WEBVTT
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Hello, my spookies. It's February, the month of Love. But
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of course love doesn't always take a traditional approach. That's
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just not how life works. Sometimes things get messy when
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it comes to matters of the heart and other internal organs.
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So tonight I'm presenting to you seven of the most eerie,
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creepy and messy stories about that little thing called love
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to get you ready for Valentine's Day next week. And
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don't worry. Next week on Wednesday, we have a brand
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new Valentine's Day novella just for you to listen to.
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So make sure you're subscribed, And on Valentine's Day itself
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next Friday, a compilation of some Valentine's Day stories to
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make sure you're in the mood. Make sure you're subscribed,
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and get cozy and let's fire it up. Love Conquers
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All by Joe Salmon. Brian, put your dick back in
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your pants, Derek said, as the two stood alone under
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the stars. The acres of alfalfa surrounded them on Derek's
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dad's farm. We got some drinking to do, he finished,
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and put his hand on Brian's shoulder. Brian, having emptied
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his bladder, quickly zipped up and followed Derek back to
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the little campfire they had in a small clearing in
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the fields where their friends and more importantly, their dates waited.
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Somehow he managed to get a date with Chelsea Hammer,
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and he was fully aware of her reputation, although it's
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been a few hours and she didn't seem all that
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promiscuous to him. Chad slammed a can of piss warm
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beer into his chest as he cleared through the oats
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and alfalfa plants surrounding them. He smiled when Brian doubled over. Thanks, asshole,
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Brian said through clenched teeth. He looked over at Chelsea
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to see she had noticed. She rolled her eyes at him. Great,
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just great, Becca, you need another beer, Chad asked, and
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before she could answer, he tossed her one. She missed
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it and it landed on the fertile soil next to her.
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Too slow, really bad reflexes, Chad said, and laughed loudly. Chad,
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maybe you should cool it, eh, Derek said, I'm usually
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the asshole here, and if I notice you are, how
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big of an asshole? Does that make you? Mind your
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own business? Dare I noticed that you're the only one
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that didn't bring no pussy to bang, Chad said in
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a slur. Becca said in disgust. She stood up and
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crossed her arms. I want to go home. Oh come on, babe,
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I didn't mean anything by it, Chad said, and stumbled
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over to her, trying to plant a kiss on her cheek.
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She avoided the contact, and Chad fell down on his face,
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crushing the smaller alfalfa plants mixed with the oats. Chelsea,
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are you gonna suck my dick tonight or what? Brian
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asked her flat out. She had to know, that's why
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he invited her out to Derek's family farm. What absolutely not,
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Chelsea said, offended, and stood up. She grabbed the towel
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she had been sitting on that the boys provided them
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and covered her shoulders from the cold fall air. Come on, Becca,
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I'll drive you home. This was a waste of time.
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Come back, Chad called out after them, but they disappeared
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into the field in the night. Man, what we need
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is girls that'll do what we want. Chad said that slavery,
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Jack asked, Derek said, pouring his piss warm beer on
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the fire pit to put it out. Come on, Night's over.
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Come on, man, it's early yet, not even like midnight.
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Chad complained, I don't really feel like partying anymore. This
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night sucked. Brian chimed in. Derek picked up the plastic
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handle on the cooler, the cooler without ice, and started
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to drag it down the path to the side road
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they'd made in his father's field so they could party
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out there undisturbed. I brought the cooler. Why did I
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have to bring the ice too? Don't let those bitches
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ruin our night, man, It's their loss anyway. You know
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what I'm packing in here, Chad asked, grabbing his groin.
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Bitch probably would have choked anyway from the stench. When's
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the last time you showered, man? You looked like shit anyway,
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Derek retorted. As they reached the road, all three of
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them watched as the girls drove off in Chelsea's dad's
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dodge Ram. Chad flipped them off. I knew I should
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have insisted that I drove. Then she wouldn't have been
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able to leave, Chad said, to what end? Like? Seriously?
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Brian said, unlocking the corolla his parents got him for
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graduating last year. They told him he could use it
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to drive to college. They were so proud of him.
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All he'd done since was get drunk in fields and
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try to get laid. He wondered if they were still proud.
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He wasn't sure. Well, if they stayed with us and
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got to know us, Chad began, let me cut you
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off there, Chad. The longer they were with us, the
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more they would have disliked us. There ain't nothing to
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like about us. Can't you see that? There ain't no
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girls around here that would give us the time of day.
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Derek said, Now, go home so I can crawl into
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bed and rub one out before I pass out. What
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are we supposed to do then, go into the city
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and get hookers and catch one of those veterinary diseases?
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Chad asked, Maybe we just conjure one up. Brian joked
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and shivered in the chill of the early November night air. Yeah,
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we can just dress a scarecrow up women's clothes and
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take turns fucking her a pussy. Chad said, somehow, it
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seems less demeaning than getting rejected by real girls all
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the time. Brian said, my dad catches us fucking one
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of his scarecrows and he'll beat my ass again, Derek
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shouted at them again. Chad and Brian asked at the
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same time, Well, not for the same thing. Derek replied sure.
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Chad said, but you know you might be onto something.
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I think they built a woman in that movie from
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the eighties. Why couldn't we do that? We don't have
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a computer, asshole. Brian chimed in as he got everything
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packed into the car. Can we go now? They got
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one down at the library. I can ask Old Pete
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about it. He's the smartest person I know. If anyone
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would know how to do it, it'd be him, Chad
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said in a eureka moment. Brian dismissed him and climbed
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into the car. Let's go the next night. Two in
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the morning, zero hour. Time to finish and go to sleep,
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Derek thought as he held his phone in one hand
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and his dick in the other. He only dropped it
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twice on his face this time. They should make a
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headband that holds your phone for when you're watching porn,
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he thought, just as he finished into a dirty sock.
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He used the outside to wipe himself off a bit
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and tossed it onto the floor of his dirty room
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in a satisfied sigh. It only felt like a few
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seconds before there was a weird sound from outside. Perplexed,
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Derek rose out of bed and threw on a pair
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of sweatpants the dirty sock had landed on. Ignoring the cold,
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wet spot, he made his way to a window, looking
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towards the seemingly endless fields. His dad maintained, What the fuck?
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He whispered and opened his window. Chad and Brian were
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standing there. Behind them was a wheelbarrow, and was that
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someone in it? He couldn't quite make it out in
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the dark. What are you guys doing here, Derek asked
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in an angry whisper, waiting for you to finish? Chad replied,
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took you long enough. How's your nose? You were watching me?
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Never mind, what do you want, Derek asked, Meet us
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out in the field. We'll explain it all. Chad said
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with a smile and grabbed the wooden handles on the
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wheelbarrow and took off into the field, leaving an obvious trail.
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This was why we always went in from the road.
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Plausible deniability, Derek thought, as his gaze went from a
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bewildered Brian to his room. As he looked around for
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some clothes to wear. You gonna follow him in a second.
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I got a shit mind if I come in, Brian asked,
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don't wake my folks and hurry up. They met Chad
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in the clearing waiting for them, a bunch of weird
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stuff laid out around them. What's all this, Derek asked,
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We gonna get laid tonight, Chad said, Brian agreed. Derek
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realized he could see his breath in the cold air
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and wished he'd brought a thicker jacket. The plants were
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going to die tonight in the frost. He watched as
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Chad kept checking his phone and looking around the clearing
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like he was reading a recipe and making sure he
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had all the parts. He placed a single rose to
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the left of the wheelbarrow and a black Swan DVD
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to the right. You want to explain how, Derek asked.
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Chad went to see Old Pete at the library and
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he explained it all to him. Apparently they looked up
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the particulars online, but the printer was broke, so Chad
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had to type it all into his phone. Remember how
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that girl from Milford broke his camera when he tried
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to get a pick of her peeing over there, Brian
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explained as he pointed to the part of the field
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they all used to piss on nights like this. Yeah,
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I remember Stacy or something like that, Derek said, Stacia. Anyway,
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he got it all down and now we can do it,
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Brian said, excitedly. Do what exactly.
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Sh it was only the wind. You're safe, weekly spooky,
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We'll be right back.
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Have a woman that don't want to have sex with
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us all the time. Chad chimed in, You see, it's
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real simple. Old Pete said that what you need to
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do is someon something that likes to have sex and
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whamo there you go. You mean like a succubis. Derek asked,
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oh no, Pete said that would be a mistake. He's
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done that before and it didn't end well at all.
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Did you know Old Pete is only thirty two years old.
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He looks seventy. He said. It was from a night
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with a succubus, he said, to someon something nicer, like
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a love goddess. Chad said, and how do we do that?
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Derek asked, getting annoyed at Chad. Well, we looked into
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it and found this old Greek book about their mythology
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and shit. It had these rituals where you would offer
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things to the gods and they would come and accept
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the gifts. Old Pete says, all the gods are real.
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They pop into reality as long as one person believes
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in them. Chad finished, as he removed the body from
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the wheelbarrow and placed it into the center of the
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figure he had drawn in the soil around them. What
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is that, Derek asked a vessel. Brian explained, like a ship, No,
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like a host. The gods can't come to our world
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without a body to inhabit. I took one of your
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dad's old scarecrows from the cornfield over there, Chad said,
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pointing off into the distance. Guess we will be fucking
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a scarecrow after all, Brian said and laughed. You don't
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believe any of this shit, do you, Derek asked him.
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Brian always seemed like the most level headed of them.
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If it works, great, If not, I had no better
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plans tonight anyway, his friend explained, with a hint of sadness.
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And you're basing this all on what some old librarian
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told you, Derek asked them. Oh, Pete, isn't the librarian.
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He lives behind the library in the alley. Chad clarified.
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Sometimes he'll tell you about his crazy adventures for a
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forty crazy is right? Derek said, What do I have
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to do so this can fail and I can go
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back to bed? I knew you'd be into it, Chad said,
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and handed him a grocery bag full of fall colored leaves.
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He pointed at the scarecrow. What am I doing with this?
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Derek wondered out loud. Stuff it's bra man. We want
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to give her big old titties, don't we, Chad said.
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Derek looked at Brian for a hint of reason to
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this night, but he just nodded his agreement, then made
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hand gestures of how big he would suggest. Shaking his head,
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Derek went over to the scarecrow and began to stuff
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its shirt. Is this makeup? Where did you get makeup
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to put on my father's scarecrow? Here? Mom's room? Chad said,
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and laughed. Brian laughed too. Even Derek grinned a little
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bit at the lame your mom joke. Okay, I think
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everything is where old Pete told me to set it up.
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All I gotta do is read the passage, and we
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should summon a love goddess to pleasure us. Chad explained,
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remember to read it exactly as you wrote it down.
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Old Pete said that was the most important part. If
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we screw it up, we don't know what could happen,
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Brian said, adjusting the scarecrow a little bit to the left.
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I got it, Chad said, it's only a few sentences.
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I think I can handle it. From the depths of
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the other planes, from the space beyond mortal men, we
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call you forth with these gifts, symbols of your power
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and prowess. We bring you forth, mother of love, passion,
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and beauty. We ask that you bestow your attributes on
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us with this A slight pause as Chad giggled. This
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Alfalfa is scratchy, Brian said, pulling his leg away from
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the dying plant. In fact, all the plants around them
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were dying. It looks like a pale light was draining
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from them into the scarecrow. Come forth, Alfalfa diiti, Chad
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called out. A distant boom was heard, and Chad turned
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towards his friends. Shit, what did I just say? You
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fucked up the name, you idiot, Brian said, I meant aphrodite.
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You're the one who mentioned alfalfa. So what happens now,
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Brian asked. Think we're about to find out, Derek answered.
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As the scarecrow started to twitch on the ground. The
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face a pumpkin with his mother's makeup on it, turned
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towards him. Its drawn on mouth somehow became animated and
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opened into a womanly scream. They all backed up to
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the edge of the clearing as they watched the thing
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stand up awkwardly. The hay wound its way through the