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Hello, my spookies. I hope you're all having a wonderful Friday.
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I wanted to bring you one more piece of the
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best of two thy twenty four, a year full of
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scares and surprises here at Weekly Spooky, and as I
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was picking through some of the most memorable moments on
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the show, I realized this one was a bit different.
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Because as I have been slowly compiling the total works
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of Edgar Allan Poe and narrating them for all of
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you to hear, I'm occasionally surprised by the stories. I
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find stories that I had never heard of, like the
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story hop Frog, which I did in November of last year.
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But this story is called never Bet the Devil your Head.
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I had never heard of this story in any way,
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shape or form. I'd never read it as a kid,
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I had never read about it on Wikipedia. Nothing. This story,
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as far as I was concerned, was completely and utterly new,
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and boy was it a lot of fun in that
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creepy way that only Edgar Allan Poe can present. If
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you missed it last year, now is your opportunity to
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give this one a listen. As we wrap up the
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best of twenty twenty four and if you've heard it before,
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well get comfortable and give it one more listen, because
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it's important to know the proper etiquette when it comes
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to dealing with the devil. Make sure you're subscribed on
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your favorite podcasting app like Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and
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while you're there, leave us a five star rating. It
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really helps new spookies find the show. And if you
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love what we're doing here, what we've been doing for
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almost six years right here at Weekly Spooky, please consider
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becoming a patron, backing us every month for a small
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fee of as little as one dollar a month. By
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going to Weekly Spooky dot Com slash join, you get
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two bonus shows every single month, as well as five
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years of prior bonus content including audiobooks, creepypastas, and so
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much more. That's at Weeklyspooky dot Com slash Join. But
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now please get comfortable, get something warm to drink, because
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after this quick break, we are going to chill you
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with the words of Edgar Allan Poe. Remember you're safe
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until the clock strikes midnight. That's when the story begins.
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Never bet the Devil your Head. A Tale with a
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Moral by Edgar Allan Poe contal. Ke las constumbres de
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un attour, says Don Thomas de las Thoris in the
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preface to his amatory poems siempreras i castas iporto mupoco
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ke nocion iglumente severas sos obras, meaning in plain English
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that provided the morals of an author are pure personally,
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it signifies nothing. What are the morals of his books?
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We presume that Don Thomas is now in purgatory for
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the assertion. It would be a clever thing too, in
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the way of poetical justice, to keep him there until
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his amatory poems get out of print or are laid
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definitely upon the shelf through lack of readers. Every fiction
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should have a moral, and what is more, to the purpose,
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the critics have discovered that every fiction has. Philip Melenchthon
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some time ago wrote a commentary upon the Batrocomiakia and
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proved that the poet's object was to excite a distaste
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for sedition. Pierre Lacine, going a step farther, shows that
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the intention was to recommend to young men temperance in
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eating and drinking. Just so too, Jacobus Hugo has satisfied
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himself that Eunice Homer meant to insinuate John Calvin, by
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Antinius Martin Luther, by Latofoggi Protestants in general, and by
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the Harpies. The Dutch our more modern Scholassies are equally acute.
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These fellows demonstrate a hidden meaning in the Antivillians, a
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parable of the Powaton new views in cock Robin and
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Transcendentalism in hop O my Thumb. In short, it has
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been shown that no man can sit down to write
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without a very profound design. Thus, to authors in general,
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much trouble is spared. A novelist, for example, need have
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no care of his moral It is there, that is
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to say, it is somewhere, and the moral and the
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critics can take care of themselves. When the proper time arrives,
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all that the gentleman intended and all that he did
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not intend, will be brought to light in the dial
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or the down Easter, together with all that he ought
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to have intended, and the rest that he clearly meant
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to intend, so that it will all come very straight
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in the end. There is no just ground therefore for
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the charge brought against me by certain ignoramuses that I
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have never written a moral tale, or in more precise words,
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a tale with a moral. They are not the critics
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predestined to bring me out and develop my morals. That
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is the secret. By and by the North American quarterly
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humdrum will make them ashamed of their stupidity. In the meantime,
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by way of saying execution, by way of mitigating the
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accusations against me, I offer the sad history appended, a
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history about whose obvious moral there can be no question whatever.
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Since he who runs may read it in the large
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capitals which form the title of the tale, I should
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have credit for this arrangement, a far wiser one than
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that of la Fontaine and others, who reserve the impression
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to be conveyed until the last moment, and thus sneak
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it in at the fag end of their fables. In
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functi injuria nay aficient was a law of the twelve tables,
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and de mortis nil nisi bonum is an excellent injunction,
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even if the dead in question be nothing but dead
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small beer. It is not my design, therefore, to vituperate
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my deceased friend Toby. Dammit, he was a sad dog.
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It is true and a dog's death. It was that
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he died, but he himself was not to blame for
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his vices. He grew out of a personal defect in
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his mother. She did her best in the way of
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flogging him while an infant, For duties to her well
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regulated mind were always pleasures and babies like tough steaks
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or the modern Greek olive trees, or invariably the better
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for beating. But poor woman, she had the misfortune to
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be left handed, and a child flogged left handedly had
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better be left unflogged. The world revolves from right to left.
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It will not do to whip a baby from left
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to right. If each blow when the proper direction, drives
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an evil propensity out, it follows that every thump in
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an opposite one knocks its quota of wickedness in. I
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was often present at Toby's chastisements, and even by the
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way in which he kicked, I could perceive that he
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was getting worse and worse every day. At last, I
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saw through the tears in my eyes that there was
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no hope of the villain at all. And one day,
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when he had been cuffed until he grew so black
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in the face that one might have mistaken him for
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a little African, and no effect have been produced beyond
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that of making him wriggle himself into a fit. I
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could stand it no longer, but went down upon my knees,
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forthwith and uplifting my voice, made prophecy of his ruin
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the fact that his precocity in vice was awful. At
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months of age, he used to get into such passions
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that he was unable to articulate. At six months I
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caught him gnawing a pack of cards. At seven months
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he was in when the constant habit of catching and
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kissing the female babies. At eight months he peremptorily refused
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to put his signature to the temperance pledge. Thus he
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went on increasing in iniquity month after month, until at
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the close of the first year he not only insisted
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upon wearing mustaches, but had contracted a propensity for cursing
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and swearing, and for backing his assertions by bets. Through
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this latter most ungentlemanly practiced the ruin which I had
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predicted to Toby Dammit overtook him. At last. The fashion
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had grown with his growth and strengthened with his strength,
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so that when he came to be a man. He
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could scarcely utter a sentence without interlarding it with a
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proposition to gamble. Not that he actually laid wagers. No,
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I will do my friend the justice to say that
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he would as soon have laid eggs with him. The
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thing was a mere formula, nothing more. His expression on
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this head had no meaning attached to them. Whatever they were, simply,
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if not altogether, innocent expletives, imaginative phrases wherewith to round
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off a sentence. When he said I'll bet you so
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and so, nobody ever thought of taking him up. But
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still I could not help thinking it my duty to
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put him down. The habit was an immoral one, and
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so I told him it was a vulgar one. This
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I begged him to believe. I was discounteranced by society.
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Here I said nothing but the truth. It was forbidden
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by act of Congress. Here I had not the slightest
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intention of telling a lie. I remonstrated, but to no purpose.
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I demonstrated in vain. I entreated, he smiled, I implored,
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he laughed. I preached, he sneered. I threatened, he swore.
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I kicked him. He called for the police. I pulled
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his nose, he blew it, and offered to bet the
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devil his head. That I would not venture to try
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that experiment again. Poverty was another vice which the peculiar
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physical deficiency of Damit's mother had entailed upon her son.
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He was detestably poor, and this was the reason, no
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doubt that his expletive expressions about betting seldom took a
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pecuniary turn. I will not be bound to say that
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I ever heard him make use of such a figure
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of speech as I'll bet you a dollar. It was
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usually i'll bet you what you please, or i'll bet
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you what you dare, or i'll bet you a trifle,
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or else more significantly still, i'll bet the devil my head.
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This latter form seemed to please him best, perhaps because
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it involved the least risk, For Dammit had become excessively parsimonious.
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Had anyone taken him up, his head was small, and
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thus his loss would have been small too. But these
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are my own reflections, and I am by no means
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sure that I am right in attributing them to him.
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At all events, the phrase in question grew daily in favor,
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notwithstanding the gross impropriety of a man betting his brains
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like bank notes. But this was a point which my
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friend's perversity of disposition would not permit him to comprehend.
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In the end, he abandoned all other forms of wager
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and gave himself up to I'll bet the devil my head,
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with a pertinacity and exclusiveness of devotion that displeased not
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less than it surprised me. I am always displeased by
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circumstances for which I cannot account. Mysteries force a man
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to think, and so injure his health. The truth is,
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there was something in the air with which mister Dammit
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was wont to give utterance to his offensive expression, something
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in his manner of enunciation which at first interested and
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afterwards made me very uneasy, Something which, for want of
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a more definite term, at present I must be permitted
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to call queer, but which mister Coleridge would have called mystical,
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mister Kant pantheistical, mister Carlyle twisticle, and mister Emerson hyperquisitistical.
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I began to not like it at all. Mister Dammit's
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soul was in a perilous state. I resolved to bring
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all my eloquence into play. To save it, I vowed
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to serve him as Saint Patrick in the Irish Chronicle
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is said to have served the toad, that is to say,
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awaken him to a sense of his situation. I addressed
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myself to the task forthwith. Once more, I betook myself
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to remonstrance. Again, I collected my energies for a final
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attempt at expostulation. When I had made an end of
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my lecture, mister Dammitt indulged himself in some very equivocal behavior.
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For some moments he remained silent, merely looking at me
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inquisitively in the face. But presently he threw his head
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to one side and elevated his eyebrows to a great extent.
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Then he spread out the palms of his hands and
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shrugged up his shoulders. Then he winked with the right eye.
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Then he repeated the operation with the left. Then he
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shut them both up very tight. Then he opened them
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both so very wide that I became seriously alarmed for
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the consequences. Then, applying his thumb to his nose, he
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thought proper to make an indescribable movement with the rest
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of his fingers. Finally, setting his arms akimbo, He condescended
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to reply, I can call to mind only the heads
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of his discourse. He would be obliged to me if
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I would hold my tongue. He wished none of my advice.
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He despised all my insinuations. He was old enough to
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take care of himself. Did I still think him baby?
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Damn it? Did I mean to say anything against his character?
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Did I intend to insult him? Was I fool? Was
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my maternal parent aware in a word of my absence
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from the domiciliary residence. He would put this latter question
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to me as to a man of veracity, and he
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would bind himself to abide by my reply. Once more,
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he would demand explicitly, if my mother knew that I
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was out my confusion, he said, betrayed me, and he
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would be willing to bet the devil his head that
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she did not. Mister dammit, did not pause for my rejounder.
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Turning upon his heel, he left my presence with undignified precipitation.
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It was well for him that he did so. My
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feelings had been wounded, even my anger had been aroused,
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For once I would have taken him upon his insulting
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wager I would have won for the arch enemy, mister
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Dammit's little head. For the fact is, my Mamma was
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very well aware of my merely temporary absence from home.
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But Koda shefa mideh, heaven gives relief. As the muscle
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men say when you tread upon their toes. It was
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in pursuance of my duty that I had been insulted,
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and I bore the insult like a man. It now
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seemed to me, however, that I had done all that
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could be required of me in the case of this