WEBVTT
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At eleven fifty nine on New Year's Eve, Jimmy learns
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the worst truth imaginable. The portal he opened wasn't a miracle.
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It was a trap, one wrong trip, one impossible moment,
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and now the airwaves belong to something inhuman.
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What's that You want to be scared to? Come with me.
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You will experience tales over our wrong ghosts and it
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is not recommended for the week.
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At Heart.
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Listeners in the dark Park. It's more funny that way
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way way. This is Weekly.
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Speaking, Hello, my spookys. It's Wednesday and New Year's Eve,
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and it's time for a little spooky in your weekly
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and one more bit of fear to end the year.
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I'm your host and narrator, Enrique Kuto, and twenty twenty
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five has been a banner year for the podcast. I
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just want to say thank you all so so much.
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We've had more listeners, more programs, more everything this year,
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and it's really made a huge difference in my life.
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I'm just really grateful. So at the end of the show,
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instead of the traditional outro we usually do, I'm going
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to go with something a little more thankful and festive.
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So make sure you stick around for that, and of course,
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if you love what we do and want to support
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us Weeklyspooky dot com slash Join is the place to go.
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But now it's time to get ready for a very special,
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terrifying New Year's tale cooked up from the twisted mind
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of Dan Wilder. So scoot closer to the fire. Tonight's
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story starts the way a lot of bad ideas do
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Two idiots one summer afternoon and music turned up way
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too loud. But what if the noise didn't just annoy
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the neighbors. What if it tore the air open like
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a seam, splitting just wide enough to reach inside and
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grab something from another time. And what if years later
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you use that same trick to reach the one thing
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you miss most, only to step through and realize you
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didn't go back to fix your life. You went back
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to break the world. Because when the clock crawls towards
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midnight on New Year's Eve, some doors should stay shut,
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because once they're opened, they never ever close. Saint Jimmy
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by Dan Wilder. When I was sixteen, I discovered a
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shocking truth that changed the course of my entire life.
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Dramatic enough for you, Well, what comes next will either
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have you ignoring me as a crackpot or and this
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is what I hope my words. So what am I
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talking about? Time travel? Of course, it went a little
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something like this. It was summer and my cousin Philip,
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and I were sitting pullside, listening to tunes and having
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a chill time until someone didn't like whatever hair metal
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masterpiece we were playing and decided to counterattack with their
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own radio a few houses away. I looked up, and
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at that moment, as the sonic waves collided, I saw
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it a shimmer, a slight disturbance, as if in a trance.
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I walked over to the phenomena. Upon further examination, it
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looked like a hazy tear in the afternoon air. And
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being both young and naive, I did what anyone want,
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I have realized was a monumentally shitty idea. I shoved
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my hand in there. I could feel something in my grasp,
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something soft, something artificial. I pulled out an inflatable beach
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ball adorned with a large Ghostbuster's logo, before the portal
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snapped shut as my cousin, who had now seen me
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standing a distance away, clicked off the radio. Hey, numb nuts,
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what are you doing? Over there. I couldn't really say.
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It made no sense, and the words failed me. So
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I just held up the ball and showed my cousin
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with a look of bewilderment on my face. As he
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sauntered over to me, he offered his usual wisdom, Are
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you just gonna play with your balls all day? Or
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are we going backside? I held the ball fourth like
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a talisman. That's when my cousin snatched the orb and
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he went from grinning to shock that ball It can't
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be His confusion did little to bring me out of
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my stupor. Let me see that. He grabbed the ball
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and examined it like a jeweler inspecting a rare stone.
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I gave this ball to my friend Jeff, Remember Jeff, Yeah,
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I managed. I gave this to him the summer of
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eighty five before he moved away, right where we're standing,
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before he yeah, before he died. You're sure this is
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the same ball. Philip rotated it, and sure enough, there
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it was. Jeff. We'll be friends forever, even if your
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dumb ass has to move, inscribed in silver sharpie on
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the black vinyl. That was four years ago. But look,
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Philip ran his fingers over the metallic ink, causing it
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to smear. The writing is still fresh. I explained where
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the ball had come from with a deep sigh, ready
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for Philip to let me have it for being both
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a liar and some sort of smart ass show me.
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He said, Oh okay, I said, before realizing I had
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zero fucking clue how to go about that. In Philip's defense,
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he immediately believed me, and for the next decade he
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was patient. After I tried every experiment to recreate the incident,
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the first thing I discovered was both the importance of
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the music's tone and the exact distance between the conflicting
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tones that would result in a time rip. Honestly, it
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wasn't complicated, didn't require any math or some fancy Victorian
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fuck chair or fancy car. It was all sound, and
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the ease of its use revealed why people had never
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figured out its secret. You can always count on a
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smart motherfucker to overcomplicate things, though, to be fair, exact
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precision placement is key. Oh and I can just feel
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when the vibration is about right in my inner ear. Anyhow,
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we could pull all sorts of shit out of there,
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and it changed depending on where we opened up the void,
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missing keys, mismatched socks, day cards. It was that last
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one that became important. My parents died about five years
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into this whole affair, and when I pulled that fucking
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card out, every bit of sorrow and loss washed over
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me in waves that became short lived. When Philip interjected
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we should try and contact them, it seemed so right.
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I'd be able to hear them one more time, tell
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them I love them one more time. A few diagrams,
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a little experimenting, and an extra phone, and we were
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off to the races. Finally, I thought I had it.
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Two phones in this case, we were using the classic
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Garfield model and one of those see through numbers like
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the one in the Guns N' Roses patience video. I
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dialed the number nervous, a number I had called one
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hundred times. It rang and rang and rang. Maybe it
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won't work this way phones and all suddenly someone picked
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up on the other end. Hello. It was unmistakably my
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mother's voice. The tears started and didn't stop. I miss
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you and Dad. Jimmy, Yeah, it's me, it's me. Static
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buzzed Jimmy, Jimmy. The line went dead. That fucking sealed
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the deal, that's for sure. If I could hear them,
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I knew I could see them again. Just a few
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more tweaks make that hole a little bigger. We had
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set up shop at the school across from where my
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parents had lived, a house that had been boarded up
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for years, as I just couldn't bear to sell it,
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but I sure as shit couldn't live there. Due to
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it being Christmas break, it was a real ghost town.
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And as soon as we picked the lock on the
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cafeteria service door and slipped inside, we set up our
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amplifiers and boom boxes and got down to fucking brass tacks.
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Philip had managed to score a camcorder and shit from
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the electronics store he worked at, and as he calibrated
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it or jammed a tape inside it or some such shit,
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I got to work on how to make that hole bigger.
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As before the exact tones were what were key, and soon,
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with guitars screaming and drums pounding, I got those signals
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to match, and boom a bigger hole. I swallowed hard,
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Wish me luck, I grabbed the camcorder and walked towards
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the sparkling gash in the universe, Good luck, dumbass. I
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stepped in and my head exploded with light and sound.
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When my senses returned, I realized where I was, exactly
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where I had stepped in, But no amps, no fillip,
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just an angry, glowing hole and a calendar on the
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wall that read nineteen eighty nine instead of nineteen ninety
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nine as it should. The school was equally abandoned, and
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I soon exited and entered parking lot. Snow was beginning
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to fall in large flakes as I trudged across the
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street to my parents' house under a full moon. No
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lights on Dad's truck, not in the driveway. Great, I
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picked the rare night they actually went somewhere. I made
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my way up the driveway and unlocked the front door
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with the key I still kept on my keychain. I
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entered the house, and even in the dark, I could
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tell that it looked exactly as it had a decade ago.
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It even smelled the same, like warm coffee and smokes,
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which you wouldn't think would be nostalgic, but totally was.
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Lights flashed outside as a car drove up the driveway.
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Definitely not Dad. He was a back ind to the
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driveway parking zelot. It then hit me, what would a
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ten years older version of myself be doing in my
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parents house. That may be hard to explain. Maybe I
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don't look that different. Maybe I can just pretend to
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be me. I hid in the seldom used downstairs closet
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and peeked out of the slightly ajar door to get
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a sense of who was coming home. The headlights retreated
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as the door opened, and the kitchen light switch was
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turned on, And there I was. Fuck nineteen eighty nine
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Me looked young. Nineteen ninety nine. Me was already overly
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tired even in my mid twenties. Oh crap, I remember
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this night. I just got back from National Lampoon's Christmas vacation. Yep,
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there's the popcorn bucket. I'm still eating from butter soaked
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kernels with sour sweet spree candy mixed in going into
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my open gob with wild abandon. Be careful, my dude,
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that shit is already catching up with me. Philip's older
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sister drove us not important, but definitely part of the
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fond memory slash dopamine hit mixed with deja vus. For me,
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at least, that sets the tone for this whole sordid shebang.
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Did I mention that the closet was just off the kitchen,
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Well it was, and I gasped as I opened the
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fridge just inches away from where I was hiding, and
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poured myself a large glass of unsweetened iced tea, then
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sauntered off to play some Nintendo and masturbate a classic
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late eighties Jimmy Knight. I remained in the closet, dizzy
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from the re experience waves of nausea, swaying to and
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fro Okay, maybe I should have thought out a little
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more what I would do when I got here, but
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it's too late to deal with that now, which seems
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ironic given what we're dealing with here. I needed to
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get back to the school and think things over. Should
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be easy, peasy, given that I'm currently distracted upstairs. I
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exited the closet with Ninja level stealth, which means I
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only knocked a minimum amount of shit everywhere as I
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awkwardly stumbled out, only to see the familiar red lights
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of my dad backing up the driveway. This was supposed
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to be sweet and emotional. Now it's an exercise in terror. Wait,
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I got it, my parents stepped into the kitchen and
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I hugged them tightly. My ruse was flawless. Upstairs, me
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couldn't care less that his parents were home, so he
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was set, and I had pulled the hood of my
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sweatshirt over my head so as to disguise the fact
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I had a completely different haircut and had put on
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a solid fifteen pounds since they left earlier. My dad,
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whom I'd never hugged a day in my life, seemed shocked,
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but my mother seemed to enjoy the sudden affectionate outburst.
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Only the phone ringing brought the picture perfect moment to
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an end, and of course it was my dumb ass
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on the other end, calling from the future. Well you've
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already heard the call, but now my parents turned to
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look at me strangely. Who was that? I asked sheepishly.
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It it sounded like you, my mother responded, confused as fuck.
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I broke out into a bit of the old unconvincing
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laughter and offered that, damn Philip, his pranks never end.
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I shot glances to my parents to see if they
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bought that one. Confusion continued to rule the room. Well
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I better head out, Where are you going an innocent question,
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but really really not needed At the moment. Before I
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could answer my mother, I heard the floorboards creak above
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the kitchen, right where my room was located. What the
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hell was I going to do? Now? If I walked
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down those stairs and popped into the kitchen to find
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me talking to my parents, shit would decidely head south
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quicker than it already was. And as if on que
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down I came to say I panicked would be an understatement.
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My dad turned and saw me entering the kitchen where
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I was currently standing. Brains were starting to break, mostly mine,
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so I did the only thing I could. I ran
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up to myself and planted a huge kiss on my
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own lips. Look, we all react to stress differently. Also,
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this was an incredibly sucky decision. Our lips collided, and
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time and space unraveled around me, both of me technically,
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and as each bizarre iteration of reality danced past my eyes,
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I mercifully lost consciousness. As a large animal roar sounded
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far in the distance. I woke up at the school.
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Philip was frantically trying to drag me out of there.
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Everything was hazy until we arrived at Philip's apartment anyway,
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a cup of coffee in hand, we began to fill
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each other in as best we could. How long was
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I gone? A week? A whole fucking week. I kept
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going back to check for you, but there was no
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sign until today. What day is it? New Year's Eve?
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Not that that's important. Tell me what went on? Did
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you see them your parents? I sure did? Details well.
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I hid in a closet, hugged my parents and kissed
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myself on the lips. It's great. Wait what I confronted
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myself and it was all I could think to do.
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That's all you could think to do. Yeah, it was
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a stressful day. So how were you? How was I? Yeah?
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As a kisser, good form, soft lips. Are you getting
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off on this?
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What?
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No? Hell? No, I was pretty good. I knew it
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the fuck you mean? You knew it? Nothing? Thinking out loud?
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What happened next? You know, a total falling apart of
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reality and maybe a monstrous growl or two, and then
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you came through a week later? Apparently? Do you think
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00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:55.920
you fucked anything up? What do you mean, like? Did
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you break some sort of time travel law or something?
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When pass in future? You locked lips? How the hell?
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Do I know. I'm just some motherfucker that discovered he
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could fuck with time because White Snake and Rat were
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cranked up to the nines. Fair point. What's next? What's next?
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There is no next mission? Complete. Now we grab some
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eggnog and watch the ball drop. We can't stop now
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it worked. You sent yourself back in time. Imagine what
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we could see, what we could experience. We can stop
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at the wei part. It's my ass going through those portals.
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It's that bad of an experience, honestly, No minus that
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trip back. So let's do it again. Not sold, my dude.
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Maybe in the New Year. Well, if the computers all
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go tits up come twelve oh one, we may need
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to beat a rich I read anyway, that's just media bullshit.
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I'm sure a computer can handle a fucking zero. Besides,
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isn't like it already two thousand in Australia. Switch on
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the tube. I bet things are solid down under as predicted.
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The news showed New Year's Eve going down without a
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hitch in various locales. See no problem, turn it over
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to the ball for a fraction of a second. The
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apartment seemed different, heavily fortified, but Dick Clark distracted me,
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or the lack of him. Turns out they weren't doing
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the televised ball drop in favor of some y two
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K flavored news bullshit? Is there a three Stooges marathon
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on or something? Philip began cycling through the stations before
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find the anticipated hilarious violence. Ah, there it is, Moe
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00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:10.079
grinding a handsaw across Curly's bald head, metal teeth flying
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from the blade. I laughed, Philip laughed. A commercial broke
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in for some y two K preparedness video hosted by Spock,
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00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:25.720
of all people, we laughed at that too, until a
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sweaty Peter Jennings interrupted our slap happy good times. What
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I'm about to report to you is unbelievable, but it
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00:24:35.880 --> 00:24:41.319
is happening. The camera pulled out slightly, revealing a skeletal
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arm holding a knife threatening the revered news anchor. An invasion,
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00:24:47.279 --> 00:24:57.240
A surreal invasion is taking place. Creatures, monsters. The feed
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00:24:57.359 --> 00:25:03.359
went to static before revealing a reptilian face, cobalt blue
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and toothy filling the frame. The figure leaned back, revealing
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a t Rex clad in a leather get up with
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a World War II Nazi helmet, balancing on its nightmare noggin.
300
00:25:19.000 --> 00:25:24.160
Before the dinosaur even uttered a word, I realized just
301
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how much I fucked up. The t rex shifted on
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his throne, constructed of mangled cars and bones, and cleared
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its throat, which was a fever dream in and of itself.
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Philip looked at me sternly. All I could do was shrug.
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People of timeline one eight eight zero eight seven to
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two hear me.
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00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:56.079
I Caligula Khan, the hero of the Battle of zerth six,
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God of the Compsognathus, order of exileiastic shit sharpshooters, principle
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00:26:02.160 --> 00:26:06.119
of Miss Mary's Home for Wayward Girls, and all around
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00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:12.680
draconian leader have arrived here to expand my dominion. We
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sat open mouthed. You will bow before my leather daddy
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bone boys, and turn yourselves into your local reassignment center
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following this very broadcast. There you will receive further instructions
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00:26:29.680 --> 00:26:33.960
A fast moving list of addresses scrolled before returning to
315
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:40.640
Caligula Khan. Also, unauthorized music played at loud volume is
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00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:47.240
hereby for boten shit. I think he's on to us now.
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Credit where credit is due. None of this would be
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00:26:51.799 --> 00:26:56.200
possible without the help of my Chrono Lost Romeo buddy
319
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Saint Jimmy behind Khan a giant banner unfurled, revealing a
320
00:27:03.240 --> 00:27:08.480
portrait of myself adorned in saintly attire. My lips were
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00:27:08.559 --> 00:27:13.839
full and deep, Crimson, and I was preparing to suck
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my own dick. Brilliant phillips glare intensified.
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What well.
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I hope you enjoyed that smooch, because your foreplay is
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00:27:24.279 --> 00:27:28.720
going to end in all of us getting fucked. Oh yeah,
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00:27:28.759 --> 00:27:34.839
I totally planned this knock it off, but you did it.
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00:27:34.839 --> 00:27:38.599
It was kind of virgin territory. There isn't an instruction
328
00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:42.359
manual for something that shouldn't exist outside of a rerun
329
00:27:42.400 --> 00:27:46.359
of Doctor Fucking Who. How are you going to fix it?
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00:27:47.559 --> 00:27:51.079
Now that I've unleashed Godzilla Hitler on the world, it's
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you and not we. Huh, that's right, Philip, phil Philly
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Cheese Steak. Come on, I'm probably going to need some
333
00:28:01.880 --> 00:28:06.559
assistance if I'm going to save our reality and all well,
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00:28:06.640 --> 00:28:10.000
count me out. This is all way too much. I
335
00:28:10.119 --> 00:28:14.359
need to clear my head. And with that, Philip exited
336
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stage left and straight into the gentle embrace of Khan's
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leather fetish skeletons. This was rapidly getting out of hand.
338
00:28:27.440 --> 00:28:31.799
I sat in Philip's apartment and thought things through, which
339
00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:36.200
was a clear mistake given the absolute lunatic asylum nature
340
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of the biz at hand. The image of that banner
341
00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:44.640
kept coming back to haunt my thoughts. Then it occurred
342
00:28:44.680 --> 00:28:48.240
to me step one should be to lean into that shit.
343
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A thought pounded its way into my mind with that
344
00:28:51.759 --> 00:28:56.039
old deja vus. I grabbed a bag of powdered sugar
345
00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:58.839
that freaky phil liked to use in his morning coffee,
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00:28:59.519 --> 00:29:04.079
mostly because I just couldn't help myself. Like Philip, I
347
00:29:04.160 --> 00:29:08.359
brazenly strolled from the apartment to the street below. But
348
00:29:08.519 --> 00:29:14.400
as with a lot of things, results may vary. I
349
00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:18.599
hit the streets, but any skeletal forces I encountered, went
350
00:29:18.680 --> 00:29:23.480
down on one knee and made an exaggerated blowjob motion,
351
00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:27.559
but it was more station of the cross rather than
352
00:29:28.160 --> 00:29:33.960
mocking wise assery. Plan. I need a plan, I repeated
353
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:40.319
in a hushed sing song tone. Skeletons, people screaming, whispered
354
00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:45.519
curses wished upon me. None of this was helping. Obviously,
355
00:29:45.599 --> 00:29:48.640
more time travel was going to be the answer, but
356
00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:52.960
blasting hair metal would attract the ire of those bonehead
357
00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:58.079
bastards lickety freakin' split. So I walked and I thought
358
00:29:59.119 --> 00:30:03.640
until a glove skeletal hand fell on my shoulder from behind.
359
00:30:04.559 --> 00:30:08.319
The being spoke, but a giant ball gag prevented any
360
00:30:08.400 --> 00:30:16.359
words from being remotely intelligible. Sorry, pal, no comprende, it
361
00:30:16.480 --> 00:30:20.720
mumbled a few more times. I pointed towards the gag,
362
00:30:21.079 --> 00:30:24.960
which the skeleton removed with a wet pop that defied
363
00:30:25.079 --> 00:30:32.119
logic given the creature's lack of saliva. Jimmy, who's asking?
364
00:30:33.240 --> 00:30:39.519
Technically me, skeleton five six seven eight? What's your name? Basically?
365
00:30:39.599 --> 00:30:44.519
I mean, as far as this occupation is concerned, it's
366
00:30:44.559 --> 00:30:48.960
so informal. I agree. Do you have like a first
367
00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:51.960
and last name or is it just mister five six
368
00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:57.359
seven eight Oliver? What my name is? Oliver? Do you
369
00:30:57.400 --> 00:31:02.960
have a last name? Close off, Oliver, clothes off. You've
370
00:31:02.960 --> 00:31:07.480
gotta be fucking with me, No, that is forbidden. Only
371
00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:11.880
Saint Jimmy may fornicate with Saint Jimmy. The regret over
372
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:15.799
this conversation was beginning to surge like a mighty river
373
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:23.440
rolling my eyes. I hesitantly asked, Okay, Oliver, what can
374
00:31:23.480 --> 00:31:27.559
I do for you? The Great Kahn requests an audience
375
00:31:27.640 --> 00:31:32.440
with you? Of course he does, But isn't he in Manhattan?
376
00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:35.480
That's like three hours from here, and I don't have
377
00:31:35.519 --> 00:31:39.720
any wheels, my man. Two more skeletons joined the first,
378
00:31:40.279 --> 00:31:46.240
carrying boomboxes and kneeled. They played an unholy amalgamation of
379
00:31:46.519 --> 00:31:51.000
Celine Dion and Mariah Carey, which opened a vivid lavender
380
00:31:51.119 --> 00:32:03.720
hole that Oliver shoved me into without warning. I crash
381
00:32:03.839 --> 00:32:07.640
landed hard before the t rex is thrown, as I
382
00:32:07.720 --> 00:32:12.240
had a thought, Shit, the tones can be used for
383
00:32:12.319 --> 00:32:18.880
spontaneous teleportation. That one never occurred to me. Saint Jimmy
384
00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:26.160
in the flesh, Praise be the dinosaur hissed, Praise be
385
00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:34.519
the skeleton throng in attendance, repeated reverently. So what can
386
00:32:34.519 --> 00:32:36.920
I do for you? Not a hell of a lot
387
00:32:37.079 --> 00:32:43.319
besides what you've already done. Great. Well, Uh, you're welcome.
388
00:32:43.799 --> 00:32:49.440
Guess I'll be moseying along, not so fast. I'd be
389
00:32:49.640 --> 00:32:55.839
honored if you'd be my guest here. Guest, Yeah, guest
390
00:32:56.119 --> 00:33:04.279
like feasts and shit? Sounds cool? But what's the catch? No, catch. Okay,
391
00:33:04.440 --> 00:33:07.799
I'm game. Do you have like a table or some
392
00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:13.720
shit we can gnawsh around? Indeed, I do. Con rose
393
00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:18.160
from his throne and removed his helmet, revealing a jade
394
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:23.519
green mohawk equal parts hair and feathers. He shook his
395
00:33:23.599 --> 00:33:27.480
punk rock mane with wild abandon and gestured towards a
396
00:33:27.559 --> 00:33:31.519
giant blood red curtain, which fell to reveal a long
397
00:33:32.160 --> 00:33:36.680
wooden table, the far end of which ended in a cage.
398
00:33:37.680 --> 00:33:42.799
Let me guess I'm sitting at the kid's table. I spat,
399
00:33:43.319 --> 00:33:48.079
gesturing towards the seat inside the cage. It's just a
400
00:33:48.119 --> 00:33:52.720
precaution in case you have any designs on pissing on
401
00:33:52.839 --> 00:33:58.000
my parade and all, I wouldn't dream of it. I
402
00:33:58.119 --> 00:34:04.640
would hence the ounce of prevention. Caligula Khan motion towards
403
00:34:04.680 --> 00:34:10.480
the cage, and I obliged. The courses came fast and furious,
404
00:34:10.559 --> 00:34:15.199
and I have to admit the banquet was choice. What
405
00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:19.119
exactly is your plan for all this? I asked, through
406
00:34:19.280 --> 00:34:24.400
chicken grease smeared lips. Not much, really, just a little
407
00:34:24.440 --> 00:34:28.159
shift in the ruling class, turn a couple million folks
408
00:34:28.199 --> 00:34:34.159
into skeletons under my sway, Just a Tuesday, really and
409
00:34:34.559 --> 00:34:39.360
my part in this your Tiger Beat cover material baby
410
00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:44.599
a pretty relatable human face to soothe and rally the masses.
411
00:34:46.039 --> 00:34:51.519
So a traitor to the human race, but cute. Basically
412
00:34:52.559 --> 00:34:56.239
I can live with that, I lied, taking another bite
413
00:34:56.280 --> 00:35:02.639
of roast chicken. Excellent. Now let's begin the night's entertainment.
414
00:35:03.519 --> 00:35:09.039
Pyro and screeching guitars heralded the arrival of both Whitesnake
415
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:14.719
and Rat with a sizeable portion of original members. The
416
00:35:14.760 --> 00:35:19.880
guitars grew quiet, and the performance began with both bands
417
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:25.320
whisper singing a collection of their respective greatest hits. Shit
418
00:35:26.159 --> 00:35:29.440
this as Lips was definitely hitting all the right notes
419
00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:35.159
to get my attention while simultaneously assuring no time Shenanigans
420
00:35:35.199 --> 00:35:39.239
would fuck up his Christmas, so to speak. It was
421
00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:44.360
then I remembered my stash from Philip's place. Rat Stephen
422
00:35:44.440 --> 00:35:49.920
Parsy came close, crooning way cool, Junior, and I held
423
00:35:49.960 --> 00:35:55.400
aloft my magic bag and said, by the power of cocaine,
424
00:35:55.960 --> 00:36:01.480
you shall sing louder kind of anyway. It a hey, kids,
425
00:36:01.599 --> 00:36:04.880
drugs play louder and don't let Satan's minions know about it,
426
00:36:05.039 --> 00:36:08.559
and you'll get your booger candy directly, and by the
427
00:36:08.599 --> 00:36:13.400
time they realized that the Columbian gold was actually overprocessed sugar,
428
00:36:14.079 --> 00:36:18.360
I'd be balls deep in the time stream words spread
429
00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:22.679
fast among the performers assembled that Saint Jimmy was holding
430
00:36:23.239 --> 00:36:26.480
and he'd give it up for maximum strength rock and roll.
431
00:36:27.400 --> 00:36:31.480
Each band tore through hit after hit, each song getting
432
00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:36.800
progressively louder, until I finally caught glimpse of that sparkling
433
00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:42.239
portal right inside my prison. And when Khan was distracted
434
00:36:42.280 --> 00:36:45.719
by an errand piece of meat lodged between two of
435
00:36:45.800 --> 00:36:49.960
his copious teeth, I made my move and tipped right
436
00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.360
into the gateway. As that fabric tour, I could have
437
00:36:54.440 --> 00:37:04.679
sworn that rat was comprised of human sized hair metal rodents.
438
00:37:04.760 --> 00:37:09.280
I emerged in nineteen eighty nine Manhattan with no plan
439
00:37:09.480 --> 00:37:14.800
and no clue, which admittedly was right on brand, but
440
00:37:14.920 --> 00:37:18.280
at the very least there was no t Rex overlords
441
00:37:18.400 --> 00:37:23.760
or kinky skeletons. Maybe, with things said at least somewhat
442
00:37:23.800 --> 00:37:27.719
back to normal, maybe I could attempt to sort this
443
00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:32.400
mess out. As I walked through Times Square, I quickly
444
00:37:32.480 --> 00:37:36.159
learned that the mess was much deeper than I thought.
445
00:37:36.960 --> 00:37:41.320
For starters. Every neon drenched billboard that featured a human
446
00:37:41.480 --> 00:37:47.159
form was off by quite a large margin, as every
447
00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:54.320
actor or brand spokesmodel was now in anthropomorphic feline. Fuck
448
00:37:55.039 --> 00:37:58.599
I hope real rat based rat never ends up here
449
00:38:00.119 --> 00:38:05.000
passed a sign for the hot Broadway musical Humans, which
450
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:09.719
featured catfolk in flashy costumes and makeup to make them
451
00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:14.360
appear as Homo sapiens. I pulled my hood tight over
452
00:38:14.400 --> 00:38:19.519
my face because that worked aces last time. But admittedly
453
00:38:20.079 --> 00:38:25.360
that's all I had at the moment until genius struck.
454
00:38:26.480 --> 00:38:29.599
Maybe I could go a bit sideways, end up in
455
00:38:29.679 --> 00:38:33.239
summer of nineteen eighty nine and stop myself from making
456
00:38:33.320 --> 00:38:37.599
this discovery in the first place. Technically I had all
457
00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:40.639
the time in the world to work on this little
458
00:38:41.159 --> 00:38:51.119
brain teaser. Long story longer. I hid out in cat
459
00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:54.599
Haattan and worked on finding tones that could send me
460
00:38:54.679 --> 00:38:58.119
where I needed to go. I had help, of course,
461
00:38:58.679 --> 00:39:03.400
including faithful Fluffy Perhams, a long haired Persian cat with
462
00:39:03.480 --> 00:39:08.639
an innate aptitude for time travel. And as Fluffy licked
463
00:39:08.639 --> 00:39:13.239
his hand slash pause and wished me adieu, I stepped
464
00:39:13.239 --> 00:39:20.280
into the shimmering void and hoped for the best. I
465
00:39:20.360 --> 00:39:25.400
emerged behind a bush in Philip's backyard. There we were
466
00:39:25.559 --> 00:39:29.599
just lounging by the pool, stuffing our faces with cool
467
00:39:29.679 --> 00:39:35.639
Ranch Doritos music blaring. This was going to require cracker
468
00:39:35.760 --> 00:39:39.960
jack timing, but that fucking radio is going to get
469
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:43.920
turned down and prevent this horse crap from becoming a reality.
470
00:39:45.119 --> 00:39:48.480
I stealthed my way around the deck until I was
471
00:39:48.519 --> 00:39:52.960
positioned behind the radio and out of sight. I reached
472
00:39:53.039 --> 00:39:56.800
up to turn it off. What the fuck? Who's down there?
473
00:39:57.440 --> 00:40:02.360
Philip exclaimed? Before I knew it, Philip and I were
474
00:40:02.800 --> 00:40:07.719
looking down at me from the deck. Dude, he looks
475
00:40:07.840 --> 00:40:12.800
just like you, but like older time comes for us
476
00:40:12.840 --> 00:40:18.119
all ass lips, I spat back. He sounds like you too.
477
00:40:18.320 --> 00:40:21.199
I reached into my hoodie in the desperate hope to
478
00:40:21.280 --> 00:40:27.480
find a distraction, but came up empty. Desperate times indeed,
479
00:40:28.760 --> 00:40:33.719
then it hit me, holy shit, guys, is that Kelly
480
00:40:33.800 --> 00:40:39.800
Bundy and those dipshits actually looked. I grabbed the radio
481
00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:43.639
and booked it across the yard. I could hear Philip
482
00:40:43.679 --> 00:40:49.360
angrily discover my Christina Applegate centric ruse. I ran further
483
00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:53.400
almost to the back gate, and then out on the streets.
484
00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:57.320
I ducked into a neighbor's shed and caught my breath.
485
00:40:58.639 --> 00:41:03.159
The deep laughter came soon, pure relief over a situation
486
00:41:03.360 --> 00:41:07.519
well and truly avoided. I must have sat in there
487
00:41:07.559 --> 00:41:12.679
for a half hour, wallowing in my success. Finally I
488
00:41:12.760 --> 00:41:16.280
gathered myself and peeked out of the shed to check
489
00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:17.559
if the coast was clear.
490
00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:19.039
Shit.
491
00:41:20.119 --> 00:41:25.559
The entire yard was filled with leather clad skeletons. I
492
00:41:25.639 --> 00:41:30.559
shut the door quietly. What the hell I took the
493
00:41:30.679 --> 00:41:35.280
damn radio, I thought. The air and the shed filled
494
00:41:35.320 --> 00:41:41.119
with the heady aroma of catnip and burning ozone. A
495
00:41:41.159 --> 00:41:46.760
portal opened and Fluffy emerged in full military regalia, and
496
00:41:46.840 --> 00:41:50.880
he was flocked by other hard ass cats, as well
497
00:41:50.920 --> 00:41:57.000
as at least five different versions of myself. I messed up,
498
00:41:57.079 --> 00:42:01.199
huh in a way, But there's there's no time to explain.
499
00:42:01.960 --> 00:42:06.360
We need to go, and off I went to try
500
00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:11.760
and firefight countless variables across time with an army of
501
00:42:11.840 --> 00:42:27.559
cat people and me, Well, my spookys, the year has
502
00:42:27.679 --> 00:42:31.719
come to a close. I know it wasn't a very
503
00:42:31.760 --> 00:42:35.760
easy year for many of you, but I'm so honored
504
00:42:35.840 --> 00:42:42.480
that this podcast, this little simple desire to feel like
505
00:42:42.599 --> 00:42:47.239
Halloween all year long, a desire felt by myself and
506
00:42:47.320 --> 00:42:52.559
a group of very talented authors could become a part
507
00:42:52.679 --> 00:42:57.360
of that year for you. I know there's a lot
508
00:42:57.400 --> 00:42:59.519
of new people listening, a lot of people who joined
509
00:42:59.559 --> 00:43:02.639
us in our sober and decided to stick around through
510
00:43:02.639 --> 00:43:05.719
the holidays. So I just want to say thank you
511
00:43:06.679 --> 00:43:10.119
from the bottom of my heart. I'm so honored to
512
00:43:10.280 --> 00:43:14.039
entertain you and to bring you all of these wild
513
00:43:14.119 --> 00:43:17.679
and wonderful and creepy stories from so many different authors,
514
00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:21.760
to bring you terrifying in true episodes about folklore and
515
00:43:21.800 --> 00:43:26.639
true crime that fascinates me and can fascinate you. This
516
00:43:26.760 --> 00:43:33.760
show is, in many many ways a dream come true
517
00:43:33.840 --> 00:43:35.880
as a young man, as a little kid.
518
00:43:35.639 --> 00:43:41.880
Who just loved Halloween so much because it felt like home.
519
00:43:43.280 --> 00:43:46.000
Now I get to celebrate it multiple times a week
520
00:43:46.639 --> 00:43:48.920
with all of you. And it's because of all of
521
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:51.079
you that I can keep doing it, and I can
522
00:43:51.159 --> 00:43:54.679
keep bringing you new types of content, new little shows
523
00:43:54.800 --> 00:43:58.079
like this Week in Horror History, cutting deep into horror
524
00:43:58.119 --> 00:43:58.559
and so.
525
00:43:58.519 --> 00:43:59.519
On and so forth.
526
00:44:00.719 --> 00:44:06.320
It's an incredible, incredible thing to behold. I moved deeply
527
00:44:06.400 --> 00:44:11.559
by it. So thank you all so much for joining us,
528
00:44:11.800 --> 00:44:15.280
for listening for sharing a little bit of your spooky
529
00:44:15.360 --> 00:44:19.760
side with us. That's all I have to say. No
530
00:44:19.960 --> 00:44:23.000
sales pitch, no run down of anywhere you need to
531
00:44:23.039 --> 00:44:24.639
go or things you need to do for me. You've
532
00:44:24.679 --> 00:44:27.960
already done more than enough, So now I'm going to
533
00:44:28.039 --> 00:44:31.880
take a much needed break because I publish damn near
534
00:44:31.920 --> 00:44:35.039
every day since October, and I'll be back soon to
535
00:44:35.039 --> 00:44:40.000
be the voice of your spooky fun. Thank you and
536
00:44:40.079 --> 00:44:40.840
Happy New Year.
