59.079
regroup with Pastor Crumb. In case the others had failed

736
00:57:59.079 --> 00:58:01.320
to kill Al in the allott at time, someone would

737
00:58:01.360 --> 00:58:04.599
need to be there to smash the egg. Whoever it

738
00:58:04.800 --> 00:58:08.320
was would be the next whiteface, and Popsy would not

739
00:58:08.480 --> 00:58:13.360
be pleased it beat the alternative. Sweet stopped in her tracks.

740
00:58:14.280 --> 00:58:18.480
Of course, if the human killed them all, there'd be

741
00:58:18.480 --> 00:58:20.679
no one left to laugh for any of their spirits.

742
00:58:21.519 --> 00:58:24.800
Sweet gulped at the thought she needed to stay in

743
00:58:24.840 --> 00:58:31.840
the hunt. Al groaned and rubbed a rising knot on

744
00:58:31.920 --> 00:58:34.800
the back of his head. The she clown had kicked

745
00:58:34.800 --> 00:58:38.599
his ass. He needed to fight smarter. If he made

746
00:58:38.599 --> 00:58:41.679
it to midnight, they'd all leave him alone. That's what

747
00:58:41.719 --> 00:58:44.719
they said. Anyhow, if you can't trust a clown to

748
00:58:44.840 --> 00:58:48.480
keep his word, then who can you trust. He crept

749
00:58:48.480 --> 00:58:51.639
along the hedge row following the shouted goating of one

750
00:58:51.639 --> 00:58:54.519
of his hunters. He slipped through a gap in the

751
00:58:54.559 --> 00:58:59.360
wall and realized he was standing in a maze. Of course,

752
00:58:59.360 --> 00:59:04.679
I fucking, he whispered. Well spaced led lights shone on

753
00:59:04.760 --> 00:59:07.679
the gravel track between the verdant walls on either side

754
00:59:07.719 --> 00:59:10.840
of him. They didn't give him much light, but enough

755
00:59:10.840 --> 00:59:13.679
to pick out the deep grooves of cowboy boot tracks.

756
00:59:14.679 --> 00:59:16.840
He stayed low, as much to keep his eye on

757
00:59:16.920 --> 00:59:21.119
the trail as to avoid detection. His sneakers gave him

758
00:59:21.159 --> 00:59:24.639
some advantage on the shifting rocks. As he moved through

759
00:59:24.679 --> 00:59:30.159
the corridors. The cowboy's voice grew louder. Then he heard

760
00:59:30.199 --> 00:59:33.960
the jingle jangle of the spurs. Al sank to his

761
00:59:34.039 --> 00:59:37.239
knees and crawled to the edge of another opening, peeking

762
00:59:37.280 --> 00:59:41.960
around cautiously. The boot heel struck him square in the forehead.

763
00:59:42.239 --> 00:59:45.800
Al toppled over, blinking spots from his vision. He got

764
00:59:45.800 --> 00:59:48.519
to his hands and knees when a kick met his ribs.

765
00:59:49.199 --> 00:59:53.239
Gid ye up, fuckeroo. He watched the rodeo clown thumbs

766
00:59:53.280 --> 00:59:56.480
hooked on his belt loops, dancing closer to him. The

767
00:59:56.559 --> 00:59:59.639
tie eye boots shuffled through the gravel and then buried

768
00:59:59.639 --> 01:00:04.079
into his side again and again. Al tried to escape.

769
01:00:04.400 --> 01:00:06.840
Waldo kept pace with the human kicking him like a

770
01:00:06.880 --> 01:00:09.760
soccer ball. As he rolled away from the deranged clown,

771
01:00:10.199 --> 01:00:12.840
Al felt the poke of branches in his back. When

772
01:00:12.840 --> 01:00:16.559
he reached the wall, another solid kick went into his gut.

773
01:00:16.679 --> 01:00:20.679
His microwave dinner splattered on the clown's boots. You dirty,

774
01:00:20.719 --> 01:00:25.039
some bitch, Waldo licked his glossy red lips. I'm gonna

775
01:00:25.079 --> 01:00:27.679
lie and dance your fucking face into puddin' for that.

776
01:00:28.320 --> 01:00:31.440
Waldo's smile faded when he saw the gun barrel jabbed

777
01:00:31.480 --> 01:00:34.280
into his crotch. He patted the air and took two

778
01:00:34.280 --> 01:00:37.880
steps back. Ever seen a clown juggle without any balls?

779
01:00:38.559 --> 01:00:41.880
Al groaned and pressed himself up, Keeping the gun trained

780
01:00:41.880 --> 01:00:45.440
on Waldo, he steadied his aim between the clown's eyes.

781
01:00:46.119 --> 01:00:49.840
You only got the one shot, partner, There's only one

782
01:00:49.880 --> 01:00:53.480
of you. Al straightened his aim and squeezed the trigger.

783
01:00:54.400 --> 01:00:57.079
The flag snapped out of the barrel, unfurling in an

784
01:00:57.079 --> 01:01:01.760
orange banner that read bang in bitch purple letters. Al

785
01:01:01.880 --> 01:01:05.039
sputtered his lips and shook his head. Waldo slapped his

786
01:01:05.159 --> 01:01:08.440
thighs and whooped happily. The clown danced in a circle,

787
01:01:08.639 --> 01:01:12.119
booming with laughter at the timeless gag He turned back

788
01:01:12.159 --> 01:01:14.840
around and snapped his fingers, holding them at his hips

789
01:01:14.880 --> 01:01:19.159
like firing pistols. The miniature flagstaff rammed straight through his eye.

790
01:01:19.599 --> 01:01:22.599
Al swung the dummy revolver like a hammer, driving the

791
01:01:22.639 --> 01:01:26.039
spike through the back of Waldo's skull. The flag sticking

792
01:01:26.039 --> 01:01:29.519
out of his face fluttered lightly in the breeze. Bang,

793
01:01:30.079 --> 01:01:33.519
you're dead. The gloved hands burst through the brush and

794
01:01:33.559 --> 01:01:36.679
seized Al around the throat. He battered the geometrically patterned

795
01:01:36.800 --> 01:01:40.639
yellow silk sleeves. His knuckles clanked off the oversized wristwatch.

796
01:01:40.719 --> 01:01:43.719
The clown's muscles tensed, and Al's face was pulled closer

797
01:01:43.760 --> 01:01:46.800
to the protruding branches. Al closed his eyes tightly, feeling

798
01:01:46.880 --> 01:01:49.079
the twigs clawing at his lips to get to the

799
01:01:49.079 --> 01:01:52.960
soft tissue beneath he who laughs last? Popsy shouted with

800
01:01:53.000 --> 01:01:56.000
the great guffaw. Al reached through the bush and grabbed

801
01:01:56.000 --> 01:01:59.119
the first thing he could. Popsy's laughter turned to high

802
01:01:59.159 --> 01:02:05.360
pitch wailing. Let me go, Al growled. Popsy's white gloved

803
01:02:05.360 --> 01:02:08.480
fingers sprang open, and Al released him. The human strolled

804
01:02:08.480 --> 01:02:11.920
around the corner, popping his knuckles. Popsy rubbed his sore

805
01:02:12.000 --> 01:02:16.719
crotch and growled angrily. All right, Bozo, big dick, it's

806
01:02:16.840 --> 01:02:20.599
just you and me, he said. We're about out of time.

807
01:02:21.400 --> 01:02:25.840
Popsy checked his watch. Shit, I really wanted to enjoy

808
01:02:25.920 --> 01:02:28.599
killing you, but I can't be late getting back to

809
01:02:28.639 --> 01:02:32.280
the church. Spent too many years in the shadow of FeNiS.

810
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:37.559
It's my time to be the white face. You killed

811
01:02:37.559 --> 01:02:42.039
your boss, didn't you. Popsy glared at him quizzically. How'd

812
01:02:42.039 --> 01:02:47.280
you know? Al shrugged. Everyone wants to kill their boss.

813
01:02:48.000 --> 01:02:51.599
Hugh killed FeNiS, a soft, melodic voice said from the

814
01:02:51.639 --> 01:02:55.079
shadow between the two lights. He was never going to

815
01:02:55.119 --> 01:02:57.599
rest until his egg was smashed. That's why you were

816
01:02:57.639 --> 01:03:00.239
in such a rush to kill this human. You two

817
01:03:00.400 --> 01:03:03.599
clearly have things to discuss. Al said, holding his hands

818
01:03:03.639 --> 01:03:08.119
up defensively. I'll show myself out. You're not going anywhere.

819
01:03:08.440 --> 01:03:13.440
Popsy adjusted his absurdly large tie. Sweet, I understand you're pissed.

820
01:03:13.960 --> 01:03:18.840
Sweet hobbled forward, brandishing her cleaver. Oh that's an understatement.

821
01:03:19.280 --> 01:03:22.960
If the human lives, Fennis becomes a pirole. Popsy drew

822
01:03:22.960 --> 01:03:26.239
his weapons from his pockets. We have to kill him first.

823
01:03:26.719 --> 01:03:30.639
It's the code. Sweet looked at Al, then back to Popsy.

824
01:03:30.960 --> 01:03:33.920
She kicked the gravel with a frustrated shriek. Two of

825
01:03:34.000 --> 01:03:37.199
us have a better chance, Sweet Popsy smiled at her.

826
01:03:37.760 --> 01:03:40.599
Al took his shot while the august was distracted. He

827
01:03:40.760 --> 01:03:42.960
lunged to tackle him, only for the hammer to come

828
01:03:43.000 --> 01:03:45.639
down on the small of his back. Popsy drove a

829
01:03:45.719 --> 01:03:49.199
knee into Al's chin. The human wrapped up in Popsy's legs.

830
01:03:49.599 --> 01:03:52.480
The clown shimmy trying to get his ridiculous shoes through

831
01:03:52.519 --> 01:03:57.400
Al's grip. Finish him, Sweet Popsy shouted. Sweet gripped the

832
01:03:57.440 --> 01:04:00.199
cleaver in both hands and raised it high as she

833
01:04:00.239 --> 01:04:05.800
stalked closer. Break the egg, Al yelled. Popsy stopped struggling.

834
01:04:06.199 --> 01:04:10.960
Sweet lowered her weapons slightly become the white face. Al said,

835
01:04:10.960 --> 01:04:16.239
shuffling his feet under him. Stop him, No, Popsy hissed.

836
01:04:16.760 --> 01:04:19.639
He glared at Al, then shot a glance to Sweet.

837
01:04:20.119 --> 01:04:22.760
Her tongue pressed against her cheek as she thought it over.

838
01:04:23.320 --> 01:04:26.440
If she smashed the egg, she would be the white face,

839
01:04:26.800 --> 01:04:29.320
and her and Crumb would send him to the alley

840
01:04:29.400 --> 01:04:33.239
for trial. That couldn't happen. There was only one punishment

841
01:04:33.280 --> 01:04:37.239
for jesterside. The thought of such horrors sent shivers up

842
01:04:37.280 --> 01:04:41.320
Popsy's spine and stealed his nerve. He swung his own cleaver.

843
01:04:42.000 --> 01:04:44.920
Sweet's head popped off her shoulders in a fountain of blood.

844
01:04:45.400 --> 01:04:48.719
She stumbled about, tripping over Al and collapsing beside him.

845
01:04:49.039 --> 01:04:55.840
The stump gushed. Her body twitched, and Popsy laughed malevolently. Sweetie,

846
01:04:56.239 --> 01:05:00.159
you always did give the best head. Al kicked offlling

847
01:05:00.239 --> 01:05:03.159
Popsy's legs out from under him. He grabbed Sweet's cleaver

848
01:05:03.239 --> 01:05:05.800
and swung at the august, slicing the toe of his

849
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:09.679
shoe off but missing the meat inside. Popsy rolled and

850
01:05:09.760 --> 01:05:12.119
kicked the knife from Al's hand before scrambling back to

851
01:05:12.159 --> 01:05:15.800
his feet. Al spotted Popsy's mallet and rolled across the ground,

852
01:05:15.880 --> 01:05:18.519
scooping it and coming to his knees in a single motion.

853
01:05:19.000 --> 01:05:22.159
Popsy brought his cleaver down for a killing blow. Al

854
01:05:22.239 --> 01:05:25.159
deflected it and smashed the clown's ankle with the hammer.

855
01:05:25.599 --> 01:05:28.960
Al tried to tackle him again and was successful. The

856
01:05:29.000 --> 01:05:32.519
mallet swung wildly. It struck Popsy's bright red nose with

857
01:05:32.559 --> 01:05:35.000
a squeak that drowned out the crunch of the bone.

858
01:05:35.880 --> 01:05:40.039
Al laughed it was all he could do, laugh and swing,

859
01:05:40.679 --> 01:05:49.159
hit and squeak over and over until Popsy's face collapsed

860
01:05:49.400 --> 01:05:52.679
and the mallet just made a sticky, thick smack with

861
01:05:52.800 --> 01:05:57.800
each repeated blow. Al finally stopped and came to his senses.

862
01:05:58.559 --> 01:06:02.119
He checked Popsy's watch and headed back to the church.

863
01:06:03.239 --> 01:06:06.719
There was still one clown left to kill, and only

864
01:06:06.800 --> 01:06:12.159
four minutes to do it in Al stepped into the

865
01:06:12.199 --> 01:06:15.519
clown church and saw Pastor Crumb writhing on the floor.

866
01:06:16.199 --> 01:06:18.639
The top of a white head with flocks of orange

867
01:06:18.679 --> 01:06:22.639
hair was buried in his abdomen, munching noisily on the

868
01:06:22.679 --> 01:06:27.760
pastor's guts. The pirot lifted its gore streaked face and hissed,

869
01:06:28.239 --> 01:06:31.000
you must be the famous Penis, the clown everyone's been

870
01:06:31.000 --> 01:06:35.199
telling me about. Fennis stood in a hunkered, crooked mockery

871
01:06:35.280 --> 01:06:39.639
of normalcy. He tore at his clothing, revealing the Farcemeister

872
01:06:39.760 --> 01:06:44.199
family name across his powerful chest. The clown's bared teeth

873
01:06:44.440 --> 01:06:47.719
wiggled in their sockets and fell away as fangs pushed

874
01:06:47.719 --> 01:06:51.039
through the gums to take their place. Smoke rose from

875
01:06:51.039 --> 01:06:54.159
his pores, steaming his grease paint from his face and

876
01:06:54.199 --> 01:06:57.480
taking the flesh with it. Bones showed through in the

877
01:06:57.519 --> 01:07:00.679
original pattern of his make up. The clown shuddered and

878
01:07:00.760 --> 01:07:03.800
his chest tore open with a great blooming flower that

879
01:07:03.920 --> 01:07:07.199
spurted its nectar into steaming puddles on the floor. The

880
01:07:07.239 --> 01:07:10.920
pirot lunged forward. Al cocked backed the mallet and took

881
01:07:11.000 --> 01:07:13.599
aim at the egg resting on its pedestal. He flung

882
01:07:13.639 --> 01:07:17.840
the weapon at it and missed. The hammer sailed harmlessly

883
01:07:17.880 --> 01:07:20.760
over it and struck the massive cross behind the podium.

884
01:07:21.000 --> 01:07:24.599
The ornament rocked on its hangars. FeNiS drew closer to Al,

885
01:07:24.880 --> 01:07:28.000
running his now clawed hands tearing at the floorboards like

886
01:07:28.039 --> 01:07:31.199
a circuits monkey. FeNiS sprang into the air. The clown

887
01:07:31.280 --> 01:07:35.000
seemed to fall in slow motion as Al awaited his demise.

888
01:07:35.960 --> 01:07:39.159
The cross crashed down on Penis's coffin, knocking it into

889
01:07:39.199 --> 01:07:41.960
the pedestal and tipping it over. The vermilion egg hit

890
01:07:42.000 --> 01:07:44.840
the floor a moment before FeNiS landed on Al. The

891
01:07:44.880 --> 01:07:48.920
egg shattered, splattering the floor with its gooey, unnatural contents.

892
01:07:49.519 --> 01:07:52.840
FeNiS exploded. The force knocked Awl to the floor ahead

893
01:07:52.840 --> 01:07:55.320
of a tidal wave of viscera and blood that washed

894
01:07:55.360 --> 01:07:58.400
over him. He worked to untangle himself from a length

895
01:07:58.440 --> 01:08:03.920
of intestine and stood up, dripping with clown goo. I'll

896
01:08:03.960 --> 01:08:07.719
probably laugh about this later. He spat out a piece

897
01:08:07.719 --> 01:08:12.320
of flesh and shook his head. I hate clowns. Al

898
01:08:12.400 --> 01:08:15.480
limped toward the exit. He just wanted to go home,

899
01:08:16.119 --> 01:08:19.399
back to his shitty basement apartment with his hot pockets

900
01:08:19.399 --> 01:08:21.760
and his porn collection, and he never wanted to see

901
01:08:21.800 --> 01:08:25.079
another fucking clown. He threw open the door of the

902
01:08:25.199 --> 01:08:29.239
church and groaned. Sweet was ambling toward him with her

903
01:08:29.279 --> 01:08:32.760
head in her hands. Blippy dragged his remains across the

904
01:08:32.760 --> 01:08:36.359
graveyard lawn. The snapping of the bang flag blowing in

905
01:08:36.399 --> 01:08:39.680
the wind drew his attention to Waldo helping Popsy navigate

906
01:08:39.680 --> 01:08:43.399
the headstones. Al slammed the door and backed away from it.

907
01:08:43.960 --> 01:08:48.840
The knobs started to turn. It's midnight, He sobbed. I

908
01:08:48.960 --> 01:08:53.520
made it. This isn't fair. No, A pair of bloody

909
01:08:53.560 --> 01:08:56.920
hands clutched his shoulders and passed her. Crumb leaned close

910
01:08:56.960 --> 01:09:01.239
to his ear with a giggle. It's a circus. The

911
01:09:01.279 --> 01:09:05.319
door creaked open, and the others shambled in. Crumb bit

912
01:09:05.399 --> 01:09:08.319
into Al's cheek, and the others closed in around him.

913
01:09:08.479 --> 01:09:10.920
Al saw their fangs and the bones showing where their

914
01:09:10.920 --> 01:09:13.800
makeup had been. There was no one left in the shutter,

915
01:09:14.159 --> 01:09:17.119
no one to bring their souls to joy anymore. Sweep

916
01:09:17.159 --> 01:09:19.239
threw her head at him, and the damn thing latched

917
01:09:19.239 --> 01:09:21.600
onto his chest. While Crumb dragged him to the floor.

918
01:09:22.279 --> 01:09:26.159
Popsy stood over him. His words came in a gurgled mess.

919
01:09:27.680 --> 01:09:45.039
Left Never Dies Last Stand by Rob Fields. I was

920
01:09:45.119 --> 01:09:50.359
looking at Empress Trinidar through my interdimensional wrist comp hell

921
01:09:50.439 --> 01:09:54.039
Weaver has the reality sphere in her possession. It would

922
01:09:54.039 --> 01:09:57.399
only have taken her moments to breach our security protocols.

923
01:09:57.880 --> 01:10:00.640
Even your mentor was unable to hold her in her

924
01:10:00.680 --> 01:10:05.960
insane quest. My eyes went wide. You've got to be

925
01:10:06.039 --> 01:10:10.880
kidding me, Mom, hell Weaver actually defeated Master Chando, the

926
01:10:10.960 --> 01:10:14.920
greatest of the entire km I clan. Mom looked dismal.

927
01:10:15.479 --> 01:10:17.920
I was just as taken aback as you are, daughter.

928
01:10:18.640 --> 01:10:22.760
I narrowed my eyes. That means hell Weaver even got

929
01:10:22.800 --> 01:10:29.279
by whisper. My sister, Trinidar gave me a look of sadness. Unfortunately,

930
01:10:29.359 --> 01:10:34.079
your sister too fell before hell Weaver. She was actually

931
01:10:34.119 --> 01:10:39.119
the last to fall before I, but she lives. I

932
01:10:39.199 --> 01:10:42.439
bit my lower lip then the five of us are

933
01:10:42.479 --> 01:10:47.119
all that's left. The Empress looked grim. Now now you

934
01:10:47.279 --> 01:10:50.439
understand why Queen Chai Ai Lan and I have agreed

935
01:10:50.479 --> 01:10:52.920
that it was time for the battleground to come together

936
01:10:53.039 --> 01:10:56.680
once more. You five are all that remains in the

937
01:10:56.720 --> 01:11:00.479
known universe who are capable of stopping Hell Weaver from

938
01:11:00.479 --> 01:11:07.279
accomplishing her insane quest. The battleguard must not fall to her. Suddenly,

939
01:11:07.399 --> 01:11:11.920
Princess guieney Aari came into my space. My brothers and

940
01:11:12.039 --> 01:11:14.840
sisters and I shall pass on valiantly. If we should

941
01:11:14.880 --> 01:11:18.199
fail to counter hell Weaver by our lives, we shall

942
01:11:18.239 --> 01:11:22.479
never allow her to accomplish her insanity on this vast multiverse.

943
01:11:23.680 --> 01:11:28.119
And you can believe that, Mom, I quickly agreed, Trinidaar

944
01:11:28.239 --> 01:11:33.000
continued to show distress. You five are our last hope. Now, daughter,

945
01:11:33.520 --> 01:11:38.079
I know your mentor Master Chondiao has heavily instilled the

946
01:11:38.119 --> 01:11:42.000
importance of life within you, one of your finest qualities.

947
01:11:43.000 --> 01:11:45.840
If we must destroy hell Weaver to save the multiverse,

948
01:11:46.399 --> 01:11:50.880
then so be it, I replied with finality. Hell Weaver

949
01:11:51.000 --> 01:11:56.479
shall be upon you very soon. Trinidar warned, I know

950
01:11:56.560 --> 01:11:59.199
where you're going with this, Mom, but if we have

951
01:11:59.319 --> 01:12:02.600
anything to say about it, we will see each other again.

952
01:12:03.359 --> 01:12:06.279
I felt an icy, cold tear run down my cheek.

953
01:12:07.399 --> 01:12:11.239
You are biologically my aunt, but you're the only real

954
01:12:11.279 --> 01:12:15.520
mother I've ever known and loved. My heart is yours,

955
01:12:15.920 --> 01:12:20.600
Trinidar gave me a soft, compassionate look. While you and

956
01:12:20.720 --> 01:12:24.239
Whisper were never born to me, you are both my

957
01:12:24.399 --> 01:12:30.760
young My heart is yours. She looked hurt. Now, gien Hillari,

958
01:12:31.520 --> 01:12:34.119
I know you will stand by my daughter. As you

959
01:12:34.159 --> 01:12:37.680
both feel the bonds of sisterhood. You must stand by

960
01:12:37.720 --> 01:12:42.479
one another now more than ever. The princess's expression had

961
01:12:42.479 --> 01:12:47.960
never faltered. Despair, not empress, Thine daughter is sisterhood unto myself.

962
01:12:48.479 --> 01:12:51.079
You comprehend that my life is to her and hers

963
01:12:51.439 --> 01:12:55.920
is to mine. All of the battleguard are of mine.

964
01:12:56.119 --> 01:12:59.800
Of this, I am solemn with thee. Then end can

965
01:13:00.079 --> 01:13:06.720
munication now and be of readiness. Trinidar commanded. Our communication ended.

966
01:13:07.359 --> 01:13:11.319
Yenillai put a gentle hand on my shoulder. When it

967
01:13:11.359 --> 01:13:14.600
came to a warrior woman like her, you wouldn't think

968
01:13:14.640 --> 01:13:19.079
that emotion was something she would show. This light blue skinned,

969
01:13:19.199 --> 01:13:22.880
dark haired warrior princess showed me many qualities that were

970
01:13:22.920 --> 01:13:27.560
prevalent in my former teammate and recently lost beloved Halki.

971
01:13:28.840 --> 01:13:31.800
Though you couldn't really see her emotions in her blank

972
01:13:32.119 --> 01:13:37.600
white eyes, her face said enough, we shall achieve victory, sister.

973
01:13:38.720 --> 01:13:42.039
Though I was still hurting emotionally, I knew that Halki

974
01:13:42.079 --> 01:13:45.159
would have wanted me to go on. I was a fighter,

975
01:13:45.840 --> 01:13:50.119
just like Yen Gillari. I glanced her way. Believe it.

976
01:13:50.880 --> 01:13:55.159
We turned to face the rest of the battleguard. Carly Richmond,

977
01:13:55.680 --> 01:13:59.439
one of two Third worlders, glared at us. With Carly,

978
01:13:59.600 --> 01:14:03.680
she always looked pissed. Also, she always wore her cheerleading

979
01:14:03.680 --> 01:14:07.000
outfit from her high school. As far as she was concerned,

980
01:14:07.239 --> 01:14:09.760
she had been a cheerleader since she was a little girl,

981
01:14:10.159 --> 01:14:13.079
and that would be how she would go. The fiery

982
01:14:13.159 --> 01:14:17.600
red hair and blue eyes always showed off her negative feelings.

983
01:14:18.039 --> 01:14:22.000
Where fucked aren't we? Carly was one girl that Princess

984
01:14:22.039 --> 01:14:27.880
Giangillari did not have patience for. When are we of battleguard?

985
01:14:28.000 --> 01:14:33.680
Never not fucked third worlder? Bite me, she fired back.

986
01:14:34.680 --> 01:14:37.079
While she may not have liked Carly as a person,

987
01:14:37.560 --> 01:14:41.760
she did admire the raging inferno that burned hot within her.

988
01:14:42.399 --> 01:14:47.159
She was never afraid to speak her mind. Easy, you two,

989
01:14:47.600 --> 01:14:50.920
I interjected, save your anger and rage for hell Weaver,

990
01:14:51.520 --> 01:14:57.600
not each other. Gianggiari's expression softened. You speak true, sister.

991
01:14:58.760 --> 01:15:02.720
Carly glanced over her shoulder to Max Considine, the other

992
01:15:02.840 --> 01:15:06.000
Third worlder for years. These two had known each other.

993
01:15:06.560 --> 01:15:08.840
While Carly grew up to be one of the popular

994
01:15:08.920 --> 01:15:12.600
cheerleaders at her high school, Max would belong to outcasts

995
01:15:12.640 --> 01:15:15.520
who came to be known as geeks, and one who

996
01:15:15.560 --> 01:15:18.680
would never back down from a bully, no matter how

997
01:15:18.720 --> 01:15:23.119
threatening he or she might have been. Max showed determination

998
01:15:23.319 --> 01:15:26.479
that he wouldn't back down from hell Weaver once she

999
01:15:26.520 --> 01:15:30.319
would arrive. Max had such a strong will that he

1000
01:15:30.359 --> 01:15:32.920
was able to harness the very magics that he played

1001
01:15:32.920 --> 01:15:36.720
in his card games with his friends, but Carly would

1002
01:15:36.760 --> 01:15:40.600
prove to be the most powerful magic to him. Carly

1003
01:15:40.720 --> 01:15:44.640
seemed to be distressed as Max approached her. I've always

1004
01:15:44.680 --> 01:15:47.960
been able to feel you, she snapped. You've told me

1005
01:15:48.079 --> 01:15:51.239
and told me, but I'll never fucking understand why you

1006
01:15:51.279 --> 01:15:54.239
would love a bitch like me. You know you could

1007
01:15:54.239 --> 01:15:58.279
do so much better than me. He wrapped gentle arms

1008
01:15:58.319 --> 01:16:02.640
around her from behind. She breathed heavily, like she would

1009
01:16:02.680 --> 01:16:06.119
turn around and strike him down, but she took hold

1010
01:16:06.159 --> 01:16:10.000
of his arms and held him to her. You are

1011
01:16:10.039 --> 01:16:13.159
the only one I will ever love, Carly. You know

1012
01:16:13.279 --> 01:16:16.600
that I will love you until our last days, no

1013
01:16:16.680 --> 01:16:21.399
matter what. Carly began to cry softly. Max was the

1014
01:16:21.439 --> 01:16:25.520
only one who could make her do that very thing. Max,

1015
01:16:26.399 --> 01:16:28.840
you're such a fucking idiot to put up with me,

1016
01:16:29.800 --> 01:16:33.239
She paused, What the fuck will you do with two

1017
01:16:33.279 --> 01:16:41.399
of us? Two of I don't Max's jaw dropped. Oh my,

1018
01:16:41.720 --> 01:16:46.399
are you? Carly smiled a little and nodded quickly. She

1019
01:16:46.520 --> 01:16:48.840
took his hand and put it on her bare stomach.

1020
01:16:49.640 --> 01:16:54.359
I'm carrying our daughter, Max, She choked, almost two months.

1021
01:16:55.159 --> 01:16:59.479
Max hugged her tight. She returned his affections. We have

1022
01:16:59.560 --> 01:17:03.800
to beat hell Weaver, Carly. We have to. I noticed

1023
01:17:03.800 --> 01:17:06.640
that Derek Salinger had been staring off into space for

1024
01:17:06.720 --> 01:17:10.800
quite a while. How long, I asked him. We don't

1025
01:17:10.840 --> 01:17:15.960
have much Salinger replied, A matter of short minutes. Really

1026
01:17:15.960 --> 01:17:19.439
doesn't give us much time to plan. Max said no.

1027
01:17:20.039 --> 01:17:23.279
Salinger agreed, we may have to battle hell Weaver with

1028
01:17:23.319 --> 01:17:27.199
everything we have. We shall never relent until our battle

1029
01:17:27.239 --> 01:17:32.319
guard has fallen or hell weaver. Princess gian Gillari declared

1030
01:17:32.319 --> 01:17:36.119
to Salinger. I was probably the only one among us

1031
01:17:36.159 --> 01:17:40.439
that knew of Princess gian Guillari's feelings towards Salinger. She

1032
01:17:40.560 --> 01:17:42.520
may not have noticed that I had seen how she

1033
01:17:42.600 --> 01:17:45.479
gazed at him. I felt she would have pursued him

1034
01:17:45.920 --> 01:17:48.520
had she not known about he and my sister Whisper.

1035
01:17:49.399 --> 01:17:52.680
Salinger was the strongest of us by far in terms

1036
01:17:52.720 --> 01:17:55.920
of strength. In a way, Salinger and Carly were two

1037
01:17:55.920 --> 01:17:59.600
of a kind. They both possessed some form of rage.

1038
01:18:00.159 --> 01:18:04.279
Carly's rage came as a blessing from a goddess, while

1039
01:18:04.399 --> 01:18:08.319
Salinger's was the result of bonding with an entity known

1040
01:18:08.399 --> 01:18:12.399
as the nijek Enyo. This entity fed on the evil

1041
01:18:12.520 --> 01:18:15.640
energies of those he did battle with. In turn, he

1042
01:18:15.680 --> 01:18:20.239
gained great powers from the ninjek Enyo. When it came

1043
01:18:20.279 --> 01:18:24.800
to Salinger, I could easily see why Princess Jiangillari would

1044
01:18:24.840 --> 01:18:28.359
have gladly given herself to him if he would have

1045
01:18:28.399 --> 01:18:32.359
only but asked her. She understood that he and my

1046
01:18:32.479 --> 01:18:35.479
sister Whisper were with each other, and never made a

1047
01:18:35.520 --> 01:18:39.880
move to try and come between them. Jiangiari was the

1048
01:18:39.920 --> 01:18:44.560
proud daughter of Queen chai A Lan of Garanthan. Her

1049
01:18:44.600 --> 01:18:47.439
mother had always wanted her to be a proper princess.

1050
01:18:48.079 --> 01:18:51.720
She was of great royalty and would inherit her mother's

1051
01:18:51.760 --> 01:18:56.520
crown one day, but Giangiari had other ideas. She was

1052
01:18:56.520 --> 01:18:59.800
not opposed to succeeding her mother, But her father was

1053
01:18:59.800 --> 01:19:03.039
a mighty warrior who had inspired her to strive for

1054
01:19:03.159 --> 01:19:07.079
more if she truly wanted it. She trained under many

1055
01:19:07.119 --> 01:19:11.079
of his best warriors and other masters. She was determined

1056
01:19:11.119 --> 01:19:13.760
to be the best of all of her father's armies.

1057
01:19:14.960 --> 01:19:19.239
When Yanghiari's father was on his deathbed, Queen chi'a Lan

1058
01:19:19.760 --> 01:19:22.920
held a contest to determine who would take his place

1059
01:19:22.960 --> 01:19:26.760
as the commander of her elite guard. Do you know

1060
01:19:26.840 --> 01:19:30.359
the origin story of Wonder Woman, then you know how

1061
01:19:30.399 --> 01:19:34.680
this story plays out. The only difference was that Gianghiari

1062
01:19:35.039 --> 01:19:38.319
didn't wear a mask to hide her identity. While Queen

1063
01:19:38.399 --> 01:19:41.960
chi'a Lan hadn't approved of her only daughter being in

1064
01:19:42.000 --> 01:19:45.760
the competition, she could not stop her. It was her

1065
01:19:45.800 --> 01:19:48.960
mother's own word that all had the right to compete

1066
01:19:49.319 --> 01:19:53.800
for the coveted commander of the Elite Guard, Rank Empress Trinidar,

1067
01:19:54.039 --> 01:19:58.840
learned of these warriors and gathered them, placing me among them.

1068
01:19:59.800 --> 01:20:02.880
Ta ask was to help preserve peace in our universe,

1069
01:20:03.680 --> 01:20:07.560
and together the five of us were as one. We

1070
01:20:07.680 --> 01:20:12.720
became the Battleguard. The five of us stood together. As

1071
01:20:12.800 --> 01:20:16.680
Salinger pointed in the direction of hell Weaver, we could

1072
01:20:16.720 --> 01:20:19.359
easily see her riding on the back of one of

1073
01:20:19.359 --> 01:20:24.199
her winged demons in the cloudless, blood red sky. We

1074
01:20:24.279 --> 01:20:27.720
could even see the glow of the reality Sphere in

1075
01:20:27.840 --> 01:20:32.119
her hands. The Reality Sphere was an ancient artifact as

1076
01:20:32.159 --> 01:20:35.279
old as time that would allow the bearer to shape

1077
01:20:35.279 --> 01:20:39.399
the very fabric of reality to anything they could conceive.

1078
01:20:40.720 --> 01:20:44.960
Hell Weaver had uncovered this once lost sphere and made

1079
01:20:45.000 --> 01:20:49.600
a plan to transform the entire multiverse into a nightmarish

1080
01:20:49.640 --> 01:20:54.359
realm such as her own, only on a scale many

1081
01:20:54.520 --> 01:21:00.119
times larger. Hell Weaver's winged demon had finally landed. Now

1082
01:21:00.239 --> 01:21:03.119
it would become our sole purpose to keep her from

1083
01:21:03.199 --> 01:21:07.760
reaching the Infinity Corps, the very epicenter of the multiverse,

1084
01:21:08.279 --> 01:21:11.880
and dropping the reality Sphere into it, which would create

1085
01:21:11.920 --> 01:21:14.840
the new reality she had forged inside of the Sphere.

1086
01:21:15.640 --> 01:21:19.279
We had to stop her or die in our efforts.

1087
01:21:20.000 --> 01:21:22.920
We waited and watched as hell Weaver took her time

1088
01:21:23.000 --> 01:21:27.119
on dismounting her demon. She held the Reality Sphere in

1089
01:21:27.159 --> 01:21:29.600
her arm as she saw the five of us who

1090
01:21:29.600 --> 01:21:33.000
would be the last line of defense between her and

1091
01:21:33.079 --> 01:21:36.520
the Infinity Corps. I was the only one among us

1092
01:21:36.520 --> 01:21:40.760
who had faced hell Weaver each time she had bested me.

1093
01:21:41.680 --> 01:21:45.199
While Salinger was the strongest of us physically, I was

1094
01:21:45.279 --> 01:21:49.800
easily the most powerful. Even my own superpowers were limited

1095
01:21:49.840 --> 01:21:54.600
against the demonic goddess herself. Is this truly all that

1096
01:21:54.720 --> 01:21:59.039
remains to face me? Hell Weaver asked to no one

1097
01:21:59.079 --> 01:22:04.039
in particular. Looking upon her, her appearance was much like

1098
01:22:04.119 --> 01:22:08.199
that of a sucubus. In fact, all succubi are her daughter's.

1099
01:22:08.840 --> 01:22:12.439
Hell Weaver was certainly not a sexual creature, though she

1100
01:22:12.520 --> 01:22:15.800
was every bit as beautiful as one. Her eyes were

1101
01:22:15.880 --> 01:22:19.880
like two fiery jewels, her horns were like blades that

1102
01:22:19.960 --> 01:22:23.199
were attached to the sides of her head. In fact,

1103
01:22:23.600 --> 01:22:26.800
the armor she wore around her torso and her lower region,

1104
01:22:27.159 --> 01:22:29.439
as well as her shoulders, made her look as though

1105
01:22:29.479 --> 01:22:34.000
she was a hybrid of demon and machine. Her hands

1106
01:22:34.000 --> 01:22:37.720
were more clawlike than humanoid. Her claws themselves appeared to

1107
01:22:37.760 --> 01:22:41.760
glow hot. She also had a long tail with a

1108
01:22:41.960 --> 01:22:46.479
very sharp point on the end. Even her metallic wings

1109
01:22:46.479 --> 01:22:50.600
were perfect enough to allow her to fly gracefully and

1110
01:22:50.800 --> 01:22:55.520
slice anyone unfortunate enough to get too close to her.

1111
01:22:56.359 --> 01:22:59.319
I was unfortunate enough to be scratched by hell Weaver

1112
01:22:59.359 --> 01:23:03.399
when I battled against her. Even though I'm bitterly cold inside,

1113
01:23:03.439 --> 01:23:07.159
I could still feel the burning of her claws. My

1114
01:23:07.319 --> 01:23:11.079
skin quickly healed up, but I've never forgotten that heat.

1115
01:23:12.000 --> 01:23:14.880
Just seeing those eyes made me glad. I was fast

1116
01:23:14.960 --> 01:23:18.840
enough to be able to avoid her eye beams. Also

1117
01:23:18.920 --> 01:23:21.640
the fireballs and flames she could shoot from her hands

1118
01:23:21.640 --> 01:23:25.359
and mouth. Even the end of her tail burned to

1119
01:23:25.479 --> 01:23:29.640
the touch. I stepped in front of others and said

1120
01:23:29.640 --> 01:23:33.119
to her, leave the sphere, get back on your demon

1121
01:23:33.199 --> 01:23:37.359
and leave. You live, you stay and fight, You're as

1122
01:23:37.399 --> 01:23:41.800
good as dead. Hell Weaver's smile told us we were

1123
01:23:41.880 --> 01:23:44.960
no match for her. As she walked casually towards us,

1124
01:23:45.520 --> 01:23:49.720
we readied our powers and weapons. I have bested many

1125
01:23:49.800 --> 01:23:53.199
times better than the five of you, Hell Weaver said.

1126
01:23:53.920 --> 01:23:59.079
Even your beloved fell to me. Blue Girl I choked up,

1127
01:23:59.600 --> 01:24:03.039
but I forced my emotions back. Now was not the

1128
01:24:03.119 --> 01:24:07.000
time for this. Hell Weaver smiled again, telling me she

1129
01:24:07.119 --> 01:24:10.079
knew that she had gotten to me. Halkey put up

1130
01:24:10.079 --> 01:24:16.720
a good fight against hell Weaver, but she she are

1131
01:24:16.760 --> 01:24:19.640
you prepared to be swift for battle once more? Sister

1132
01:24:20.119 --> 01:24:25.039
Princess gian Guillari asked, will your skills again prove grand

1133
01:24:25.119 --> 01:24:28.199
for victory? She was referring to my training in the

1134
01:24:28.319 --> 01:24:32.239
quay my arts. In the beginning, Master Sean di Howe

1135
01:24:32.600 --> 01:24:36.119
treated me as his student. While he had never beaten

1136
01:24:36.199 --> 01:24:39.760
me or admonished me for making mistakes, he was gentle,

1137
01:24:39.840 --> 01:24:43.359
yet his lessons were hard. As time went on, I

1138
01:24:43.439 --> 01:24:48.000
came to hold great respect and admiration for him. Likewise,

1139
01:24:48.039 --> 01:24:51.640
he came to see me as his daughter and called

1140
01:24:51.680 --> 01:24:55.560
me so. He had trained many a quay may, but

1141
01:24:55.680 --> 01:24:59.039
I was his first that was both alien and female.

1142
01:24:59.800 --> 01:25:02.880
Had to fight and defeat him in one final confrontation

1143
01:25:03.399 --> 01:25:05.640
in order to be given a ranking in the clan.

1144
01:25:06.720 --> 01:25:10.239
When Empress Trinidar had given me to him, she asked

1145
01:25:10.279 --> 01:25:13.880
him to create a grand master like himself. The only

1146
01:25:13.920 --> 01:25:16.680
way I could attain this level would be to actually

1147
01:25:16.720 --> 01:25:20.600
defeat my master in final combat, I defeated him in

1148
01:25:20.640 --> 01:25:23.680
a hard fought battle to become the first and only

1149
01:25:24.399 --> 01:25:28.960
female grand master in the Quaimi clan. Master Sean Dao

1150
01:25:29.439 --> 01:25:32.039
gave me the grand Master's mark, which I first wore

1151
01:25:32.079 --> 01:25:34.840
on my arm before I attached it to the front

1152
01:25:34.880 --> 01:25:39.159
of my choker. I faced my battleguard's sister. If I'm

1153
01:25:39.199 --> 01:25:42.840
to die today, Jian Giri, it'll be as both Quaymi

1154
01:25:43.279 --> 01:25:48.560
and as a battleguard. We are not fucking dying, Carly

1155
01:25:48.680 --> 01:25:53.720
hissed with titan fists. You speak true, sister, Gyanghi Ari

1156
01:25:53.920 --> 01:25:58.439
agreed with grim determination. I'm not planning on it. I

1157
01:25:58.600 --> 01:26:02.399
further agreed, and then my blue hair shimmered and glistened

1158
01:26:02.720 --> 01:26:06.239
as a third world fiber optic Noel tree would. Our

1159
01:26:06.319 --> 01:26:12.560
final battle was about to begin. Stand fast, Salinger yelled.

1160
01:26:12.960 --> 01:26:18.159
Hell Weaver flew right at us, face me. Suddenly, Salinger

1161
01:26:18.199 --> 01:26:21.720
stepped up and threw two powerful fists at hell Weaver.

1162
01:26:22.560 --> 01:26:25.319
The enemy was soon on her knees, but she would

1163
01:26:25.359 --> 01:26:29.119
not fall. She lifted herself up, only to feel Salinger's

1164
01:26:29.199 --> 01:26:33.199
rage fueled fists once more. I had never been on

1165
01:26:33.239 --> 01:26:36.199
the receiving end of his fists thanks to my great speed,

1166
01:26:36.720 --> 01:26:40.960
and I knew I never wished to be Princess Gianguyri

1167
01:26:41.319 --> 01:26:44.239
stepped up and slammed one end of her laser bow

1168
01:26:44.399 --> 01:26:48.560
into hell Weaver's face, into her stomach, her face again,

1169
01:26:49.039 --> 01:26:51.439
then she spun around and caught her in the throat.

1170
01:26:51.800 --> 01:26:54.960
Salinger continued to punish hell Weaver so that she ended

1171
01:26:55.039 --> 01:26:58.680
up on her knees again, but she still would not fall.

1172
01:26:59.359 --> 01:27:02.399
Hell Weaver would quickly on her feet again. She looked

1173
01:27:02.399 --> 01:27:05.439
at us as if asking if that was all we had.

1174
01:27:06.199 --> 01:27:09.439
I utilized my super speed and stepped in to deliver

1175
01:27:09.560 --> 01:27:13.840
some hard fists and kicks. Utilizing my fighting skills, I

1176
01:27:13.920 --> 01:27:17.600
sent Hell Weaver flying backward, but again she remained on

1177
01:27:17.720 --> 01:27:21.199
her feet. Max stepped forward. In his left hand, he

1178
01:27:21.199 --> 01:27:24.600
held some cards with different magic spells. With his right,

1179
01:27:24.680 --> 01:27:27.520
he unleashed his power. I quickly backed up and then

1180
01:27:27.560 --> 01:27:30.840
ascended to the air to keep myself at a safe distance.

1181
01:27:31.520 --> 01:27:35.520
Four different colored energies crackled around Hell Weaver. The enemy

1182
01:27:35.640 --> 01:27:39.720
was again to her knees as Max's magic's intensified. While

1183
01:27:39.760 --> 01:27:43.800
Max's magic was very powerful, I wasn't sure how effective

1184
01:27:43.840 --> 01:27:47.520
it would be against Hell Weaver. The magics crackled and

1185
01:27:47.560 --> 01:27:52.520
bathed hell Weaver in their powerful energies. Max's eyes glowed

1186
01:27:52.560 --> 01:27:55.840
brightly as he fueled the magics with his powerful will.

1187
01:27:56.760 --> 01:27:59.479
It didn't take long for hell Weaver to slowly move

1188
01:27:59.560 --> 01:28:03.880
and return to her feet. Clearly Max's projections were having

1189
01:28:03.920 --> 01:28:07.840
little effect on her. I quickly assisted Max by firing

1190
01:28:07.920 --> 01:28:11.479
ice powers from both my hands and eyes. Hell Weaver

1191
01:28:11.640 --> 01:28:16.239
slowly moved against our powers. Then I saw Max's beautiful,

1192
01:28:16.680 --> 01:28:20.239
deadly better half step up. She had never been more

1193
01:28:20.359 --> 01:28:23.840
enraged in her entire life. Her rage took form as

1194
01:28:23.960 --> 01:28:28.239
dark energies crackled around her. Her eyes turned to a deadly,

1195
01:28:28.359 --> 01:28:32.880
deep shade of red, similar to hell Weaver's. Suddenly, her

1196
01:28:33.039 --> 01:28:36.159
arms shot out and her hands released intense bolts of

1197
01:28:36.479 --> 01:28:40.359
pure rage. Hell Weaver found herself on her knees again.

1198
01:28:41.359 --> 01:28:45.399
Princess gian Gilli and Salinger could only stand by since

1199
01:28:45.439 --> 01:28:49.960
they had no projection powers. Max suddenly stopped throwing magic.

1200
01:28:50.399 --> 01:28:53.560
He was exhausted and would need minutes for his energies

1201
01:28:53.560 --> 01:28:57.840
to peak before unleashing his magics again. I was focusing

1202
01:28:57.840 --> 01:29:00.800
myself for another go at Hell Weaver once the others

1203
01:29:00.800 --> 01:29:05.000
were out of the way, leave her to me. Carly yelled,

1204
01:29:05.520 --> 01:29:10.960
She's mine. I hovered and watched. I also ceased my powers.

1205
01:29:11.479 --> 01:29:15.600
Carly laughed crazily. As her rage increased. We could see

1206
01:29:15.720 --> 01:29:18.800
smoke rising from hell Weaver, to the point that she

1207
01:29:18.920 --> 01:29:25.439
actually caught on fire. Die came Carly's blood curdling, insane scream.

1208
01:29:26.239 --> 01:29:28.760
I never knew that a third worlder, let alone one

1209
01:29:28.840 --> 01:29:31.960
with the rage of a goddess, could find so much

1210
01:29:32.000 --> 01:29:35.279
hatred inside of her. Was this rage all pent up

1211
01:29:35.279 --> 01:29:39.920
over time? Or was she just a being of pure rage?

1212
01:29:40.000 --> 01:29:44.880
Just fucking die? Carly screamed at the top of her lungs.

1213
01:29:45.439 --> 01:29:49.000
In spite of how much hell Weaver burned, she absolutely

1214
01:29:49.079 --> 01:29:53.079
would not stay down. She only sank to her knees

1215
01:29:53.359 --> 01:29:56.840
and kept getting back to her feet. This only made

1216
01:29:56.920 --> 01:30:01.039
Carly madder and madder. We could actually hear the humming

1217
01:30:01.159 --> 01:30:05.079
coming from the energies that crackled from her. Her energies

1218
01:30:05.079 --> 01:30:09.520
were now completely white, as in white hot. Carly was

1219
01:30:09.600 --> 01:30:12.119
so pissed off now that I wasn't sure if any

1220
01:30:12.199 --> 01:30:15.760
of us could calm her down. But hell Weaver refused

1221
01:30:15.760 --> 01:30:20.720
to stay down. She refused to die. Hell Weaver walked

1222
01:30:20.720 --> 01:30:24.119
against Carly's power, she would not be knocked to her

1223
01:30:24.199 --> 01:30:28.479
knees again. Salinger must have known, too, because he walked

1224
01:30:28.520 --> 01:30:31.399
up behind Carly and wrapped his arms around her midsection.

1225
01:30:32.279 --> 01:30:36.159
Carly now screamed to the point where dark clouds suddenly

1226
01:30:36.199 --> 01:30:40.720
formed over us. Then white lightning shot down at hell Weaver,

1227
01:30:41.399 --> 01:30:46.439
and then I understood Salinger was channeling the energies from

1228
01:30:46.479 --> 01:30:51.640
the Netch Genyo entity directly into Carly. Carly laughed maniacally

1229
01:30:51.680 --> 01:30:55.199
as her rage grew even hotter still, but hell Weaver

1230
01:30:55.439 --> 01:30:59.600
still would not go down. She continued to push against

1231
01:30:59.600 --> 01:31:03.640
their comind energies. I knew she would eventually reach Carly

1232
01:31:04.039 --> 01:31:07.800
and kill her as well as her unborn child if

1233
01:31:07.800 --> 01:31:11.720
something wasn't done. I had to act immediately and hoped

1234
01:31:11.720 --> 01:31:14.520
that my icy powers would be enough to protect me

1235
01:31:14.880 --> 01:31:18.279
against Carly's I dropped to the ground and ran toward

1236
01:31:18.319 --> 01:31:21.880
hell Weaver. From there, I began releasing a barrage of

1237
01:31:21.960 --> 01:31:26.800
super speed punches. Never, I shouted, you will never reach

1238
01:31:26.840 --> 01:31:31.039
the Infinity Core, and then hell Weaver fought back. She

1239
01:31:31.239 --> 01:31:34.760
raised her hand and began blocking Carly's rage. She put

1240
01:31:34.800 --> 01:31:37.520
the reality sphere down so she could grab hold of me.

1241
01:31:38.119 --> 01:31:41.760
Just like that. With one quick movement, she flung me

1242
01:31:41.880 --> 01:31:45.119
away just as the fire on her body went out.

1243
01:31:45.199 --> 01:31:48.840
She pushed forward until the lightning began to be redirected

1244
01:31:49.359 --> 01:31:53.319
back at Carly. Salinger quickly let her go and tossed

1245
01:31:53.359 --> 01:31:56.079
her out of the way. I ran and caught Carly

1246
01:31:56.159 --> 01:31:59.800
before she hit the ground. Salinger stood there and took

1247
01:31:59.880 --> 01:32:03.840
the return lightning. All it did was crackle around him

1248
01:32:03.880 --> 01:32:07.640
for a few moments, then he fell to his knees.

1249
01:32:08.760 --> 01:32:12.800
Hell Weaver reached him and swiped her claws quickly to

1250
01:32:12.920 --> 01:32:18.800
send his head flying from his shoulders. No, I screamed,

1251
01:32:19.800 --> 01:32:22.960
but there was nothing I could have done. As fast

1252
01:32:23.000 --> 01:32:26.560
as I was, I couldn't save both Carly and Salinger.

1253
01:32:27.680 --> 01:32:32.359
Salinger couldn't take the feedback from Carly's rage energy, and

1254
01:32:32.439 --> 01:32:35.680
it weakened him enough for hell Weaver to end him.

1255
01:32:36.880 --> 01:32:40.840
The remaining four of us attacked her with everything we had. Again,

1256
01:32:40.960 --> 01:32:45.039
the demonic goddess refused to fall. Max took a great

1257
01:32:45.159 --> 01:32:48.199
risk by placing his hands on hell Weaver to work

1258
01:32:48.239 --> 01:32:52.720
a binding spell. She immediately snatched him to her and

1259
01:32:52.840 --> 01:32:58.800
kissed him full on the mouth. Suddenly, Max exploded, The

1260
01:32:58.920 --> 01:33:04.479
force sent Carly gian Gillari and I flying back Max.

1261
01:33:05.159 --> 01:33:11.399
Oh goodness now, Carly shrieked. Giangillari and I also gasped

1262
01:33:11.399 --> 01:33:14.720
as we saw hell Weaver holding the charred skeleton of

1263
01:33:14.800 --> 01:33:20.000
Max before throwing it aside. Hell Weaver moved and quickly

1264
01:33:20.079 --> 01:33:23.399
leaped at Gyangiari to land directly in front of her.

1265
01:33:23.960 --> 01:33:26.920
Before she could raise her laser bow to counter, hell

1266
01:33:26.960 --> 01:33:30.640
Weaver snatched her by her hair, turned her around, and

1267
01:33:30.760 --> 01:33:36.000
sank her claws into her lower back. Gianghiari screamed only

1268
01:33:36.079 --> 01:33:40.279
briefly as hell Weaver grabbed her very spinal cord and

1269
01:33:40.439 --> 01:33:44.119
raised her over her head, blood starting to pour down

1270
01:33:44.199 --> 01:33:47.439
onto her. With her free hand, hell Weaver sank her

1271
01:33:47.479 --> 01:33:52.520
claws into the back of Yangillari's neck, and then, with

1272
01:33:52.640 --> 01:33:56.840
a minute display of her strength, Giangillari in half at

1273
01:33:56.920 --> 01:34:01.399
the waist. Her blood soaked hell Weaver instant before she

1274
01:34:01.560 --> 01:34:06.319
tossed the two halves of the body aside. Hell Weaver

1275
01:34:06.439 --> 01:34:10.399
smiled at Carly and I. Now both gian Gire and

1276
01:34:10.479 --> 01:34:15.479
Max's blood soaking her, and you two still dare to

1277
01:34:15.560 --> 01:34:22.199
stand against me, fools, Then I shall finish this. Carly

1278
01:34:22.279 --> 01:34:25.880
and I unleashed our powers on Hell Weaver again. When

1279
01:34:25.920 --> 01:34:29.359
she took to the air, I also ascended. Then hell

1280
01:34:29.399 --> 01:34:33.560
Weaver dove and flew right at Carly. I quickly dropped

1281
01:34:33.600 --> 01:34:36.239
to the ground since I couldn't fly at super speed.

1282
01:34:36.520 --> 01:34:38.840
I ran to Carly and took the wing attack that

1283
01:34:38.920 --> 01:34:41.560
was meant for her. I shrieked as I felt hell

1284
01:34:41.560 --> 01:34:45.159
Weaver's wing a slice burning me at my side. My

1285
01:34:45.520 --> 01:34:49.640
icy blue blood began to seep out slowly. My blood

1286
01:34:49.720 --> 01:34:53.239
was fast in itself and began to heal immediately. I

1287
01:34:53.279 --> 01:34:57.039
would be fully restored in a matter of seconds. Unfortunately,

1288
01:34:57.079 --> 01:34:59.840
I could not recover in time to prevent hell Weaver

1289
01:35:00.079 --> 01:35:04.520
from finally grabbing Carly. I shall show you what true

1290
01:35:04.680 --> 01:35:09.840
power is, youngling. Hell Weaver fired her eyebeams directly into

1291
01:35:09.880 --> 01:35:13.760
Carly's eyes to burn them out. Then she placed a

1292
01:35:13.800 --> 01:35:18.279
finger into each eyehole and discharged such enormous power into

1293
01:35:18.319 --> 01:35:22.840
Carly's body that she screamed in intense pain until her

1294
01:35:22.880 --> 01:35:26.520
body finally exploded in the same way that Max's had

1295
01:35:26.560 --> 01:35:31.800
moments before. Both Carly and her unborn child died as

1296
01:35:31.840 --> 01:35:36.680
the result of hell Weaver's merciless attack. Hell Weaver had

1297
01:35:36.720 --> 01:35:41.520
decimated nearly all of us single handedly, She turned to me.

1298
01:35:41.640 --> 01:35:47.560
Now this is your last stand, blue girl. Surrender yourself

1299
01:35:47.600 --> 01:35:50.359
to me, and I shall spare your life and allow

1300
01:35:50.439 --> 01:35:54.720
you to rule at my side. Hell Weaver had offered

1301
01:35:54.720 --> 01:35:57.680
me a place by her side time and time again

1302
01:35:58.199 --> 01:36:03.600
during many of our battles. Never I screamed. I focused

1303
01:36:03.600 --> 01:36:06.720
all the power at my command and unloaded it against

1304
01:36:06.720 --> 01:36:09.680
hell Weaver. I watched as her body began to freeze

1305
01:36:09.760 --> 01:36:13.800
up fast, but it just wasn't enough. Hell Weaver still

1306
01:36:13.840 --> 01:36:18.119
refused to fall. Powerful as I was, I just wasn't

1307
01:36:18.159 --> 01:36:22.560
powerful enough. And then I saw the reality sphere she held.

1308
01:36:23.920 --> 01:36:27.359
At that moment, I now knew how to stop hell Weaver.

1309
01:36:27.880 --> 01:36:30.479
I turned my power away from her and shifted my

1310
01:36:30.560 --> 01:36:34.600
eye beams to the artifact. What do you possibly hope

1311
01:36:34.600 --> 01:36:38.560
to accomplish? Hell Weaver demanded. I focused with all my

1312
01:36:38.640 --> 01:36:42.399
inner strength to channel my icy beams into a single laser,

1313
01:36:42.720 --> 01:36:46.800
giving it enough intensity and that concentrated, narrow beam to

1314
01:36:46.960 --> 01:36:51.720
actually crack the reality sphere and make it dangerously unstable,

1315
01:36:52.640 --> 01:36:58.119
and then I fell. Hell Weaver was angered. Now you

1316
01:36:58.199 --> 01:37:04.000
have breached the reality sphere. This is not possible, but

1317
01:37:04.119 --> 01:37:07.319
she still refused to give up, having come this far

1318
01:37:07.439 --> 01:37:10.800
and so close she still held the damaged reality sphere.

1319
01:37:11.439 --> 01:37:14.279
Seeing that I was the only thing standing between her

1320
01:37:14.479 --> 01:37:18.560
and the Infinity Corps, she growled in grim determination and

1321
01:37:18.680 --> 01:37:22.600
began a running charge directly towards me. Some of my

1322
01:37:22.760 --> 01:37:26.920
strength returned instantly, and I stood again. All that was

1323
01:37:27.000 --> 01:37:31.760
between our reality and whatever hellish reality she planned was me.

1324
01:37:32.960 --> 01:37:36.640
I could never allow that to happen, my life for

1325
01:37:36.720 --> 01:37:40.680
the Multiverse. I channeled my inner piece one last time,

1326
01:37:41.279 --> 01:37:44.600
the way Master Chon Diao had taught me. It was

1327
01:37:44.680 --> 01:37:48.439
down to this final attack. As hell Weaver reached me,

1328
01:37:48.840 --> 01:37:52.479
I fired one last concentrated icy laser beam from my

1329
01:37:52.600 --> 01:37:57.760
eyes and directly into the reality sphere. My beam reached

1330
01:37:57.800 --> 01:38:01.840
the very core, causing a mass of explosion. Both of

1331
01:38:01.920 --> 01:38:04.880
us were in the heart of it. Hell Weaver screamed

1332
01:38:04.880 --> 01:38:08.000
as her armor and flesh flew away from her body.

1333
01:38:08.760 --> 01:38:11.159
That was all I saw as I was being lifted

1334
01:38:11.239 --> 01:38:15.880
off my feet and hurling helplessly into the Infinity Core.

1335
01:38:17.239 --> 01:38:21.079
I splashed into its cosmic waters and felt myself being

1336
01:38:21.159 --> 01:38:24.439
bathed and the energies created from whatever was in the

1337
01:38:24.479 --> 01:38:28.439
reality sphere and the waters of the Infinity well combined.

1338
01:38:29.479 --> 01:38:32.720
If this was finally my end. Then I would die,

1339
01:38:32.880 --> 01:38:36.720
knowing hell Weaver had failed in creating her new multiverse

1340
01:38:36.920 --> 01:38:41.880
and enslaving its people. The battle Guard had defeated hell Weaver.

1341
01:38:43.199 --> 01:38:47.720
I closed my eyes and embraced my death, knowing we

1342
01:38:47.800 --> 01:38:55.560
had given our very lives to save the Multiverse. I

1343
01:38:55.640 --> 01:39:00.000
opened my eyes and discovered that the scenery had completely checked.

1344
01:39:01.479 --> 01:39:05.239
I was no longer at the Infinity Core or submerged

1345
01:39:05.279 --> 01:39:09.920
within its dark waters. I was now lying on my side.

1346
01:39:09.960 --> 01:39:13.439
I stood to my feet and looked around my new environment.

1347
01:39:14.479 --> 01:39:18.279
Was I still within the Infinity Core. I decided to

1348
01:39:18.319 --> 01:39:22.000
consult my wrist comp and see where I was exactly,

1349
01:39:22.880 --> 01:39:25.880
and I found that it had performed a self diagnostic.

1350
01:39:26.600 --> 01:39:29.840
There was a major issue that needed my immediate attention.

1351
01:39:30.600 --> 01:39:33.640
I looked at the readout and saw that the peratonium

1352
01:39:33.720 --> 01:39:38.239
circuit had become damaged beyond repair. I felt my icy

1353
01:39:38.319 --> 01:39:43.399
heart growing heavy. Now. The peratonium circuit was what allowed

1354
01:39:43.439 --> 01:39:48.199
me to easily travel throughout the multiverse and its infinite dimensions.

1355
01:39:48.960 --> 01:39:51.479
It was the link to the master computer back at

1356
01:39:51.479 --> 01:39:55.920
Battlestar Hall in Universe zero. After reading the rest of

1357
01:39:55.960 --> 01:39:59.520
the diagnostic information, the rest of the wrist Comp's vast

1358
01:39:59.560 --> 01:40:04.520
function were still available to me. However, without the peritonium chip,

1359
01:40:04.680 --> 01:40:07.600
I was both lost and marooned on this new world

1360
01:40:08.079 --> 01:40:12.159
and whatever reality this was. I could fly upward and

1361
01:40:12.199 --> 01:40:15.720
into space, and could even survive in its vast vacuum,

1362
01:40:16.119 --> 01:40:19.359
but I'd quickly become even more lost if I couldn't

1363
01:40:19.399 --> 01:40:23.520
find any other worlds. I sighed in despair and knew

1364
01:40:23.520 --> 01:40:26.119
that I would have to become familiar with this world

1365
01:40:26.279 --> 01:40:29.399
that I must now call home, at least for the

1366
01:40:29.439 --> 01:40:33.720
time being. From there, I started walking. My costume was

1367
01:40:33.800 --> 01:40:37.239
damaged in the battle against hell Weaver. This was something

1368
01:40:37.279 --> 01:40:41.560
the wrist comp could easily remedy. After initiating a few commands,

1369
01:40:42.119 --> 01:40:46.079
it reconfigured my costume. Instead of repairing and restoring it

1370
01:40:46.079 --> 01:40:49.920
to its original form, it was changed. Instead of a

1371
01:40:49.960 --> 01:40:53.039
full body suit, I was now wearing an athletic top

1372
01:40:53.279 --> 01:40:56.760
and a matching bottom, complete with a pair of running shoes.

1373
01:40:57.319 --> 01:41:01.319
My frigid white skin was mostly exposed, now, probably to

1374
01:41:01.359 --> 01:41:04.840
configure with the heat and humidity I now sensed. With

1375
01:41:04.960 --> 01:41:08.560
my new costume complete, I soon reached a dirt road.

1376
01:41:09.159 --> 01:41:13.279
I turned and started running at super speed. Shortly I

1377
01:41:13.399 --> 01:41:17.079
came to an intersection when I saw the life forms approaching,

1378
01:41:17.640 --> 01:41:21.600
I stopped to examine them. It was a male female couple,

1379
01:41:22.159 --> 01:41:26.119
possibly Third worlders, sitting atop what appeared to be a chariot.

1380
01:41:26.680 --> 01:41:30.000
In front of the chariot were two beasts with long faces,

1381
01:41:30.239 --> 01:41:34.319
lengthy bodies, a tail, and four legs. I was just

1382
01:41:34.359 --> 01:41:36.920
as surprised to see the couple as they were to

1383
01:41:36.960 --> 01:41:40.399
see me. When the male spoke, I found that I

1384
01:41:40.399 --> 01:41:45.039
couldn't understand him. Unfortunately, with the peritonium circuit damaged, I

1385
01:41:45.079 --> 01:41:48.439
couldn't use the wrist comp to translate anything into Anglish

1386
01:41:48.920 --> 01:41:51.319
or any of the other languages I was fluent in.

1387
01:41:52.239 --> 01:41:55.079
I tried speaking to them, but they couldn't understand me.

1388
01:41:56.199 --> 01:41:59.560
No matter, I only needed to listen to them speak

1389
01:42:00.159 --> 01:42:02.720
or gaze upon their language for a short period of

1390
01:42:02.800 --> 01:42:07.000
time before I would become fluent. When the couple saw

1391
01:42:07.039 --> 01:42:09.920
that I wasn't malevolent, they allowed me to board their

1392
01:42:10.000 --> 01:42:13.760
chariot and ride with them. The beasts pulled us until

1393
01:42:13.800 --> 01:42:16.760
we came to the boundary of their village. By then

1394
01:42:16.840 --> 01:42:18.760
I was able to speak what I came to know

1395
01:42:18.880 --> 01:42:22.760
as English, which I learned was an alternate form of

1396
01:42:22.840 --> 01:42:26.840
Anglish from Third world of Universe zero. I also learned

1397
01:42:26.880 --> 01:42:30.520
the couple were not husband and wife, but brother and sister.

1398
01:42:31.119 --> 01:42:35.399
Their names were Lucius and Norma Redmont. The year was

1399
01:42:35.439 --> 01:42:38.399
eighteen twenty two, and the name of the village we

1400
01:42:38.399 --> 01:42:42.319
were crossing into was called Strickfield, in the region of

1401
01:42:42.359 --> 01:42:46.720
Ohio in the continent of North America. My new world

1402
01:42:46.760 --> 01:42:50.039
of Earth would take some getting used to. I was

1403
01:42:50.079 --> 01:42:54.319
already enjoying the vibrant colors, including the blue sky and

1404
01:42:54.359 --> 01:42:59.119
the yellow sun. However, like the many other worlds I've encountered,

1405
01:42:59.520 --> 01:43:02.640
it seemed and this Strickfield village had its share of

1406
01:43:02.760 --> 01:43:06.680
foul things that would prey upon humans living here. Even

1407
01:43:06.720 --> 01:43:09.960
though I was lost somewhere in the multiverse, now I

1408
01:43:10.079 --> 01:43:14.840
was still a superhero. My mission would never change. However,

1409
01:43:15.560 --> 01:43:17.720
I would have to be able to blend in among

1410
01:43:17.760 --> 01:43:20.479
the humans, for I was the only one among them

1411
01:43:20.520 --> 01:43:25.800
with icy white flesh and long, shimmering blue hair. For now,

1412
01:43:26.079 --> 01:43:29.720
the Red Moonts have welcomed me into their household. From there,

1413
01:43:30.199 --> 01:43:33.319
I would learn trades to make myself useful around their

1414
01:43:33.359 --> 01:43:38.039
farm and village. So it seems the village of Strickfield

1415
01:43:38.600 --> 01:43:42.600
is my new home, at least for the present and

1416
01:43:42.800 --> 01:43:57.960
unforseeable future. Jimmy Flavor's Last Days by David O'Hanlon. Jimmy

1417
01:43:58.000 --> 01:44:01.560
Flavor stood in the shower, letting the water sculd his back.

1418
01:44:02.439 --> 01:44:04.640
He took a drag off the cigarette and watched the

1419
01:44:04.680 --> 01:44:08.199
smoke disappear into the steam the same way the water

1420
01:44:08.279 --> 01:44:11.920
hid the tears. Through the gap in the plastic shower curtain,

1421
01:44:11.960 --> 01:44:15.039
he could barely see the revolver sitting on the chipped

1422
01:44:15.039 --> 01:44:18.319
countertop through the man made fog. The water pressure was

1423
01:44:18.359 --> 01:44:22.319
shit in the sleazy motel, but it got hot, hot

1424
01:44:22.439 --> 01:44:26.399
enough to scour away the last three days. Jimmy tried

1425
01:44:26.439 --> 01:44:29.640
to ignore the knuckles rapping against the flimsy motel door.

1426
01:44:30.239 --> 01:44:33.560
The television was blaring with an old war movie. The

1427
01:44:33.640 --> 01:44:37.720
knocking turned to pounding. Jimmy listened to the rattle of

1428
01:44:37.720 --> 01:44:41.279
the machine gun fire through the TV's busted speakers. He

1429
01:44:41.399 --> 01:44:43.840
leaned his head against the wall and took another long

1430
01:44:43.960 --> 01:44:46.800
pull off the smoke before dropping it into the blood

1431
01:44:46.840 --> 01:44:50.279
tinged water. Pulling around his feet, it twisted and danced

1432
01:44:50.319 --> 01:44:53.800
its way to the drain behind him. The boot hit

1433
01:44:53.880 --> 01:44:56.359
the door and he heard the frame shatter. His fifty

1434
01:44:56.399 --> 01:44:59.520
dollars deposit wasn't going to cover the damages. He bunched

1435
01:44:59.560 --> 01:45:01.560
the shower curtain in his fist and stared at that

1436
01:45:01.640 --> 01:45:05.680
damn gun. Flavio Jimenez wouldn't have reached for it, but

1437
01:45:05.800 --> 01:45:08.279
Flavio was a charcoal briquette in the trunk of a

1438
01:45:08.319 --> 01:45:12.520
firebombed car sitting in an abandoned lot. Jimmy Flavor felt

1439
01:45:12.560 --> 01:45:15.640
the first cheap plastic ring snap off the curtain rod

1440
01:45:15.800 --> 01:45:19.560
as he made his decision. The more lives a man lives,

1441
01:45:20.199 --> 01:45:27.680
the more deaths he dies. Three days ago, Flavio Jimenez

1442
01:45:27.760 --> 01:45:31.359
tightened the tiny screws into place, one after the other

1443
01:45:31.439 --> 01:45:34.399
in the cramped cell phone repair kiosk located around the

1444
01:45:34.439 --> 01:45:37.920
corner from the mall's food court. He shifted uncomfortably on

1445
01:45:38.000 --> 01:45:41.079
the cracked vinyl stool as the aroma of Hamburger Hamlet's

1446
01:45:41.159 --> 01:45:44.920
kitchen wafted it around him like a malicious spirit, leaving

1447
01:45:44.920 --> 01:45:48.000
in its wake a slime trail of grease that Flavio

1448
01:45:48.079 --> 01:45:51.359
could feel oozing through the pores of his skin. He

1449
01:45:51.479 --> 01:45:54.600
powered on the tablet, unlocked the screen, and turned it

1450
01:45:54.640 --> 01:45:57.239
off again before sliding it into the envelope with the

1451
01:45:57.279 --> 01:46:00.279
customer's contact information on it and placing it in the

1452
01:46:00.680 --> 01:46:05.279
service completed drawer beneath the counter. Dweebspace nine was the

1453
01:46:05.279 --> 01:46:09.479
premier cell phone and tablet repair service provider for Eastern Oklahoma.

1454
01:46:10.000 --> 01:46:13.960
At least that's what the sign said. Flavio opened another

1455
01:46:14.039 --> 01:46:18.039
oversized plastic bag and removed the archaic Nokia eighty two

1456
01:46:18.079 --> 01:46:21.840
to ten. The customers were celebrating their twenty year anniversary

1457
01:46:21.880 --> 01:46:25.439
and wanted to recover their first text messages. He pressed

1458
01:46:25.439 --> 01:46:28.960
the power button for no result, and of course, there

1459
01:46:29.039 --> 01:46:32.000
was no charger included. He swiveled on the stool and

1460
01:46:32.039 --> 01:46:36.680
pulled open the drawer for antique accessories. The cords were

1461
01:46:36.760 --> 01:46:39.680
organized in a tangled ball wrapped in duct tape inside

1462
01:46:39.680 --> 01:46:43.159
of a grocery sack. Flavio sighed and dropped the bag

1463
01:46:43.199 --> 01:46:45.800
on the counter. It would be worth noting that he

1464
01:46:45.920 --> 01:46:48.760
hated his job if he liked any facet of his

1465
01:46:48.800 --> 01:46:52.840
life at all. He did not. Flavio didn't live so

1466
01:46:53.000 --> 01:46:56.840
much as he existed in school. His grades stayed just

1467
01:46:56.960 --> 01:47:00.840
high enough to graduate, and he didn't participate in any curriculars.

1468
01:47:01.359 --> 01:47:04.600
Since no one was offering an attendance scholarship. He went

1469
01:47:04.640 --> 01:47:07.279
to work at dueb Space nine, and continued to stay

1470
01:47:07.279 --> 01:47:10.359
there for the next seven years. He lived with his

1471
01:47:10.439 --> 01:47:12.760
mother and sister and helped with the cleaning because he

1472
01:47:12.760 --> 01:47:15.920
couldn't cook anything that didn't come with instructions on the box.

1473
01:47:16.520 --> 01:47:19.359
His father was the risk taker and they lived comfortably

1474
01:47:19.359 --> 01:47:22.359
on the life insurance. As a result, it taught Flavio

1475
01:47:22.399 --> 01:47:26.399
at an early age not to do more than absolutely necessary.

1476
01:47:27.039 --> 01:47:30.640
Mediocrity was a lifestyle he was born to with a

1477
01:47:30.680 --> 01:47:33.760
slight build and average face, which he kept hidden behind

1478
01:47:33.760 --> 01:47:37.279
a shaggy mop of black hair and perpetual five o'clock shadow.

1479
01:47:38.000 --> 01:47:41.119
Flavio hated his hair because it reminded him of how

1480
01:47:41.159 --> 01:47:45.279
stupid his name was. He was not yellow haired, not

1481
01:47:45.359 --> 01:47:49.359
that anyone in Itawa, Oklahoma, knew what it meant. Flavia

1482
01:47:49.479 --> 01:47:52.039
was the butt of his own inside joke. It was

1483
01:47:52.079 --> 01:47:54.760
a name that led everyone to believe he spoke Spanish,

1484
01:47:55.119 --> 01:47:58.520
which caused him both irritation and shame since he did not.

1485
01:47:59.439 --> 01:48:03.199
The worst part, however, was his friend c K. Since

1486
01:48:03.239 --> 01:48:06.600
their first meeting in sixth grade, K insisted that Flavio

1487
01:48:06.920 --> 01:48:11.520
must be Spanish for yo flavor, Ck shouted as he

1488
01:48:11.600 --> 01:48:14.520
jogged to the Kiosk. No matter how many times he

1489
01:48:14.600 --> 01:48:17.439
said it, or how many Spanish dictionaries he was given.

1490
01:48:17.840 --> 01:48:23.039
Chandler k Kozinski insisted that Flavio meant flavor, and he

1491
01:48:23.119 --> 01:48:26.680
refused to call him anything else. Aren't you supposed to

1492
01:48:26.680 --> 01:48:30.359
be at work? Flavio asked, Jobs are for people who

1493
01:48:30.359 --> 01:48:33.479
don't like making money. K waived at the DS nine

1494
01:48:33.520 --> 01:48:38.960
sign case and point you got fired again. Flavio prodded

1495
01:48:39.000 --> 01:48:42.479
the Nokia's charging port with one unidentified cord after another.

1496
01:48:43.199 --> 01:48:45.479
Just find something that doesn't suck and stick with it,

1497
01:48:46.520 --> 01:48:50.920
or K leaned on the counter and glanced around before continuing,

1498
01:48:51.680 --> 01:48:54.119
We could do one night's work and make enough money

1499
01:48:54.159 --> 01:48:56.640
to buy this Kiosk and make a living off dumbass

1500
01:48:56.680 --> 01:49:00.760
high school kids or guys with absolutely no fury momentum

1501
01:49:01.239 --> 01:49:06.479
like yourself. That's the worst motivational speech ever. Ha, got it?

1502
01:49:07.199 --> 01:49:10.159
Flavio set about freeing the correct chord from the tangle.

1503
01:49:11.039 --> 01:49:14.439
What is this one night's work? I told my priest

1504
01:49:14.439 --> 01:49:17.479
about my side gig at the confession, c K said,

1505
01:49:18.039 --> 01:49:21.000
stealing copper isn't a side gig. It's a felony. But

1506
01:49:21.600 --> 01:49:24.960
please continue, so is stealing nudes off those phones. But

1507
01:49:25.399 --> 01:49:28.279
I know you got a collection. It's a service fee

1508
01:49:28.279 --> 01:49:30.960
for all the dick pics I have to see. Flavio

1509
01:49:31.039 --> 01:49:33.800
looked up from his work with a sour expression. Did

1510
01:49:33.840 --> 01:49:36.720
you know people are putting Domino pieces in their dicks? Now?

1511
01:49:37.000 --> 01:49:39.800
Why is that a thing? C K cocked his head

1512
01:49:39.800 --> 01:49:43.000
and scowled. I never realized how happy I was not

1513
01:49:43.159 --> 01:49:46.039
knowing a thing until I learned that was a thing

1514
01:49:46.079 --> 01:49:49.560
I didn't know. Can I get back to the fucking point, flavor?

1515
01:49:50.279 --> 01:49:53.520
Flavio rolled his hand in an exaggerated call for Ck

1516
01:49:53.720 --> 01:49:56.880
to continue. C K looked around to make sure no

1517
01:49:56.960 --> 01:50:01.279
one was close enough to hear him. So Father Roland

1518
01:50:01.319 --> 01:50:04.239
came to me the other day and said someone robbed

1519
01:50:04.279 --> 01:50:06.760
the church and he wants to hire a couple of

1520
01:50:06.760 --> 01:50:09.399
guys to go get it back. He asked if I

1521
01:50:09.479 --> 01:50:12.560
knew any hardcore stick up men, and I told him

1522
01:50:12.880 --> 01:50:16.680
I had the perfect guy, a real fucking professional thief.

1523
01:50:17.319 --> 01:50:20.039
Se K snapped his fingers and pointed a finger gun

1524
01:50:20.399 --> 01:50:23.960
right between Flavio's eyes. You told your priest that I

1525
01:50:24.039 --> 01:50:26.880
was a thief. Flavio pinched the bridge of his nose

1526
01:50:26.920 --> 01:50:31.920
inside kind of s K scratched at his platinum goateee.

1527
01:50:32.399 --> 01:50:35.800
I told him about a guy named Jimmy Flavor. I

1528
01:50:35.840 --> 01:50:39.520
said he was this hot shot bank robber from Texas. Look,

1529
01:50:39.800 --> 01:50:42.680
it's an easy job, but Roland won't hire me unless

1530
01:50:42.720 --> 01:50:46.159
I bring in someone with experience. You want me to

1531
01:50:46.239 --> 01:50:48.880
lie to a priest, so will hire us to steal

1532
01:50:48.920 --> 01:50:52.720
some shit. That's the most catholic thing you've ever said,

1533
01:50:52.760 --> 01:50:57.880
c K six figures, Flavor, that's what he's offering. Flavio's

1534
01:50:57.880 --> 01:51:02.560
face ruined. Any feigned disinterest, get cleaned up. C K

1535
01:51:02.680 --> 01:51:05.840
slapped some folded twenties on the counter. Cut your hair,

1536
01:51:06.159 --> 01:51:09.239
shave that depression off your face, put on your club clothes,

1537
01:51:09.279 --> 01:51:11.560
and meet me at the church in the morning. This

1538
01:51:11.600 --> 01:51:14.000
is the kind of opportunity that could change your life.

1539
01:51:14.039 --> 01:51:17.439
Bro One night of taking a fucking chance for a change,

1540
01:51:17.800 --> 01:51:20.439
and then you can go back to stagnating in normalcy.

1541
01:51:21.760 --> 01:51:25.359
Jimmy Flavor. Huh. Flavio tried not to smile as he

1542
01:51:25.399 --> 01:51:29.640
said it. That was a much better name than Flavio Jimenez.

1543
01:51:30.319 --> 01:51:33.560
His gut twisted with a feeling he didn't recognize at first.

1544
01:51:34.319 --> 01:51:44.159
Then it hit him. He was excited. What time Flavio

1545
01:51:44.239 --> 01:51:47.479
slept in a succession of short naps, A victim at

1546
01:51:47.479 --> 01:51:51.039
the mercy of his own excitement and anxiety. He was

1547
01:51:51.079 --> 01:51:53.359
already up and looking at the stranger in the mirror

1548
01:51:53.439 --> 01:51:56.640
when the alarm went off behind him. His shaggy mane

1549
01:51:56.760 --> 01:51:59.319
was replaced with a short, cropped fade, and the scruff

1550
01:51:59.359 --> 01:52:01.800
on his face was nothing but a tidy soul patch

1551
01:52:01.840 --> 01:52:04.920
below his lip. He smoothed the collar of his red

1552
01:52:04.960 --> 01:52:09.680
flame adorned overshirt and shut off the alarm before heading outside.

1553
01:52:09.720 --> 01:52:13.199
Flavio's car was the only extraordinary thing about him. The

1554
01:52:13.319 --> 01:52:17.000
nineteen fifty three bel air his grandfather bought new and

1555
01:52:17.119 --> 01:52:21.000
his father restored before his death was Flavio's only love.

1556
01:52:21.800 --> 01:52:25.880
He cruised across town, ringing the steering wheel the entire drive.

1557
01:52:26.479 --> 01:52:28.359
When he pulled up to the curb outside of Saint

1558
01:52:28.399 --> 01:52:32.159
Anthony of Thebes Catholic Church c K was already waiting.

1559
01:52:32.600 --> 01:52:34.880
He sat on the hood of his Kia Optima and

1560
01:52:35.000 --> 01:52:38.239
talked to an elderly priest. Flavio watched them in the

1561
01:52:38.279 --> 01:52:41.520
mirror for a moment, looked at himself and took a

1562
01:52:41.560 --> 01:52:47.039
deep breath. You're not Flavio Himenez anymore. You're a hardcore animal.

1563
01:52:47.600 --> 01:52:50.920
Act like it. He got out of the car, and

1564
01:52:51.000 --> 01:52:53.520
strolled over to the other men with a false confidence,

1565
01:52:53.560 --> 01:52:56.800
he hoped hid the shaking of his knees. He nodded

1566
01:52:56.800 --> 01:52:59.319
to see K. This is the guy I was telling

1567
01:52:59.399 --> 01:53:03.079
you about. See K slid off the chipped, dented hood,

1568
01:53:03.680 --> 01:53:09.439
Meet Jimmy Flavor. Flavio eyed the priest suspiciously. You don't

1569
01:53:09.439 --> 01:53:14.640
look like a criminal, mastermind. I'm father Roland. The priest

1570
01:53:14.680 --> 01:53:17.600
didn't offer his hand, which was busy manipulating the beads

1571
01:53:17.600 --> 01:53:22.279
of a rosary. What I'm hiring you for is hardly criminal.

1572
01:53:22.680 --> 01:53:25.039
You'll be acting with the full blessing of the Vatican.

1573
01:53:25.720 --> 01:53:28.239
Flavio looked to c K, then back to the priest

1574
01:53:28.319 --> 01:53:31.279
and scoffed. Don't dip shit and sugar and call it

1575
01:53:31.319 --> 01:53:34.439
a cookie, Padre. You asked for a thief because you

1576
01:53:34.439 --> 01:53:37.960
want thievery. Things that don't belong to you now are

1577
01:53:38.039 --> 01:53:41.399
going to by the morning. That's what you need. Now,

1578
01:53:41.880 --> 01:53:44.840
how about you cut the mission from godline and get

1579
01:53:44.880 --> 01:53:47.000
to the part where you tell me what I need

1580
01:53:47.000 --> 01:53:49.840
to know to make that happen. S K's eyes were

1581
01:53:49.880 --> 01:53:54.079
wide with disbelief, and Flavio hoped his didn't match. He

1582
01:53:54.199 --> 01:53:59.479
wasn't brash or disrespectful, but apparently Jimmy Flavor was even

1583
01:53:59.520 --> 01:54:03.239
his voice sounded different. It was deeper, with an edge

1584
01:54:03.239 --> 01:54:08.800
that made Flavia uncomfortable. The priest nodded and smacked his lips. Well,

1585
01:54:09.279 --> 01:54:11.039
I was told you were the real deal, so I

1586
01:54:11.039 --> 01:54:15.600
shouldn't be taken aback by such pointed speech. Roland said

1587
01:54:16.399 --> 01:54:19.920
the Vatican was in possession of certain artifacts linked to

1588
01:54:19.960 --> 01:54:24.119
a Hittite cult worshipers of an unsavory deity of disease

1589
01:54:24.239 --> 01:54:27.840
called Jari. They entrusted the collection with an explorer in

1590
01:54:27.880 --> 01:54:31.439
the sixteenth century who was instructed to bury them far

1591
01:54:31.520 --> 01:54:35.800
within the New World. Jimmy Flavor shrugged, You don't need

1592
01:54:35.840 --> 01:54:39.039
a stick up man for grave robbery. Some of the

1593
01:54:39.119 --> 01:54:43.199
artifacts have been found. Roland said the cult was revived

1594
01:54:43.239 --> 01:54:45.920
at the beginning of the twentieth century, as seen with

1595
01:54:46.000 --> 01:54:48.880
the arrival of the Spanish flu. The Church has been

1596
01:54:48.920 --> 01:54:53.079
trying to suppress these men and their machinations for some time.

1597
01:54:53.520 --> 01:54:56.720
We recovered an idol in nineteen twenty one and a grimoire,

1598
01:54:56.920 --> 01:55:00.760
a spell book in thirty three. Both items were interared

1599
01:55:00.760 --> 01:55:04.239
in the catacombs. Beneath your feet. Jimmy Flavor looked at

1600
01:55:04.239 --> 01:55:08.239
the sidewalk, then back up at the Venerable Cathedral. You

1601
01:55:08.319 --> 01:55:12.239
know who jacked you. A business man named Earl Price

1602
01:55:12.359 --> 01:55:16.199
is high cleric of the Jai cult. Roland flicked his wrist,

1603
01:55:16.399 --> 01:55:19.239
wrapping the rosary around his fist in a deft movement.

1604
01:55:20.399 --> 01:55:23.399
They're rolling the infernal dice of damnation in a gamble

1605
01:55:23.439 --> 01:55:29.000
to seize power beyond earthly comprehension. COVID, wildfires, rising hatefulness.

1606
01:55:29.039 --> 01:55:32.279
They're all signs of the Colt's meddling. Soon they'll decipher

1607
01:55:32.319 --> 01:55:35.640
more of the Grimoire. We need it back before that happens.

1608
01:55:36.479 --> 01:55:39.960
Sounds like a fucking D and D campaign. Jimmy turned

1609
01:55:40.000 --> 01:55:43.079
to c K. This is what you're wasting my time for.

1610
01:55:43.479 --> 01:55:45.520
You want me to steal a book from some rich

1611
01:55:45.600 --> 01:55:49.279
cocksucker for the absent minded priest over here. The fuck

1612
01:55:49.399 --> 01:55:53.479
was you thinking? The Vatican is paying a twenty percent

1613
01:55:53.600 --> 01:55:58.199
finder's fee. Roland shrugged with disinterest. The book alone would

1614
01:55:58.199 --> 01:56:02.319
be worth one hundred thousand dollars for you. Retrieve it

1615
01:56:02.439 --> 01:56:06.319
and the idol, and you could triple that number. However,

1616
01:56:06.920 --> 01:56:10.760
the Grimoire is the priority. They're not fighters, mister Flavor.

1617
01:56:11.159 --> 01:56:13.960
This city is overrun with gangbangers that would jump at

1618
01:56:13.960 --> 01:56:17.680
the opportunity. I would prefer a professional get back our

1619
01:56:17.720 --> 01:56:21.960
belongings cleanly. That does not mean I won't send an

1620
01:56:22.079 --> 01:56:24.920
army of amateurs to butcher them all. Take it or

1621
01:56:25.000 --> 01:56:26.840
leave it. The deal is on the table for another

1622
01:56:26.880 --> 01:56:32.520
thirty seconds. He took it. The day passed much differently.

1623
01:56:33.239 --> 01:56:36.359
Jimmy Flavor didn't want to let go, and Flavio found

1624
01:56:36.439 --> 01:56:39.840
himself along for the ride. He spent money in anticipation

1625
01:56:39.920 --> 01:56:42.720
of the small fortune coming his way, investing in a

1626
01:56:42.760 --> 01:56:45.359
new outfit and an eight ball of cocaine before hitting

1627
01:56:45.359 --> 01:56:49.000
the biggest club in the city just after dark. Flavio

1628
01:56:49.119 --> 01:56:51.279
could count the amount of times he got high on

1629
01:56:51.279 --> 01:56:54.279
one hand, but Jimmy Flavor was railing coke like an

1630
01:56:54.279 --> 01:56:57.600
eighty stockbroker. By the time his savings were gone. He

1631
01:56:57.760 --> 01:57:00.760
was popular enough to drink for free until he found

1632
01:57:00.800 --> 01:57:04.159
other pursuits more worth his time. At three a m.

1633
01:57:04.279 --> 01:57:06.319
His cell phone lit up with a text message from

1634
01:57:06.319 --> 01:57:09.960
c K telling him it was time to meet. He

1635
01:57:10.039 --> 01:57:12.840
pushed away the hand on his thigh to a dissatisfied

1636
01:57:12.880 --> 01:57:16.119
groan from the woman beside him. Jimmy got dressed quickly

1637
01:57:16.199 --> 01:57:19.399
and stepped into the bathroom. The other barfly was still

1638
01:57:19.399 --> 01:57:21.560
in the shower, and he wiped the steam away to

1639
01:57:21.640 --> 01:57:24.720
check his appearance in the mirror. Flavio hadn't been with

1640
01:57:24.800 --> 01:57:27.800
two women in the last year, but Jimmy took two

1641
01:57:27.880 --> 01:57:30.920
back to the hotel at a time with ease. Jimmy

1642
01:57:30.960 --> 01:57:33.439
Flavor was supposed to be a figment of his imagination,

1643
01:57:34.039 --> 01:57:36.960
a character to play for a night, but he was

1644
01:57:37.000 --> 01:57:41.359
more than that. Flavio stared deep into the dilated pupils

1645
01:57:41.399 --> 01:57:46.479
of Jimmy Flavor and saw himself cowering inside. The thief

1646
01:57:46.600 --> 01:57:50.000
lived life so fully that he was birthing himself into

1647
01:57:50.039 --> 01:57:54.279
the void of Flavio's empty husk. Maybe he had been

1648
01:57:54.279 --> 01:57:58.079
the imaginary one all along. Jimmy's eyes flicked to the

1649
01:57:58.119 --> 01:58:02.239
blurred naked form through the trans loocent shower curtain. There

1650
01:58:02.319 --> 01:58:04.399
was no way he could ever go back to the

1651
01:58:04.479 --> 01:58:13.720
droning zombie he'd always been. He was Jimmy Flavor. See

1652
01:58:13.840 --> 01:58:16.279
k screamed as he plummeted from the top of the

1653
01:58:16.279 --> 01:58:20.920
twelve foot concrete wall that surrounded Earl Price's estate. Jimmy

1654
01:58:20.960 --> 01:58:23.640
turned and went back for his friend. The barking of

1655
01:58:23.680 --> 01:58:26.800
the Doberman's was full of hate and frustration as they

1656
01:58:26.840 --> 01:58:29.399
tried clawing their way up the wall in pursuit of

1657
01:58:29.439 --> 01:58:34.000
the thieves. Shouting coltists drew nearer, followed by the mechanical

1658
01:58:34.039 --> 01:58:37.640
groaning of the gate's motor. The barking changed directions as

1659
01:58:37.680 --> 01:58:40.880
they bolted to the opening portal. Jimmy dragged s K

1660
01:58:41.039 --> 01:58:44.239
to his feet, which produced another scream. He looked down

1661
01:58:44.239 --> 01:58:46.880
and grimaced at the angle of se K's shin. The

1662
01:58:46.920 --> 01:58:50.720
protruding bone tented the pant leg. Quit being a pussy,

1663
01:58:50.760 --> 01:58:53.640
It's just a sprain. Jimmy glanced over his shoulder to

1664
01:58:53.680 --> 01:58:55.880
the moving outline of the gate. We have to go

1665
01:58:55.920 --> 01:59:00.720
before the dogs get out too late. The zoo shambled

1666
01:59:00.760 --> 01:59:03.840
along another twenty feet before Jimmy let go. See K

1667
01:59:04.039 --> 01:59:06.399
landed in the wet grass, face first and stared up

1668
01:59:06.399 --> 01:59:09.159
at his friend in shock. The dogs were closing the

1669
01:59:09.199 --> 01:59:12.199
distance faster than they could hobble. See K would get

1670
01:59:12.239 --> 01:59:15.560
some stitches, but Father Roland promised the Vatican would keep

1671
01:59:15.600 --> 01:59:19.239
them out of prison. Jimmy mumbled an apology and dashed

1672
01:59:19.239 --> 01:59:22.560
away before the first dog dug into see K's broken leg.

1673
01:59:23.239 --> 01:59:25.680
The others circled their prey and pinned him in place,

1674
01:59:26.000 --> 01:59:29.479
foregoing further pursuit of Jimmy. He stopped running at the

1675
01:59:29.560 --> 01:59:32.560
end of the drive and heaved breathlessly in awkward silence.

1676
01:59:33.760 --> 01:59:37.760
No one was chasing him. The robbery went smooth for

1677
01:59:37.840 --> 01:59:41.000
a moment. A single shot into the ceiling sent twenty

1678
01:59:41.039 --> 01:59:46.199
odd Coultists cowering. Then things got weird. The lights flickered,

1679
01:59:46.399 --> 01:59:50.520
the room got cold. Then there were the words and

1680
01:59:50.600 --> 01:59:54.800
the darkness. The wallpaper peeled away in strips with whispers

1681
01:59:54.840 --> 01:59:57.840
from within. Jimmy grabbed the book and pistol whipped the

1682
01:59:57.840 --> 02:00:00.279
guy in the fanciest robes before they bolted through the

1683
02:00:00.279 --> 02:00:03.119
front door. The dogs were on them in an instant,

1684
02:00:03.399 --> 02:00:06.279
and those damnable words followed them across the yard like

1685
02:00:06.319 --> 02:00:10.239
buzzing insects. In the glaring floodlights, Jimmy could see robed

1686
02:00:10.279 --> 02:00:15.600
silhouettes hoisting c K from the ground. Then came the screams.

1687
02:00:16.479 --> 02:00:19.640
It was a demented shadow puppet theater. From his vantage point,

1688
02:00:19.800 --> 02:00:22.920
as he saw the faceless shapes stringing si K's intestines

1689
02:00:23.159 --> 02:00:27.720
from his writhing figure, lightning crackled overhead and c K

1690
02:00:27.880 --> 02:00:32.199
went quiet. Jimmy watched the body fall limp and the

1691
02:00:32.239 --> 02:00:36.720
figures turn his way. More whispers came from all around him.

1692
02:00:37.239 --> 02:00:40.199
He didn't understand the language, but he knew the meaning.

1693
02:00:40.800 --> 02:00:47.640
He knew it was time to start running again. Jimmy

1694
02:00:47.680 --> 02:00:50.479
climbed through the bedroom window and shook off the rain.

1695
02:00:51.079 --> 02:00:53.800
C K had the idol when he fell, but Jimmy

1696
02:00:53.840 --> 02:00:57.399
still had the grimoire. He tossed the book on Flavio's

1697
02:00:57.439 --> 02:01:00.800
bed and stripped off his wet clothes. He heard his mother,

1698
02:01:01.199 --> 02:01:05.239
always an early riser, banging around in the kitchen. The

1699
02:01:05.279 --> 02:01:07.920
red numerals on the alarm clock showed him a future

1700
02:01:07.960 --> 02:01:11.039
that wouldn't happen. The shrieking buzz of the alarm and

1701
02:01:11.079 --> 02:01:13.680
the droll routine of getting ready to stagnate in the

1702
02:01:13.720 --> 02:01:18.760
dweeb space nine kiosk never again. He was a professional

1703
02:01:18.800 --> 02:01:22.560
thief now. Jimmy dressed quickly. He would sleep. When he

1704
02:01:22.600 --> 02:01:24.960
got to the church and collected his payment from Roland.

1705
02:01:25.600 --> 02:01:28.319
A glass shattered down the hall and Jimmy froze in place.

1706
02:01:29.039 --> 02:01:31.359
His revolver was sitting on the bed next to the book.

1707
02:01:31.960 --> 02:01:34.159
He stared at it, trying to will it across the

1708
02:01:34.239 --> 02:01:37.479
room into his hand. His mother moved like a ballet

1709
02:01:37.600 --> 02:01:40.800
dancer in the kitchen. He'd never seen her drop anything.

1710
02:01:41.600 --> 02:01:44.920
His gut tightened, and he tiptoed to the weapon, slipping

1711
02:01:45.000 --> 02:01:47.840
it into his waistband and dropping the book into an

1712
02:01:47.840 --> 02:01:52.600
old backpack that he slung across his torso. The screaming started,

1713
02:01:52.720 --> 02:01:55.800
and he found himself in wet pants once again. Flavia

1714
02:01:55.920 --> 02:01:59.640
wasn't gone completely, it turned out. His bedroom door flew

1715
02:01:59.720 --> 02:02:03.199
open and crashing against the wall. Mari's face was streaked

1716
02:02:03.239 --> 02:02:06.119
with tears. His sister's mouth opened to cry out when

1717
02:02:06.119 --> 02:02:09.199
the visceral tentacle twisted around her neck, pulling her to

1718
02:02:09.279 --> 02:02:12.600
the floor. Jimmy watched as the mound of slithering entrails

1719
02:02:12.640 --> 02:02:16.119
converged on her body, smearing bile and blood across her

1720
02:02:16.159 --> 02:02:20.239
satin pajamas. The puckered orifice of the disembodied stomach slid

1721
02:02:20.239 --> 02:02:23.359
across her cheek like a snail, leaving a sizzling trail

1722
02:02:23.399 --> 02:02:27.520
of digestive juices burning through the flesh. The small intestines

1723
02:02:27.600 --> 02:02:31.680
gyrated across the carpet, securing Mari in their embrace. The

1724
02:02:31.880 --> 02:02:35.119
organ positioned itself over her and forced its contents into

1725
02:02:35.159 --> 02:02:38.079
her mouth. With a wet squeal, Jimmy jumped through the

1726
02:02:38.119 --> 02:02:40.319
window in a crash that did little to cover his

1727
02:02:40.399 --> 02:02:44.319
sister's agonized screams. He rolled through the mud and sprinted

1728
02:02:44.359 --> 02:02:47.359
down the sidewalk to his car. The engine rumbled and

1729
02:02:47.399 --> 02:02:50.079
the tires fought for traction as he pressed the accelerator

1730
02:02:50.119 --> 02:02:53.279
all the way down. Flavio didn't believe in anything he

1731
02:02:53.279 --> 02:02:56.359
couldn't see, but he still wouldn't have believed what Jimmy

1732
02:02:56.439 --> 02:02:59.960
had seen. Those sick bastards gutted his friend and somehow

1733
02:03:00.079 --> 02:03:04.279
animated his guts into a grotesque hound to track him.

1734
02:03:04.600 --> 02:03:07.680
Everything the priest said was true. The cult of Jari

1735
02:03:07.840 --> 02:03:10.239
was real. The things they could do were real, and

1736
02:03:10.279 --> 02:03:13.720
if the magic was real, then so was their depraved god.

1737
02:03:14.439 --> 02:03:17.319
That meant the world was up shit creak. If he

1738
02:03:17.439 --> 02:03:20.960
let them have the book, they already killed everyone Flavio

1739
02:03:21.079 --> 02:03:24.479
cared about. Soon they'd find him, and he'd be just

1740
02:03:24.520 --> 02:03:27.760
as dead. He rubbed the tears away from his cheeks.

1741
02:03:28.399 --> 02:03:32.039
Jimmy Flavor wouldn't be so easily killed. He would get

1742
02:03:32.039 --> 02:03:35.840
the book to Roland, collect his money, and disappear. He

1743
02:03:35.960 --> 02:03:38.479
still had five shots in the revolver and only an

1744
02:03:38.479 --> 02:03:41.399
hour until dawn. He whipped the car around a corner

1745
02:03:41.399 --> 02:03:44.560
and slid across the lanes before straightening it out. Jimmy

1746
02:03:44.600 --> 02:03:47.720
took a deep breath and eased off the pedal. In

1747
02:03:47.800 --> 02:03:50.560
his rear view, all he saw was wet asphalt reflecting

1748
02:03:50.600 --> 02:03:54.159
the street lights. The monster wasn't back there, and he

1749
02:03:54.279 --> 02:03:59.199
let the breath out softly. Then he saw something else.

1750
02:04:00.560 --> 02:04:04.079
The man lumbered down the sidewalk in soggy clothes, his wet,

1751
02:04:04.119 --> 02:04:07.279
shaggy hair clung to his face. Jimmy pulled up to

1752
02:04:07.319 --> 02:04:09.920
the curb and let the headlights fall on him. They

1753
02:04:09.920 --> 02:04:13.279
were about the same size. Jimmy stepped out of the

1754
02:04:13.279 --> 02:04:16.119
car with the pistol hidden behind the open door. The

1755
02:04:16.199 --> 02:04:19.720
man's clothes were raggedy and dirty, and a soggy cardboard

1756
02:04:19.800 --> 02:04:22.439
sign was folded in the outside pocket of his backpack.

1757
02:04:23.239 --> 02:04:26.079
You need a lift, Jimmy called out through the downpour.

1758
02:04:26.680 --> 02:04:29.520
The man turned and jogged over to him. Jimmy's thumb

1759
02:04:29.640 --> 02:04:32.680
cocked back the hammer when he realized they were about

1760
02:04:32.720 --> 02:04:36.399
the same age too. The man rested his hands on

1761
02:04:36.479 --> 02:04:40.680
his hips and smiled a toothy grin. Thank you. I

1762
02:04:40.720 --> 02:04:44.800
thought I'd catch my death out here. He said you have.

1763
02:04:45.520 --> 02:04:48.279
Jimmy raised the gun and fired a single shot into

1764
02:04:48.279 --> 02:04:51.399
the man's front teeth. Jimmy loaded the body into the

1765
02:04:51.439 --> 02:04:54.479
trunk and drove to the abandoned kmart, where he worked

1766
02:04:54.520 --> 02:04:57.079
on removing the rest of the teeth. He emptied a

1767
02:04:57.119 --> 02:04:59.640
gas can over the body and tossed a hastily made

1768
02:04:59.640 --> 02:05:02.960
malta cocktail at his beloved car. The last piece of

1769
02:05:03.000 --> 02:05:06.319
Flavio ignited with the shattering of a beer bottle. A

1770
02:05:06.359 --> 02:05:09.279
fireball tore through the sky as the fuel tank exploded,

1771
02:05:09.439 --> 02:05:12.159
and the sirens of rushing fire trucks became the soundtrack

1772
02:05:12.359 --> 02:05:15.479
for Jimmy's long walk to the church ahead of him.

1773
02:05:15.520 --> 02:05:19.960
The sun was rising on a new day. Saint Anthony's

1774
02:05:19.960 --> 02:05:23.119
was empty and unlocked. Jimmy drew his weapon and called

1775
02:05:23.159 --> 02:05:27.600
out for Father Roland. The priest didn't answer. Jimmy continued

1776
02:05:27.600 --> 02:05:29.720
his search, eventually coming to the open door of the

1777
02:05:29.760 --> 02:05:33.119
rectory on the second floor. The smell burned his nostrils,

1778
02:05:33.119 --> 02:05:35.119
and he held his shirt tight over his face to

1779
02:05:35.159 --> 02:05:38.279
combat the fumes, which grew stronger As he explored deeper

1780
02:05:38.279 --> 02:05:42.199
into the apartment and turned into the bedroom, a figure

1781
02:05:42.239 --> 02:05:46.239
stretched across the soiled bedding above the white priest's collar.

1782
02:05:46.640 --> 02:05:50.079
Strips of smoking flesh clung to his exposed skull. He

1783
02:05:50.199 --> 02:05:52.560
jerked the shirt away and vomited across the foot of

1784
02:05:52.560 --> 02:05:55.520
the bed. He scanned the room for the creature and

1785
02:05:55.560 --> 02:05:59.279
found a smoldering slime trail lingering across a windowsill and

1786
02:05:59.359 --> 02:06:02.840
down the wall outside. Jimmy calmed himself and went back

1787
02:06:02.880 --> 02:06:05.319
to the bed. A fanny pack sat on the night

1788
02:06:05.399 --> 02:06:09.279
stand with tightly rolled cash inside. Jimmy stuffed it into

1789
02:06:09.279 --> 02:06:13.000
his backpack with the grimoire. His fingers caressed the ancient

1790
02:06:13.079 --> 02:06:16.159
leather tomb. He pulled the book out and flipped through

1791
02:06:16.159 --> 02:06:20.640
the mildewed pages. The TV chimed an announcement of breaking news.

1792
02:06:21.000 --> 02:06:23.560
The police were looking for twenty five year old Flavio

1793
02:06:23.600 --> 02:06:26.640
Jimenez in connection with the murders of his mother and sister.

1794
02:06:27.039 --> 02:06:30.159
Jimenez was suspected of strangling the women and trying to

1795
02:06:30.159 --> 02:06:34.399
dissolve their bodies in acid. Tears welled up in Jimmy's eyes.

1796
02:06:35.359 --> 02:06:38.840
He sniffled and cleared his aching throat. The cops would

1797
02:06:38.880 --> 02:06:41.640
find his car soon and call off the search. He

1798
02:06:41.800 --> 02:06:44.600
had to disappear before they realized it wasn't his body

1799
02:06:44.600 --> 02:06:47.520
in the ruins. He slammed the book closed and put

1800
02:06:47.560 --> 02:06:50.640
it in his bag. The Vatican still wanted it and

1801
02:06:50.720 --> 02:06:54.399
didn't know he'd already been paid. Vatican City was its

1802
02:06:54.399 --> 02:06:57.680
own country, with no extradition treaties. He could hide out

1803
02:06:57.720 --> 02:07:00.680
there until he got fake papers and then slip into

1804
02:07:00.720 --> 02:07:03.000
some Indian village with enough money to never have to

1805
02:07:03.039 --> 02:07:05.880
work again. He made his way out of the church.

1806
02:07:06.199 --> 02:07:08.359
The clouds were parting and the rain was just a

1807
02:07:08.439 --> 02:07:12.359
light drizzle shimmering in the sunlight. Things were going to

1808
02:07:12.439 --> 02:07:15.600
be okay. He just needed to lay low and contact

1809
02:07:15.640 --> 02:07:19.880
the diocese. Jimmy enjoyed the moment of calm. The Colt

1810
02:07:19.920 --> 02:07:22.600
of Jai must have taken the bait and assumed he

1811
02:07:22.680 --> 02:07:26.800
was dead. That's why the intestinal creature wasn't waiting for him.

1812
02:07:27.119 --> 02:07:29.439
He was free and clear until the eyded the body

1813
02:07:29.479 --> 02:07:32.119
in the bell air. That gave him a day or two.

1814
02:07:32.920 --> 02:07:36.359
Jimmy smiled, it would all be over with a phone call.

1815
02:07:37.279 --> 02:07:40.920
The black chrysler eased to the curb. Jimmy's face fell.

1816
02:07:41.479 --> 02:07:45.119
He recognized Earl Price behind the steering wheel. The passenger

1817
02:07:45.159 --> 02:07:48.520
door opened and another man stepped out. Jimmy drew the

1818
02:07:48.560 --> 02:07:50.520
revolver and put two in the man's chest before he

1819
02:07:50.560 --> 02:07:53.359
could finish, telling him they just wanted to talk. Then

1820
02:07:53.520 --> 02:07:56.239
he ran. He ran until his lungs hurt, until he

1821
02:07:56.279 --> 02:07:59.039
thought his legs would break away and continue without him.

1822
02:07:59.359 --> 02:08:01.560
The colt would be on his trail again. He was

1823
02:08:01.640 --> 02:08:04.279
running out of time and bullets, and he pushed himself

1824
02:08:04.319 --> 02:08:07.000
faster down the sidewalks and alleys, never looking over his

1825
02:08:07.000 --> 02:08:09.760
shoulder to see who was chasing him. He just ran.

1826
02:08:14.079 --> 02:08:16.960
The phone call went well. The bishop said he would

1827
02:08:16.960 --> 02:08:20.159
send someone to collect him and the book. Everything was

1828
02:08:20.199 --> 02:08:22.800
falling into place until the five o'clock news showed the

1829
02:08:22.840 --> 02:08:28.079
world the face of spree killer Flavio Jimenez. Footage from

1830
02:08:28.079 --> 02:08:30.840
a traffic camera showed him gunning down Price's goon in

1831
02:08:30.960 --> 02:08:34.880
high definition. They were also blaming him for Roland's murder.

1832
02:08:35.279 --> 02:08:38.399
The Ottawa acid Killer was suspected to be at large,

1833
02:08:38.960 --> 02:08:44.640
armed and dangerous, and completely fucked. Jimmy dumped the cartridges

1834
02:08:44.680 --> 02:08:47.119
out of the revolver and tossed the spent casings into

1835
02:08:47.119 --> 02:08:50.920
the waistbind one after the other, flinching as they clinked

1836
02:08:50.960 --> 02:08:54.079
off the metal side. He pushed the two remaining bullets

1837
02:08:54.119 --> 02:08:58.199
into the cylinder and snapped it shut. Two bullets and

1838
02:08:58.319 --> 02:09:01.560
maybe twenty minutes to go. He changed the channel to

1839
02:09:01.600 --> 02:09:04.840
some war movie before heading to the bathroom. He turned

1840
02:09:04.840 --> 02:09:08.600
on the shower and peeled away his clothes. The coltists,

1841
02:09:08.680 --> 02:09:12.119
the police, and the Vatican were all coming to get him.

1842
02:09:12.279 --> 02:09:14.319
There was nothing left to do but wait and see

1843
02:09:14.359 --> 02:09:17.600
who got there first. He tapped a cigarette from the

1844
02:09:17.640 --> 02:09:20.960
pack and lit it before stepping into the shower. He

1845
02:09:21.039 --> 02:09:24.520
took a long pull and let the water scald his back.

1846
02:09:25.319 --> 02:09:27.760
The movie was blaring in the other room, but he

1847
02:09:27.800 --> 02:09:32.199
could hear the knocking over it. It was urgent, frenzied pounding.

1848
02:09:32.760 --> 02:09:35.600
Someone was shouting. Jimmy looked through the gap at the

1849
02:09:35.640 --> 02:09:38.920
revolver sitting on the counter. He spat the cigarette into

1850
02:09:38.960 --> 02:09:42.680
the water, watching it twist as it drifted away behind him.

1851
02:09:42.960 --> 02:09:45.920
There was blood in the water, but he didn't remember

1852
02:09:45.960 --> 02:09:49.720
being injured. The door shattered with a brutal kick. Jimmy

1853
02:09:49.720 --> 02:09:53.000
bunched the shower curtain in his fist. It definitely wasn't

1854
02:09:53.000 --> 02:09:55.720
the church. He ripped the curtain down and stepped out,

1855
02:09:55.760 --> 02:09:57.840
retrieving his pistol and aiming it at the back of

1856
02:09:57.880 --> 02:10:01.039
the door. He could hear the men yelling more clearly,

1857
02:10:01.960 --> 02:10:07.079
state police. He cocked the revolver. Jimmy Flavor would not

1858
02:10:07.199 --> 02:10:10.800
be taken alive. The cops would lock the book away safely.

1859
02:10:11.399 --> 02:10:14.239
The Vatican could collect it from them after the dust settled.

1860
02:10:14.800 --> 02:10:17.439
At least, then the cult of Jaari would never have it.

1861
02:10:18.119 --> 02:10:20.600
A smell stung his nose, and he thought about the

1862
02:10:20.600 --> 02:10:24.960
blood in the shower. He turned his head upward slowly.

1863
02:10:26.000 --> 02:10:29.159
Through the steam. He could see the dripping, pink mass

1864
02:10:29.319 --> 02:10:33.279
swarming across the ceiling. The stomach shifted through the writhing

1865
02:10:33.279 --> 02:10:37.319
intestines overhead, The sphincter puckered and blew in acidic kiss

1866
02:10:37.359 --> 02:10:40.960
that splattered Jimmy's bare feet. The bathroom door burst inward.

1867
02:10:41.119 --> 02:10:44.079
Jimmy's fingers tightened on the trigger while the intestines tightened

1868
02:10:44.079 --> 02:10:47.560
on his throat. He heard two shots. He thought they

1869
02:10:47.640 --> 02:10:49.920
might have been his, until he felt the damp tile

1870
02:10:50.039 --> 02:10:53.680
press against his cheek. He stared at the thing slithering

1871
02:10:53.720 --> 02:10:58.560
across the ceiling. His head lulled over A chunk of

1872
02:10:58.640 --> 02:11:02.399
brain matter oozed down the side of the bathtub. He

1873
02:11:02.479 --> 02:11:05.199
was sure it was supposed to hurt, but he didn't

1874
02:11:05.239 --> 02:11:11.640
feel anything anymore. The room got dimmer, the voices got quieter,

1875
02:11:12.960 --> 02:11:17.079
and Jimmy Flavor died just as quickly as he had

1876
02:11:17.159 --> 02:11:29.439
lived the end. All right, my spookies, that was a

1877
02:11:29.479 --> 02:11:35.800
fine mess of broken timelines, dead clowns, cosmic warfare, and

1878
02:11:35.840 --> 02:11:40.520
the sword of occult trouble that never stays politely locked

1879
02:11:40.960 --> 02:11:44.560
inside the book it came from. That's what I love

1880
02:11:44.640 --> 02:11:48.920
about a collection of stories like this. One reminds you

1881
02:11:49.079 --> 02:11:54.720
that reality is fragile. Another says death still has a

1882
02:11:54.760 --> 02:11:59.159
sense of humor, while another throws the whole multiverse on

1883
02:11:59.279 --> 02:12:02.920
the chopping block, and the last one proves that even

1884
02:12:03.000 --> 02:12:07.239
when a man thinks he's finally getting his big break,

1885
02:12:08.079 --> 02:12:12.840
the dark may already have his name written down not

1886
02:12:13.000 --> 02:12:17.960
in pencil either. Thanks for wandering out into the weird

1887
02:12:18.079 --> 02:12:23.039
with me tonight, and while your timeline is still mostly intact,

1888
02:12:23.199 --> 02:12:27.359
make sure you're subscribed on your favorite podcast app, because

1889
02:12:27.560 --> 02:12:33.640
there's always a brand new scary tale every single Wednesday

1890
02:12:34.119 --> 02:12:39.399
right here on Weekly Spooky. Until next time, be careful

1891
02:12:39.479 --> 02:12:43.520
what songs you turn up too loud, what books you open,

1892
02:12:44.199 --> 02:12:50.479
and what laughs you hear after midnight? Good luck